Also see Modern Technology, Computer Poems, Internet, Computer Pages, and Email.

Halloween Costume

Quick and easy Halloween costume for computer geeks: Use fabric paint (or even a marker) to write on a t-shirt "Error 404: Costume not found".

How You Know You're a Tech Geek

Use the best:

Linux for servers
Mac for graphics
Palm for mobility
Windows for solitaire

What Your Computer is Trying to Tell You

How to Please Your IT Department

  1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
  2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
  3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.
  4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.
  5. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.
  6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
  7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
  8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.
  9. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
  10. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
  11. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.
  12. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least twenty times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
  13. When the printer still won't print after twenty tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
  14. Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".
  15. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

Calibrating Your Mouse

You should do this every few days. More often if you spend a lot of time on the computer!
To recalibrate your mouse, click and hold on the S. Then drag the S toward the e. If it doesn't work, you might want to clean your mouse.

Stop fooling around and go do something constructive

Quick and Easy Recipes

(for those times when you spend all day at the computer)
(Ingrid Schorr and Tracy Mayor)

Apple Cobbler
1 can apple juice
1 package granola bars
powdered creamer
Crumble granola bars into a small bowl and pour apple juice over it.
Microwave for two minutes or until well-heated.
Dust with powdered creamer

After-Hours Trifle
1 package M and M's
1 granola bar
cold coffee
Sweet 'n' Low
Crumble the granola bar. In a deep bowl, preferably glass, layer half-and-half, granola crumbs and M and M's.
Drizzle with coffee and dust with Sweet 'n' Low.

Tutti-Frutti Parfait
1 package Lifesavers
1 chocolate bar
1/4 cup half-and-half
Using a heavy implement such as a dictionary, smash the Lifesavers into small shards. Break chocolate bar into chunks. Combine Lifesaver shards and chocolate chunks in a coffee cup and pour half-and-half on top. Freeze until solid. For Tutti-Frutti Pops, insert a coffee stirrer into the parfait when semi-solid; continue freezing.

Faux Smartfood
1 pkg. cheese doodles
1 pkg. microwave popcorn
Prepare popcorn according to package directions; while it pops, use an empty coffee pot to smash the cheese doodles (still in the bag) into a fine, crumbly powder. Sprinkle over hot popcorn.

Windows Error-codes

Apt Acronyms

APPLE - Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
CD-ROM - Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete Monthly
COBOL - Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
DOS - Defective Operating System (or) Defunct Operating System
IBM - I Blame Microsoft
ISDN - It Still Does Nothing
LISP - Let's Insert Some Parentheses
MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
MIPS - Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
MACINTOSH - Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too.
PCMCIA People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Math
SCSI - System Can't See It
SGML - Sounds Good, Maybe Later
WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
WWW - World Wide Wait

The ABC's of UNIX

A is for awk which runs like a snail, and
B is for biff which reads all your mail.

C is for cc as hackers recall, while
D is for dd the command that does all.

E is for emacs which rebinds your keys, and
F is for fsck which rebuilds your trees.

G is for grep a clever detective, while
H is for halt which may seem defective.

I is for indent which rarely amuses, and
J is for join which nobody uses.

K is for kill which makes you the boss, while
L is for lex which is missing from DOS.

M is for more from which less was begot, and
N is for nice which it really is not.

O is for od which prints out things nice, while
P is for passwd which reads in strings twice.

Q is for quota a Berkeley-type fable, and
R is for ranlib for sorting ar table.

S is for spell which attempts to belittle, while
T is for true which does very little.

U is for uniq which is used after sort, and
V is for vi which is hard to abort.

W is for whoami which tells you your name, while
X is, well, x of dubious fame.

Y is for yes which makes an impression, and
Z is for zcat which handles compression.

Shakespeare by Computer

William Shakespeare's Sonnet 18 (Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?) converted into the programming language ActionScript:

var summer:Object = ;
var thee:Object = ; = "Summer Day"; = "Thee";

summer.lovelyness = 9;
thee.lovelyness = 10;

summer.temperature = 98;
thee.temperature = 98.6; = new Date(2006, 7, 31).getTime() - new Date(2006, 5, 1).getTime(); = new Date(2042, 6, 12).getTime() - new Date(1970, 8, 25).getTime();

summer.complexion = 0xFFCC33;
thee.complexion = 0xFFCCCC;

summer.fair = 10;
thee.fair = 10;

summer.getValue = function():Number

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