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- >-------- The information went data way --------<
- 2 + 2 = 5 (for extremely large values of 2)
- AAAAA (American Association Against Acronym Abuse)
- (A)bort, (R)etry, (P)retend this never happened...
- Access denied - nah nah na nah nah!
- An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
- As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
- ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANCI.
- Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay...
- Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
- Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
- Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers. (Leonard Brandwein)
- Beware of geeks bearing gifs.
- Blessed are the pessimists, for they make backups!
- Blessed is the end-user who expects nothing, for he shall not be disappointed.
- The box said, "Requires Windows 98 or better" so I installed Linux.
- BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
- BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
- Bugs come in through open Windows.
- Buy a Pentium so you can reboot faster.
- C combines the flexibility and power of assembly language with the user-friendliness of assembly language.
- C: is the root of all directories.
- C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
- C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
- Calm down. It's only ones and zeros.
- Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
- COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
- COFFEE.EXE not found: (A)bort, (R)etry, (F)all asleep
- Coffee sweetened with NO-DOZ...Programmers' fuel
- COMMAND: A suggestion made to a computer.
- Computer Lie #1: You'll never use all that disk space.
- Computer programmers don't byte - but they nybble a bit.
- Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.
- Computer Science: solving today's problems tomorrow.
- Computers are God's way of telling you that you're not confused enough.
- Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
- Computers can never replace human stupidity.
- Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
- The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
- Document my code??? Why do you think they call it 'code'?
- Doing linear scans over an associative array is like trying to club someone to death with a loaded Uzi. (Larry Wall)
- Don't anthropomorphize computers--they hate that.
- Don't byte off more than you can view.
- Double your drive space--delete Windows
- The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
- Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
- Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
- Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny.
- Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with the software.
- FATAL SYSTEM ERROR: Press F13 to continue...
- Fax is stranger than fiction.
- File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
- Friends don't let Friends use Windows.
- The geek shall inherit the earth.
- The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance. (Robert R. Coveyou)
- Give a man a program, frustrate him for a day.
Teach a man to program, frustrate him for a lifetime.
- Great groups from little icons grow.
- Hold a hard drive to your ear--listen to the C:
- How many computer programmers would it take to change a light bulb?
None--that's a hardware problem.
- I can't resist an ohm.
- I hit the Control key but I'm still not in control!
- I keep hitting 'escape,' but I'm still here.
- I think there is a world market for maybe five computers. (IBM Chairman Thomas Watson, 1943)
- I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code.
- If at first you don't succeed call it Version 1.0.
- If at first you don't succeed, reboot.
- If God had intended Man to program, we would be born with serial I/O ports.
- If it draws blood, it's hardware.
- If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing
- If you touch any key, our software will lock up. Call us and we'll blame it on Microsoft. (Scott Adams)
- It said "Insert disk #3", but only two will fit!
- Implementing systems is 95 percent boredom and 5 percent sheer terror.
- Life would be easier if I had the source code.
- Linux - for IQ's greater than 98.
- The Linux philosophy is 'Laugh in the face of danger'. Oops. Wrong One. 'Do it yourself'. Yes, that's it. (Linus Torvalds)
- MacIntosh computers are made by geniuses for idiots; IBM computers are made by idiots for geniuses.
- Man v1.0, Woman v1.1
- Managing senior programmers is like herding cats. (Dave Platt)
- May the Source Code be with you.
- Microsoft isn't evil, they just make really crappy operating systems. (Linus Torvalds, creator of Linux)
- My friend, the computer nerd, has had so many viruses he now has a persistent hacking cough!
- My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
- New Adages:
ASCII and you shall receive.
ROM wasn't built in a day.
Byte the bullet.
- Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.
- Old programmers never die. They just can't C as well.
- Old programmers never die. They just lose their memory.
- Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident.
- On a clear disk you can seek forever.
- Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
- Press any key...no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
- Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
- Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
- Real programmers don't document...If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
- Real programs don't eat cache.
- RUNTIME ERROR 6D at 417A: 32CF: Incompetent user
- 640K ought to be enough for anybody. (Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates, 1981)
- SELECT*FROM users WHERE clue=TRUE;
no rows returned
- Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
- Someday, the people who know how to use computers will rule over those who don't. And there will be a special name for them...webmistresses. (Scott Adams)
- There are ten types of people in the world...those who understand binary and those who don't.
