| Home | Doggone Cute | Index |
See also Dogs, Dog Page Ideas, and Pets.
| Home | Doggone Cute | Index |
See also Dogs, Dog Page Ideas, and Pets.
I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee
table.
I will not roll my toys behind the refrigerator.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
I will not eat the cats' food - before or after they eat it.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of carpet in the house when
I am about to throw up.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will not roll on dead sea gulls, fish, crabs, etc.
"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not wake mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose on her bottom end.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my humans will
think that I'm hemorrhaging.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's
raining outside.
I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting
on the toilet.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on the TV.
I will not steal my mommy's underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel... neither are mommy's and daddy's laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for my human's driver's
license and car registration.
(Irving Townsend)
Almost everybody who listens to music younger than Lawrence Welk's is aware
that Three Dog Night was the name of a rock group. The number of people,
however, who know that a three-dog night is colder than a two-dog night,
although not so cold as a four-dog night in that part of Russia inhabited by
people called Samoyeds, may be somewhat smaller. The few who manage to get any
sleep on even a two-dog night may be counted on the toes of one Samoyed. In the
interests of those other than Samoyeds who seem to be too cold to care one way
or the other, I will address myself to the art of sleeping with two dogs. For
the few who have already mastered the technique I will later add a cat,
although I urge beginners to leave the cat out, at least for the first few
nights.
To achieve any sort of success (sleep) certain arbitrary conditions must be
assumed, the first one being a king-size bed. There is no point in lying down
in anything smaller. While the size and breed of dog is not important (people
who sleep with dogs know that before the night is over everybody collects into
a pile), the condition of the dogs may be. Very thin dogs, for instance, are
lumpy. (You'll notice that the Samoyeds have developed very comfortable dogs.)
I have selected the two-dog minimum because, as we shall see, it is the only
way to stay in bed at all. The key word here is leverage. All dogs spend the
night pressed tightly against their human bedfellows, but no two dogs ever
sleep on the same side. This is, in part, an expression of the Let Sleeping
Dogs Lie principle. It is also to create leverage. Because the human is always
in the middle, held tightly in place by dogs and the additional need to be
wrapped in a blanket, while dogs prefer to sleep on top of the same blanket,
restlessness and recurring cramps are difficult to handle. Here is a tip: When
you first lie down and before the dogs settle against each side of you, spread
your legs three inches apart, stiffen and hold out no matter how great the
pressure. When the time comes to turn over, bring the legs together quickly
under the now slightly slackened blanket and revolve quickly before the dogs
wake up. As soon as you have assumed a new position, allow for those crucial
three inches again. Otherwise, you're a mummy for the rest of the night.
Never spread the legs more than three inches, however. A dog's favorite place
to sleep is in the hollow created by legs too widely spread, and once settled
he and you are frozen into position until morning. (There is a way out of this
trap, but it is difficult to describe without slides.) Dogs who prefer to sleep
on their backs must be given turning space three times the height of the dog at
the shoulder. Dogs who like pillows may be accommodated if you sleep on your
side with the legs scissors so that each dog has an ankle for a chin rest.
Above all, beware of curling. When the curl is reversed, both dogs are
dislocated, resulting in low growls on both sides of you.
When you are ready to add a cat, position is all-important. (This is a trick
the Samoyeds have long since mastered.) All cats prefer to sleep in hollows,
but no cat will sleep on the same side with a dog. (Remember you only have two
sides.) You must therefore become a triangle. This is accomplished by assuming
a horizontal diver's crouch, thereby creating not only three more or less
exclusive sides, but two hollows as well. With one dog at your front, the other
against your back, the cat can curl into the hollow at the back of your knees,
separated from both dogs. All will then sleep soundly.
The Samoyeds have left no written instructions in any language we can decipher
for coping with early morning scratching, possible because they are always
awake scratching themselves. They must also have solved the problem of
pretending to sleep while being closely scrutinized by various animals, but
again they tell us nothing.
Just as well. Too much to remember all at once will keep you awake.