This file includes Money and Finance Humor, Taxes, and Gambling.
Also see Money and Finance, Business and Business Humor.
I used to think I was poor. Then they told me I wasn't poor, I was needy. Then they told me it was self-defeating to think of myself as needy, I was deprived. Then they told me deprived was a bad image, I was underprivileged. Then they told me underprivileged was overused, I was disadvantaged. I still don't have a dime. But I sure have a great vocabulary.
I think that I shall never see
The dollar that I loaned to thee;
A dollar that I could have spent
On many forms of merriment.
The one I loaned to you so gladly
Is now the one I need so badly.
For whose return I had great hope
Just like an optimistic dope.
For dollars loaned to folks like thee
Are not returned to fools like me.
Never ask of money spent
Where the spender thinks it went.
Nobody was ever meant
To remember or invent
What he did with every cent.
Determined to cut the budget, our former governor directed that all state jobs remain unfilled once vacated. There were many complaints, but the classic one concerned the retirement of a drawbridge operator. When Personnel refused to fill the position, the highway-division manager called the governor's office. "Ask the governor," he told an aide, "whether he wants the bridge left down so the cars can go over--or up so the ships can go through."
We had been experiencing financial difficulties, and worry often dampened our normal high spirits. But the gloom was lifted on our wedding anniversary. That day, my husband woke me with a beautiful tray, handed me a single rose and a hand-drawn card with the inscription: "Happy Anniversary, darling! In lieu of a gift, contributions have been made in your name to the electric company, the phone company and three department stores."
An elderly couple had raised four children on the farm they homesteaded and had survived through the dust bowl days of the Great Depression. They practiced not buying anything they could live without for three days. Better times came, but they continued to practice their frugality.
A few months after the wife died, the husband was visited by a TV salesman. The salesman said, "You must be lonely. A TV would be a great source of companionship."
The man was not interested.
"But, Mr. Harris," the salesman persisted, "you may as well spend your money. You can't take it with you."
"Can't take a TV set, neither." Snapped the man.
Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year and every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that airplane." Martha always replied, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 81 years old. If I don't ride that airplane I might never get another chance." Martha replied, "Stumpy, that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Stumpy and said, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
Me: "I am calling to tell you that my aunt died in January."
Credit Card Company: "Well, sir, the account was never closed, so the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections . . ."
Credit Card Company: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Credit Card Company: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau . . . maybe both!"
Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Credit Card Company: " . . . excuse me . . .?"
Me: "Did you get what I was just telling you . . . the part about her being dead?"
Credit Card Company: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"
(Supervisor gets on the phone)
Me: 'I'm calling to tell you that my aunt died in January."
Credit Card Company: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Credit Card Company: "Are you her lawyer?"
Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info is given.)
Credit Card Company: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Me: "Sure." ( Fax number is given )
(After they get the fax. )
Credit Card Company: "Our system just isn't setup for death . . ."
Me: "Oh . . ."
Credit Card Company: "I don't know what more I can do to help . . ."
Me: "Well . . . if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her . . . I suppose . . . I don't really think she will care . . ."
Credit Card Company: "Well . . . the late fees and charges do still apply."
Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"
Credit Card Company: "Yes, that might help."
Me: " Odessa Memorial Cemetery, 2450 Highway 129, Plot #189 . . .
Credit Card Company: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Me: "Well, what do you do with dead people on your planet?!!"
Credit Card Company: (Click!)
The following guide has been prepared to help our employees understand their paychecks:
|Income Tax||$244.40||Coffee Cups||$66.51|
|Outgo Tax||$47.81||Floor Rental||$16.85|
|State Tax||$11.61||Chair Rental||$1.32|
|Interstate Tax||$61.95||Desk Rental||$14.32|
|County Tax||$6.11||Union Dues||$25.85|
|City Tax||$12.22||Union Don'ts||$3.77|
|Rural Tax||$4.44||Cash Advance||$0.69|
|Back Tax||$52.91||Cash Retreats||$121.35|
|Carpet Tacks||$1.98||Central Time||$8.00|
|Flat Tax||$8.32||Mountain Time||$7.00|
|Dental Insurance||$5.50||Cool Air||$26.83|
|Mental Insurance||$5.33||Hot Air||$28.13|
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.
All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation's, or input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week,
This is a real letter submitted to the IRS the midst of 1995's weird and bizarre denial of dependents, exemptions, and credits.
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have questioned whether or not these are my children for years. They are evil and expensive.
It's only fair that, since they are minors and no longer my responsibility, the government should know something about them and what to expect over the next year. Please do not try to reassign them to me next year and reinstate the deduction. They are yours!
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her mastery of any subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year, she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense.
While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment, so you have the choice of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle, or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy! While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, or in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable, and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Dr. Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the problem.
Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little closer together than those of normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day, if he is not incarcerated first. In February, I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future, would you like him delivered to the local IRS office, or to Ogden, UT? Kids at fourteen will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time, as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight in the cafeteria. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice-principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave him or his friends unsupervised with girls, explosives, flammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (They find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement. Be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)
Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared as if by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is ten going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately, you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. "Hooked On Phonics" is expensive, so the schools dropped it. But here's the good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying me! She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the hood/ reggae/yuppie/ political double speak. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her r's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, baggy pants, and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me, but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of 'nests' in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.
You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is only fair that you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest two, I will still go bankrupt with Kristen's college, but then I am free! If you take the two oldest, then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls, then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy.
Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible, as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.
(Note: The IRS allowed the deductions and reinstated his refund.)
Five million of older Americans did not sign up for their Medicare, Part D, drug plan on time. We did NOT grant them an extension even though they are old and confused. However, twelve million illegal aliens are in our country and we are allowing them to stay, protest, procreate, receive support monies, attend schools, avoid paying income taxes, and pay teachers to take many hours of ESL (English as a Second Language) training at our expense. We must really dislike our old people! Don't forget to pay your taxes . . . twelve million illegal aliens are depending on you!