Also see Law Enforcement and Law Related Song Titles.

How Can I Help?

Employee to company lawyer: "I'm working on a top secret military project. My boss hired some North Elbonians to help me. They're communists. If I give them any information, I could be guilty of treason. I could be executed. Can you help?"
Lawyer: "Sure. What would I have to do--pull a lever?"

Who, Me?

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

Helping Out

A truck driver was heading down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. Feeling it was his duty, he stopped to give the priest a ride. A short time later, he saw a lawyer with a briefcase on the side of the road and aimed his truck at him. At the last second, he thought of the priest with him and realized he couldn't run over the lawyer, so he swerved, but he heard a thump anyway. Looking back as he drove on, he didn't see anything.
He began to apologize for his behavior to the priest. "I'm sorry, Father. I barely missed that lawyer at the side of the road."
But the priest said, "Don't worry, son. I got him with my door."

A Futile Search

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heaven's gate waiting on St. Peter. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him.
St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sits for a couple of months and begins to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it and all.
"What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder. "Are we stuck together forever?"
St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informs the couple, " You can get married in Heaven."
"Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple.
"Come on!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer!?"

Don't Ask Questions You Don't Want Answered

During a trial in a small southern town, the prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a elderly woman, to the the stand.
His first question was "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?
She responded, "Yes, Mr. Williams, I've known you since you were a boy. Frankly you are a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't got the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to say, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She replied, "Yes, I've known Mr. Bradly since he was a boy, too. He's lazy, bigoted and has a drinking problem. His law practice is the worst in the entire state. Not to mention that he has cheated on his wife with several different women, one of them being your wife. Yes, I know him."

The prosecutor and defense attorney were both mortified and didn't quite know how to proceed. At that point the judge asked both counselors to approach the bench. Then he said, in a very quite voice, "If either of you idiots ask her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."

You know you need a new Lawyer when...

Excerpts from Actual Court Proceedings

(from an article in the Salt Lake City Tribune.)

back to top of page