Page Toppers

Quotes

• At worst, a house unkept cannot be so distressing as a life unlived. (Rose Macaulay)
• Behind every successful mother...is a basket of dirty laundry.
• Beware! This home protected by killer dust bunnies!
• Born to shop; not to mop!
• A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
• A clean house is the sign of a boring person.
• A clean house is a sign of a broken computer!
• A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
• A clean house is the sign of a wasted life.
• A clean house is no place to raise kids!
• Clean off a chair and sit down.
• Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. (Phyllis Diller)
• Cleanliness is next to impossible!
• Dull women have immaculate homes!
• The dust bunnies are having a convention at my house.
• Dust is just a country accent.
• Dust is just mud with the juice squeezed out.
• Dust is a protective cover.
• Dust was put on earth so we could measure time.
• Dusting Test in progress. Do not disturb samples.
• For Maid Service, Press Button.
  If No One Answers, Do It Yourself!
• Help Wanted...Everyone in the house qualifies!
• Housework done properly can kill you.
• Housework is a Family Affair.
• Housework is something you can do that nobody notices until you don't do it!
• Housework Is The Crabgrass In The Lawn Of Life
• Husband: "I don't want to go to work this morning. Now, women are lucky because they don't have a structured day. They have a choice...
  Wife: "Yeah. Good point. Should I scour the toilets before I fold the laundry or vice versa?
• A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
• I don't think my husband has any idea how much time I spend at house cleaning - and I hope he never finds out!
• I will clean house when Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner. (Roseanne Barr)
• If cleanliness is next to godliness; we're in big trouble!
• If woman's work is never done; why start?
• If you come to my house and see dust an inch thick, dirty laundry and ironing piled high, blame it on my mother. She always told me "If you can't do a job right, don't do it at all."
• If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, "Who could have done this? we have no enemies." (Phyllis Diller)
• If you've come to see me...Welcome!
  If you've come to see my house...make an appointment!
• In order for something to become clean, something else must become dirty; but you can get everything dirty without getting anything clean.
• Inferior housekeepers are apt to be more creative. They admit to disorder in life. They like the richness of it. They are seeking some farther-reaching quality of order. (Dr. Donald Mackinnon)
• It's a good thing Martha Stewart doesn't live here
• Keeping house is like threading beads on a string with no knot on the end.
• A lazy wife is one who thinks her work was done when she swept down the aisle.
• Man works from sun to sun but a woman's work is never done
• A mans home is his castle, and his wife is the janitor. (Lucille Kallen)
• Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
• Most mothers hate four letter words, especially: cook, wash, iron and dust!
• The most shocked women in the world are those who get married because they're tired of working.
• My Housework Schedule:
  Today - Do what I absolutely have to do
  Someday when I have time - Do everything else (Denny)
• Nature abhors a vacuum. And so do I. (Anne Gibbons)
• Our house is clean enough to be healthy; and dirty enough to be happy!
• Please don't feed the dustbunnies.
• Please pardon the mess! My butler and maid quit!
• Real men do housework.
• Show me a house that's excruciatingly clean, and I'll show you an older, female relative about to visit it.
• Show me a woman whose home is always ready for company -
  And I'll show you a woman who's too tired to entertain.
• Since you've been sick there's been a vacuum...and no one knows how to run it!
• So I'm not a perfect housekeeper! What, after all, is a halo? It's only one more thing to keep clean!
• Sorting laundry is organized grime.
• A spotlessly clean house if the sign of a wasted life.
• Thank goodness I don't have to go out to work.
  I just get up in the morning and there it is, all around me.
• There are days I'm so busy that I don't get anything done.
• There is no need to do any housework; after the first four years the dirt doesn't get any worse. (Quentin Crisp)
• There may be dust in my house but there isn't any on me.
• They can only track IN so much dirt before they start to track it back OUT again.
• Things I need to do today: Find "THE LIST"!
• This home is protected by a coat of dust.
• This house is a refuge for the domestically challenged.
• This house is cleaned every three months whether it needs it or not.
• This house is protected by killer dust bunnies.
• This is no ordinary housewife you're dealing with!
• True love leads to housework.
• What's done is done - for about five minutes!
• Whenever there is a flat surface, someone will find something to put on it.
• Why do people run over a string a dozen times with the vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, and put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?
• Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
• Why is it, as soon as company comes, a woman apologizes for her house?
  - Probably because it's easier than cleaning up!
• Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
• Wipe feet on Doormat to continue.
• You can draw in my dust, just don't date it.
• Although you'll find our house a mess
  Come-in - sit down - converse.
  It doesn't always look like this;
  Some days it's even worse.
• If it's loose, pick it up;
  If it isn't, dust it;
  If it moves, feed it.

