• Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
• First things first, but not necessarily in that order.
• I fired my masseuse today. She rubbed me the wrong way.
• Journalism largely consists in saying 'Lord Jones is dead' to people who never knew Lord Jones was alive. (G.K. Chesterton)
• My son has taken up meditation - at least it's better than sitting doing nothing. (Max Kauffmann)
• Newspaper headline about a fortune teller who escaped from prison: Small Medium at Large
• What if there were no hypothetical situations?
• Whenever I hear Pavlov's name, it rings a bell.
• If a child looks like his father, that's heredity. If he looks like a neighbor, that's environment.
• A man who was learning to parachute jump fell free from the plane, but on the way down found he couldn't get his parachute to open. He met a man who was on his way up in the air and called out, "Hey, buddy! Do you know how to open a parachute?"
  "No!" the man answered. "Do you know how to light a gas stove?"
• Benjamin B. Franklin, president of Associated Clubs, Inc., had to arrange accommodations for Winston Churchill, grandson of the late prime minister, who was to be a guest speaker at one of his organization's functions. Franklin phoned a hotel to make a reservation, saying, "I need a room for Winston Churchill."
  "Uh, okay," replied the clerk. "Who is this?"
  "Benjamin Franklin."
  The clerk hung up.
• They show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. (Jerry Seinfeld)
• TV announcer: "Our regularly scheduled program will not be seen tonight - because we've discovered that dead air did better in the ratings than the program itself!!"
• Sign in a hallway of a railroad division office above a row of hooks: "For supervisory personnel only."
  Underneath someone had added: "May also be used for coats and hats."
• The one function TV news performs very well is that when there is no news we give it to you with the same emphasis as if there were. (David Brinkley)

An Old Riddle

Railroad Crossing, watch out for the cars.
Can you spell that without any "r's"?
(answer at bottom of page)

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

• MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the Chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road!" And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
• AGENT MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
• RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?
• RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road. I do not know any chickens. I have never known any chickens.
• BILL CLINTON: We categorically deny the chicken did cross the road and any allegations to the contrary by the right-wing extremists should be postponed until I am out of office. Could you define 'chicken' please?
• ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
• KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
• SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion, and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
• CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
• JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"
• FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
• BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
• OLIVER STONE: The question is not Why did the chicken cross the road? Rather, it is, Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?
• DR. SEUSS:
  Did the chicken cross the road?
  Did he cross it with a toad?
  Yes! the chicken crossed the road,
  but why it crossed, I've not been told.
• LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the black man in order to trample him and keep him down!
• JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the 'other side.' That's what 'they' call it -- the 'other side.' And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.'
• THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, 'Thou shalt cross the road.' And the chickens crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
• SENATOR LIEBERMAN: I believe that every chicken has the right to worship his or her God in his or her own way. Crossing the road is a spiritual journey and no chicken should be denied the right to cross the road in his or her own way.
• MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
• GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
• MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
• EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
• BUDDHA: Asking this questions denies your own chicken nature.
• RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road; it transcended it.
• ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. Alone.
• PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hard working American.
• L.A. POLICE DEPT.: Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.
• COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

The Top Ten Signs that You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart

10.) You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of a magazine with pinking shears, and they're all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in razor sharp rows.
9.) The telltale lemon slice in the dog's water bowl.
8.) On her TV show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen over licorice downspout and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.
7.) You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon, rose petal and saffron demi-glace', with pecan crusted hearts of palm and delicate mint- fennel sauce.
6.) The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you even after you leave the bathroom.
5.) You discover that every napkin in your house has been folded into a swan.
4.) No matter where you eat, your place setting always includes an oyster fork.
3.) Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive by doilying.
2.) You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice.
And the Number One Sign You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart...
1.) You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.

There is more Martha Stewart humor in Christmas Humor and Domestic Engineering

Riddles

(answers below)

1. What's tall, hairy, lives in the Himalayas and does 500 sit-ups a day?
2. What do you call a polar bear wearing earmuffs?
3. How do you catch a unique rabbit?
4. How do you catch a tame rabbit?
5. Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
6. Why does a pilgrim's pants always fall down?
7. What do you get if you cross a rhinoceros and a goose?
8. What happened when the couple tried to kiss in the dense fog?
9. What great invention allows people to walk through walls?
10. What is the most important thing to remember in chemistry?
11. What would happen if you crossed a goat and a lion?
12. Who grows cucumbers for a pickle factory?
13. A box is filled with water. It weighs 1000 pounds. What can you put in it to make it weigh less?
14. What is a monster's normal eyesight?
15. How do you kiss a hockey player?
16. Why did Dracula go to the orthodontist?
17. What do you give an elk with indigestion?
18. What is the easiest way to count cows?
19. What did the ocean say to the shore?
20. What is green and sour and always changes its mind?
21. What is green and goes slam, slam, slam, slam?
22. What do you get if you cross a porcupine with a sheep?
23. What is the difference between a rug and a bottle of medicine?
24. What can't a man living in New York be buried west of the Mississippi?
25. What do you get if you cross a moth with a firefly?
26. What do you get if you cross a parrot with a homing pigeon?
27. What would you get if you crossed a skunk and a raccoon?
28. Why didn't the cannibal boil the missionary for dinner?
29. What is the most expensive vehicle to operate?
30. Is there one word in the English language that contains all the vowels?
31. What did the 500 pound mouse say to the cat?
32. How do you make a hippopotamus float?
33. What is red, then purple, then red, then purple...?
34. What's green and red and goes 1,000 miles per hour?
35. Is it hard to spot a leopard?
36. What goes up the chimney down put can't go down the chimney up?
37. What's red and white on the outside and gray and white on the inside?
38. How can you tell when there's been a elephant in your refrigerator?
39. I see you where you never were,
    And where you'll never be,
    And yet in that very same place,
    May still be seen by me.
40. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
41. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?

Answers:

1. The abdominal snowman!
2. Anything you want. He can't hear you!
3. Unique up on it.
4. Tame way, unique up on it.
5. Because it scares the heck out of the dog.
6. Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat.
7. An animal that honks before it runs you over.
8. They mist
9. Doors
10. Don't lick the spoon
11. You would have to get a new goat.
12. The farmer in the dill
13. Holes
14. 20 - 20 - 20 - 20 - 20
15. You pucker up.
16. To improve his bite
17. Elk-a-seltzer
18. A cowculator
19. Nothing, it just waved.
20. A fickle pickle
21. A four-door pickle
22. An animal that knits its own sweaters.
23. One you take up and shake, the other you shake up and take.
24. Because he's still alive.
25. An insect that can find its way around dark closets
26. A bird that asks the way home if it gets lost.
27. A dirty look from the raccoon
28. Because he was a "friar"
29. A shopping cart.
30. Unquestionably
31. Here kitty, kitty
32. With some root beer, 2 scoops of ice cream and a hippopotamus.
33. A cherry that works nights as a grape.
34. A frog in a blender
35. No, they come that way
36. An umbrella
37. Campbell's Cream of Elephant Soup
38. By the footprints in the butter.
39. Reflection in a mirror
40. Dam!
41. A Stick

Answer to Railroad Crossing Riddle

t-h-a-t