- There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home. (DEC Chairman Ken Olson, 1977)
- There's no place like 127.0.0.1
- This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
- This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
- Those whom the gods would destroy, they first teach BASIC.
- To become one with your computer is to reach a state of nerdvana. (Scott Adams)
- To iterate is human, to recurse divine.
- To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
- Virtual Reality is its own reward.
- What boots up must come down.
- What's the difference between a Macintosh and an etch-a-sketch?
You don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen.
- When all else fails, manipulate the data.
- Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and weighs thirty tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes and perhaps weigh 1-1/2 tons. (Popular Mechanics, 1949)
- Who's General Failure and why is he reading my disk?
- Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
- Will code for food.
- Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
- A yer ago I kudnt spel progremr now I are won.
- You can't teach an old mouse new clicks.
How You Know You're a Tech Geek
- When your friend tells you all about his Cressida V6 and you reply "Yeah, I had V5, and it was full of bugs!"
- When you are counting objects "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...
- When you lay down in the afternoon for a short rest, end up sleeping four hours, and call it a 'mega-nap'.
- When your friend is going to Essex for vacation you tell her, "You really should go for the DX, it has the built in co-processor.
- When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.
- When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
Use the best:
Linux for servers
Mac for graphics
Palm for mobility
Windows for solitaire
- Boss: "Your job is to review eighty million lines of computer code in the company's systems. You're looking for any reference to the current year. Those pieces of code will be a problem in the year 2000.
Employee (six months later): "I'm happy to report that the date did not show up once. In fact, it was all just zeros and ones!"
- How many "paper MCSEs" does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four: one to find the light bulb insertion braindump online and download it, one to get a copy of the pirated light bulb insertion simulator from Transcender, one to actually screw in the light bulb, and the fourth to comb the want ads looking for jobs that don't require any previous light bulb insertion experience.
- This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his user name and password in capital letters.
Tech Support: "OK, let's try once more, but use lower case letters."
Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."
What Your Computer is Trying to Tell You
- It says: Press Any Key
It means: Press any key you like but I'm not moving.
- It says: Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E
It means:...where you will be kept on hold for ten minutes, only to be told that it's a hardware problem.
- It says: Installing program to C:\...
It means:...And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows and c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find them.
- It says: Please insert disk 11
It means: Because I know darn well there are only ten disks.
- It says: Not enough memory
It means: I don't CARE if you've got 64MB of RAM, I want to use the bit below 640K.
- It says: Cannot read from drive D:...
It means:...However, if you put the CD in right side up...
- It says: Please Wait...
- It says: Directory does not exist...
It means:...any more. Oops.
- It says: The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close.
It means:...Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your work back.
How to Please Your IT Department
- When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
- Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
- When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee.
That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.
- When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.
- When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.
- When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
- Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
- When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.
- When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T.
person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
- When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
- When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.
- When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least twenty times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
- When the printer still won't print after twenty tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
- Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".
- Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.
Calibrating Your Mouse
You should do this every few days. More often if you spend a lot of time on the computer!
To recalibrate your mouse, click and hold on the S. Then drag the S toward the e. If it doesn't work, you might want to clean your mouse.
Stop fooling around and go do something constructive
Where Do Deleted Characters Go?
QUESTION: Where do the characters go when I delete them on my computer?
ANSWER: It depends on whom you ask:
- The Catholic Church's approach to characters: The nice characters go to Heaven, where they are bathed in the light of happiness. The naughty characters are punished for their sins. Naughty characters are those involved in the creation of naughty words, such as "breast," "sex" and "contraception."
- The Buddhist explanation: If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher character. Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard will become numbers, numbers will become letters, and lower-case letters will become upper-case.
- The Mac user's explanation: All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go to straight to PC hell. If you're using a PC, you can probably see the deleted characters, because you're in PC hell also.
- Stephen King's explanation: Every time you hit the (Del) key you unleash a tiny monster inside the cursor, who tears the poor unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their blood, then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!
- Dave Barry's explanation: The deleted characters are shipped to Battle Creek, Michigan, where they're made into Pop-Tart filling; this explains why Pop-Tarts are so flammable.
- IBM's explanation: The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen when they are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to de-conceptualize them. Get a life.
- PETA's (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) explanation: You've been DELETING them??? Can't you hear them SCREAMING??? Why don't you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you pig!