And they say blondes are dumb.

A housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. From the laundry room, he shouted, "What setting do I use?"
"It depends," the wife replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

Revolutionary

(Irene Fischl)

Miranda's gone to med school,
Her true self to fulfill;
And Ann's into photography,
Both motion pix and still.
Nancy, who's a lawyer now,
Discusses torts, not tarts,
While off to Group to find herself
Ms. Ella Sue departs.
Karen's bought an alto sax
And even learned to play it,
While I'm enjoying keeping house
But much too scared to say it.

Dust if you Must

Remember a house becomes a home when you can write " I Love You" on the furniture.

The Housewife

(Leonhard Dowty)

A very much deserved LABOR DAY SALUTE to that grand and glorious American institution:
THE HOUSEWIFE.

Women, they say, are the weaker sex,
Simple-minded, nervous wrecks,
No match for men in brain or brawn.
But who gets up at crack of dawn
To start the coffee perking
Long before her sleeping spouse has
cocked an eye at working?
While he has dreams to caper in,
Who brings the morning paper in,
Oh, so careful not to tear it
As though it were his best white shirt and
he was going to wear it?
Half-asleep on still-tired legs,
Who squeezes juice and scrambles eggs,
And, agile as an ath-e-lete,
Runs from toast to Cream of Wheat,
Turning bacon as she goes -
A perfect act for Ringling Bros.?
Even on her day of rest,
Who gets the children up and dressed?
Who shines their shoes and darns their socks?
Who nurses them through chicken pox?
Who's in charge of pocket tissues,
Stomachaches and moral issues,
Mislaid mittens, wayward caps,
Malted milks and gingersnaps?
Who's part-time doctor, full-time tailor
Letter-writer, package mailer,
Ironer, washer, drier of tears,
Waxer of table and chiffoniers?
Who calls the plumber, the cleaner, the vet?
Who changes diapers whenever they're wet?
Who plans the meals to everyone's tastes,
Lets down the hems and lets out the waists?
Who winds the clocks and sets the alarm?
Who closes windows in case of a storm?
Who gives the parties? Who makes the dates?
Who stands and serves and who also waits?
Who cleans the closets, the books and the shelves,
Pretends to be monkeys, soldiers and elves,
Fired at by hunters, riddled by guns,
Stepped on and slept on and captured by Huns?
Who, when it rains, is the teller of tales
Of wizards and witches and windjamming whales?
Who is the queen of the broom and the mop?
Who knows what is needed and just where to stop?
Who shines the silver, the copper and brass?
Who fills the tank when the car's out of gas?
Who makes the curtains, fluffs up the pillows,
Tends to the roses and waters the willows?
Who puts out the cat and lets in the dog?
Who feeds the turtle, the fish and the frog?
Who wraps the presents? Who saves the cord?
Who never spends more than they can afford?
Who vacuums rugs, who makes the beds,
Who cuts the toenails and washes the heads?
Who drags in the bikes, the sleds and the wagons?
Who chases nightmares infested with dragons?
Who, without fail, attends PTA?
Who picks up pajamas and puts them away?
Who is the keeper of snorkels and flippers,
Knitter of sweaters, replacer of zippers,
Patcher of pockets, buyer of stamps,
Scrubber of tiles and duster of lamps?
Who puts whose slippers in front of whose chair?
Who's sweet as a lamb when he's gruff as a bear?
Who tints and bleaches, sprinkles and starches:
Whose spirits don't fall, but, oh, her poor arches?
Who is the lawyer who settles all quarrels?
Who is dispenser of spankings and laurels?
Who, for the dolls, sews miniature dresses?
Surely by now you don't need three guesses.
Woman, of course - that stanch household betterer
Whose life is a round of incessant et cetera.

For Mothers Everywhere!

