These are jokes that make you say "Duh!" They are not meant as a  put-down. I think we all need to learn to laugh at ourselves. If you are offended by this type of humor, don't read this file.

A Blonde Kidnapper

(This is my all-time favorite blonde joke)

A Blonde who was down on her luck decided to raise some money by kidnapping a kid and holding him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying,

I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground.
Signed, A Blonde.

The next morning the Blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. She opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said,

How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?

She's So Blonde that...

• she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate"
• she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK"
• she sent me a fax with a stamp on it
• they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade
• under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics"
• she tripped over a cordless phone
• at the bottom of the application where it says "Sign here" she put "Sagittarius"
• it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes
• she studied for a blood test-and failed
• she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center
• she sold the car for gas money
• when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends
• when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved
• she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican Phone Company
• when she was going to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left", she turned around and went home.

The Very First Blonde GUY Joke

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blond opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too!
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."

• Al and Joe are bungee-jumping one day. Al says to Joe, "you know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee jumping service in Mexico." Joe thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square.
  As they are constructing the tower a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration. So Al jumps.
  He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, Joe notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.
  Unfortunately, Joe isn't able to catch him, and he falls again, bounces again and comes back up again. This time he is bruised and bleeding. Again Joe misses him. Al falls again and bounces back up. This time he comes back pretty messed up. He's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
  Luckily Joe catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" Barely able to speak, Al gasps, "No, the bungee cord was fine. It was the crowd...WHAT THE HECK IS A PIŅATA?"
• API (Poland): A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening. Identification of the bodies is proceeding very slowly.
• As the highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
  Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
  "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
• A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
  The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. I'm a six-foot-tall, 200-pound blonde with a black belt in karate. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a weight lifter, and the woman on the other side of you is a blonde pro wrestler.
  Think about it, mister. You sure you want to tell that joke?
  The blind guy replied, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
• A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
  "Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."
  So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.
  "That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."
  "No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."
• A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
  Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
  Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her fortune...the Wal Mart manager sees her and shuts the horse off.
• A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over.
  When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the road and told the blonde "stand in the circle and DON'T MOVE!"
  He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said "Oh you think that's funny. Watch this." He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.
  When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she's laughing.
  The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.
  He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.
  "What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde. She replied,
  "When you weren't looking I stepped outside the circle 4 times."
• Blond: I want to return this dress.
  Clerk: Is there something wrong with it?
  Blond: Yeah, the tag says it's supposed to be wash and wear.
  Clerk: That's right
  Blond: Well, it washed okay. But when I put it on, it was real wet.
• A blonde out for a walk comes to a river. She sees another blonde on the opposite bank and shouts: "How can I get to the other side?"
  The second blonde shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
• A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon.
  The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
  "That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car."
  "Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."
  The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.
  About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"
  "No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."
• A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science and Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
  She thought for a time and then asked, "Is the vacuum on or off?"
• The foreman watched one of the carpenters working on the new house and finally asked why he was throwing away so many nails.
  "The heads are on the wrong end," explained the carpenter.
  "Fool!" yelled the foreman, "Don't you know those nails are for the other side of the house?"
• A business was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University Of [whatever state you want to make fun of] so maybe you can help me. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
  The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
• A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
  The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
  Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
  "HellOOOOOOO," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"
• Question 1: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
  Answer: There's white-out on the screen.
  Question 2: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
  Answer: There's writing on the white-out.
• If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer? (Stephen Wright)
• A lady was looking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
  The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
• A lumberjack bought a chain saw and tried it out at a logging camp. Next day, he bragged to his best buddy that with the chain saw he cut three times more lumber than he did with an ax.
  The buddy was impressed. He went and bought one just like it. But after a week, he confessed he couldn't cut near as much as he could with an ax.
  "Let's see your saw," the lumber-jack said to his buddy. He took hold of the handle and tugged sharply on the started cord. The engine roared to life.
  The buddy looked at the saw, then at the lumberjack, and said, "What's that noise?"
• A man was passing a country estate and saw a sign on the gate reading: "Please ring bell for caretaker."
  He rang the bell and an old man appeared.
  "Are you the caretaker?" the visitor asked.
  "Yes, I am," replied the old man. "Can I help you?"
  "Well, no," replied the visitor. "I was just wondering why you can't ring the bell for yourself."
• Man to co-worker: "What happened to your eyes? They're all red."
  Co-worker: "I forgot to take out the spoon out of my coffee and accidentally poked myself."
  Man: "In BOTH eyes?"
  Co-worker: "I had two cups!"
• Three women, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead competed in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first and the redhead was a close second. Much later, the blonde finally reached the shore, completely exhausted and near the point of drowning. After being warmed with blankets and coffee, she muttered, "I don't want to sound like a sore loser, but I think those other two girls used their arms."
• Two blondes were sitting on a bench in Oklahoma. One blonde says: "Which do you think is farther away, Florida or the moon?
  The other blonde says "Helloooooooooo, can you SEE Florida?????
• Two guys were in a bar watching TV when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy.
  "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy.
  The guy on TV threw himself off the bridge.
  The second guy hands the first guy the money.
  "I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news."
  "No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"
• Two men riding in a pickup truck overtook two other men walking across a hard frozen lake. Upon the driver's invitation to ride with them the men on foot gratefully accepted the offer of a lift and climbed into the back of the pickup. Continuing on their journey they hit an unexpected thin spot in the ice. Dismay filled them as they felt the ice crack, then break as pickup and men slid into the watery depths.
  Rather quickly the men in the cab swam to the surface and waited for the other two men to appear. While standing near the edge of the ice they could hear clanging and banging noises down below, but it seemed an agonizingly long time before the men surfaced.
  "What took you so long?" the driver asked.
  One of the men managed to gasp, "Do you have any idea how hard it is to get the tailgate of a pickup open when you're under water?"
• What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
  Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"
• What do you call a smart blonde?
  A golden retriever.
• When I checked into a hotel on one of my visits to Ireland, the receptionist said, "Do you want a room with a shower or one with a bath?"
  Thinking of the money, I asked, "What's the difference?"
  "Well," she said, "with a shower, you have to stand up."
• Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
  A: Toes Go In First.
• Why do you suppose that kamikaze pilots wore helmets?
• Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
  You have to hollow out the head.
• Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
  You can park in the handicap zone.
• Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
  It takes too long to retrain them.

Ice Fishing

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "IS THAT YOU LORD?"

The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK."

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