Quick and Easy Recipes
(for those times when you spend all day at the computer)
(Ingrid Schorr and Tracy Mayor)
1 can apple juice
1 package granola bars
Crumble granola bars into a small bowl and pour apple juice over it.
Microwave for two minutes or until well-heated.
Dust with powdered creamer
1 package M and M's
1 granola bar
Sweet 'n' Low
Crumble the granola bar. In a deep bowl, preferably glass, layer half-and-half, granola crumbs and M and M's.
Drizzle with coffee and dust with Sweet 'n' Low.
1 package Lifesavers
1 chocolate bar
1/4 cup half-and-half
Using a heavy implement such as a dictionary, smash the Lifesavers into small shards. Break chocolate bar into chunks. Combine Lifesaver shards and chocolate chunks in a coffee cup and pour half-and-half on top. Freeze until solid. For Tutti-Frutti Pops, insert a coffee stirrer into the parfait when semi-solid; continue freezing.
1 pkg. cheese doodles
1 pkg. microwave popcorn
Prepare popcorn according to package directions; while it pops, use an empty coffee pot to smash the cheese doodles (still in the bag) into a fine, crumbly powder. Sprinkle over hot popcorn.
Windows XP Error-codes
- WinErr: 001 Windows loaded - System in danger
- WinErr: 002 No Error - Yet
- WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file
- WinErr: 004 Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong
- WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused
- WinErr: 006 Insufficient Memory - Only 50.312.583 Bytes available.
- WinErr: 007 System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware
- WinErr: 008 Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments
- WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened
- WinErr: 00C Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More! More!
- WinErr: 00F Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened
- WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
- WinErr: 011 Window open - Do not look outside
- WinErr: 012 Window closed - Do not look inside
- WinErr: 013 Unexpected error - Huh ?
- WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
- WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new one.
- WinErr: 019 User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
- WinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten - reinstall all software. We are terribly sorry.
- WinErr: 01B Illegal error - this error is not allowed. Next time you will get a penalty.
- WinErr: 01C Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for system to boot.
- WinErr: 01D System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.
- WinErr: 01E Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
- WinErr: 020 Error buffer overflow - Remaining errors will be lost.
- WinErr: 021 Mouse not found - driver not installed. Click left mouse button to continue.
- WinErr: 022 LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
APPLE - Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
CD-ROM - Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete Monthly
COBOL - Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
DOS - Defective Operating System (or) Defunct Operating System
IBM - I Blame Microsoft
ISDN - It Still Does Nothing
LISP - Let's Insert Some Parentheses
MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
MIPS - Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
MACINTOSH - Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too.
PCMCIA People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Math
SCSI - System Can't See It
SGML - Sounds Good, Maybe Later
WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
WWW - World Wide Wait
The ABC's of UNIX
A is for awk which runs like a snail, and
B is for biff which reads all your mail.
C is for cc as hackers recall, while
D is for dd the command that does all.
E is for emacs which rebinds your keys, and
F is for fsck which rebuilds your trees.
G is for grep a clever detective, while
H is for halt which may seem defective.
I is for indent which rarely amuses, and
J is for join which nobody uses.
K is for kill which makes you the boss, while
L is for lex which is missing from DOS.
M is for more from which less was begot, and
N is for nice which it really is not.
O is for od which prints out things nice, while
P is for passwd which reads in strings twice.
Q is for quota a Berkeley-type fable, and
R is for ranlib for sorting ar table.
S is for spell which attempts to belittle, while
T is for true which does very little.
U is for uniq which is used after sort, and
V is for vi which is hard to abort.
W is for whoami which tells you your name, while
X is, well, x of dubious fame.
Y is for yes which makes an impression, and
Z is for zcat which handles compression.
Shakespeare by Computer
William Shakespeare's Sonnet 18 (Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?) converted into the programming language ActionScript:
var summer:Object = ;
var thee:Object = ;
summer.name = "Summer Day";
thee.name = "Thee";
summer.lovelyness = 9;
thee.lovelyness = 10;
summer.temperature = 98;
thee.temperature = 98.6;
summer.lease = new Date(2006, 7, 31).getTime() - new Date(2006, 5, 1).getTime();
thee.lease = new Date(2042, 6, 12).getTime() - new Date(1970, 8, 25).getTime();
summer.complexion = 0xFFCC33;
thee.complexion = 0xFFCCCC;
summer.fair = 10;
thee.fair = 10;
summer.getValue = function():Number