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"
"Yes" was his incredulous reply. She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

Prison Versus Being a Housewife

• In prison you get three square meals a day. At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids to eat it.
• In prison you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle. At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so your kids can spread more toys all over it so that you can go out and clean it again because little Jr. can't sleep without his latest Lego creation.
• In prison you get to watch TV, cable even. At home you get to listen your children fight over the remote control and get treated to hours and hours of mindless cartoons thanks to cable.
• In prison you can read whatever you want and attend college for free. At home you get to read weekly readers starring Dick, Jane, and Spot and worry about how to send Jr. to college and still be able to eat for the next twenty years.
• In prison all your medical care is free. At home you have to pawn your mother's silver and fill out trillions of papers for insurance and hope the doctor will see you before you die.
• In prison, if you have visitors, all you do is go to a room, sit, talk and then say good-bye when you are ready or your time is up. At home you get to clean for days in advance and then cook and clean up after your guests and hope that they will one day leave.
• In prison you can spend your free time writing letters or just hang out in your own space all day. At home you get to clean your space and everyone else's space, too, and what the heck is free time again?
• In prison you get your own personal toilet. At home you have to physically hold the bathroom door shut in order to keep from having someone standing over you demanding to know how long till you're done so you can do something for them.
• In prison the prison laundry takes care of all your dirty clothes. At home you get to take care of them yourself, plus everybody else's, and get yelled at because somebody's favorite shirt isn't clean.
• In prison they take you everywhere you need to go. At home you take everybody else where they need to go.
• In prison the guards transport all your personal effects for you and make sure nothing is missing. At home you have to lug around everybody else's stuff in your purse and then wonder who went in it and took your last dollar.
• In prison there are no screaming or whining children or spouses asking you to do something else for them, or screaming at you because you didn't. At home...stop me when I get to the downside of jail, will ya?

Martha Stewart to Erma Bombeck

Hi Erma,
This perfectly delightful note is being sent on paper I made myself to tell you what I have been up to. Since it snowed last night, I got up early and made a sled with old barn wood and a glue gun. I hand-painted it in gold leaf, got out my loom, and made a blanket in peaches and mauves. Then to make the sled complete, I made a white horse to pull it from DNA that I just had sitting around in my craft room.
By then, it was time to start making the place mats and napkins for my 20 breakfast guests. I'm serving the old standard Stewart twelve-course breakfast, but I'll let you in on a little secret--I didn't have time to make the tables and chairs this morning, so I used the ones I had on hand. Before I moved the table into the dining room, I decided to add just a touch of the holidays. So I repainted the room in pinks and stenciled gold stars on the ceiling.
Then while the homemade bread was rising, I took antique candle molds and made the dishes (exactly the same shade of pink) to use for breakfast. These were made from Hungarian clay, which you can get in almost any Hungarian craft store.
Well I must run. I need to finish the buttonholes on the dress I'm wearing for breakfast. I'll get out the sled and drive this note to the post office as soon as the glue dries on the envelope I'll be making. Hope my breakfast guests don't stay too long - I have 40,000 cranberries to string with bay leaves before my speaking engagement at noon.
Love, Martha Stewart
P.S. When I made the ribbon for this typewriter, I used 1/8-inch gold gauze. I soaked the gauze in a mixture of white grapes and blackberries, which I grew, picked and crushed last week just for fun.

Response from Erma Bombeck:

Dear Martha,
I am writing this on the back of an old shopping list, pay no attention to the coffee and jelly stains. I'm 20 minutes late getting my daughter up for school, packing a lunch with one hand, on the phone with the dog pound, seems old Ruff needs bailing out, again. Burnt my arm on the curling iron when I was trying to make those cute curly fries, how DO they do that?
Still can't find the scissors to cut out some snowflakes, tried using an old disposable razor...trashed the tablecloth. Tried that cranberry thing, frozen cranberries mushed up after I defrosted them in the microwave.
Oh, don't use the Fruity Pebbles as a substitute in that Rice Krispie snowball recipe, unless you happen to like a disgusting shade that resembles regurgitation! The smoke alarm is going off, talk to ya later.
Love, Erma

A Tip About Dryer Lint Filters

It is not enough to always clean the lint from the filter after every load of clothes. You need to take the filter out and wash it with hot soapy water and an old toothbrush (or other brush) at least every six months. Dryer sheets cause a film over the mesh that can eventually burn out the heating unit because no air is passing through. You can't see the film, but it's there. Removing the film will keep your dryer working twice as long (and keep your electric bill lower)!