• America is a country that doesn't know where it is going but is determined to set a speed record getting there. (Laurence J. Peter)
• America is so vast that almost everything said about it is likely to be true, and the opposite is probably equally true. (James T. Farrell)
• America is the only nation in history which miraculously has gone directly from barbarism to degeneration without the usual interval of civilization. (Georges Clemenceau)
• America makes prodigious mistakes, America has colossal faults, but one thing cannot be denied: America is always on the move. She may be going to Hell, of course, but at least she isn't standing still. (e. e. cummings)
• Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no government at all.
• Being Politically Correct means always having to say you're sorry. (Charles Osgood)
• Bread is the staff of life; toast a decadent capitalist luxury.
• Bureaucrats cut red tape...lengthwise!
• Congress is continually appointing fact-finding committees, when what we really need are some fact-facing committees. (Roger Allen)
• Congressmen are the finest body of men money can buy.
• A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for the first time. (Alfred E. Wiggam)
• A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run. (Elbert Hubbard)
• A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who, however, has never learned how to walk forward. (Franklin Delano Roosevelt)
• Conspiracy theories depend on the perpetrators being endlessly clever. The facts work if you assume everyone is endlessly stupid.
• Democracy substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few. (George Bernard Shaw)
• For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
• Genghis Khan conquered Asia with an army only half the size of New York's civil service.(N.Y. Times 8 Oct 1972)
• The genius of you Americans is that you never make clear-cut stupid moves, only complicated stupid moves which make us wonder at the possibility that there may be something to them which we are missing. (Gamel Nasser)
• The government fighting inflation is like the mafia fighting crime.
• Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
• Hell hath no fury like a vested interest masquerading as a moral principle.
• How prophetic L'Enfant was when he laid out Washington D. C. as a city that goes around in circles. (John Mason Brown)
• If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
• If there's anything a public servant hates to do it's something for the public. (Kin Hubbard)
• In America, anyone can be president. that's one of the risks you take.
• In this country we get stuck with taxes, but in the old country we used to get stuck with bayonets. (from The Drifters by James A. Michener)
• Invest in America. Buy a Congressman!
• It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong. (Voltaire)
• Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
• Keeping freedom safe from democracy.
• Last night was the season finale of West Wing. And ABC has cancelled Commander In Chief. So, now the only fictional president is Bush. (David Letterman)
• A liberal is a conservative who has gone to jail, and a conservative is a liberal who has been mugged.
• A liberal is someone too poor to be a capitalist, and too rich to be a communist.
• A liberal thinks that goats are just sheep from broken homes.
• Many a person seems to think it isn't enough for the government to guarantee him the pursuit of happiness. He insists it also run interference for him.
• My folks didn't come over on the Mayflower, but they were there to meet the boat. (Will Rogers)
• No one ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public. (H. L. Mencken)
• Patriotism is the willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons. (Bertrand Russell)
• Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it. (George Bernard Shaw)
• Personal responsibility is a difficult thing to ask for in a nation which has attempted to find a societal "root cause" for all things. (Shapley R. Hunter, 1992)
• Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
• The problem with government is that it scratches where there ain't no itch.
• The Puritans came to America to worship in their way - and to force everybody else to do the same.
• A real patriot is a fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices because the system works. (Bill Vaughn)
• The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. (Jay Leno)
• Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
• The supply of government exceeds the demand.
• Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
• Thank God we don't get all the government we pay for.
• Washington D.C. is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.
• Why do we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
• At a dinner for Commonwealth heads of state some years ago, the chief of protocol saw a guest pocket a gold salt cellar. He asked Winston Churchill what he should do. "Leave it to me" said Sir Winston, and proceeded to pocket a gold pepper-shaker. He then turned to the guilty party and whispered, "Oh, dear, the chief of protocol saw. We'd better put them both back."
• The 10 Commandments contain 297 words.
  The Bill of Rights is stated in 463 words.
  Lincoln's Gettysburg Address contains 266 words.
  A recent federal directive to regulate the price of cabbage contains 26,911 words.
• They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it worked for over 200 years and what the hell, we're not using it anymore.
• To understand politics, we must read between the lies.
• TV announcer: "This has been a test...if it had been an actual emergency, the government would probably have kept it a secret!"
• When I was a boy I was told that anyone could become President; I'm starting to believe. (Clarence Darrow)

Blockbuster

You read about all these terrorists - most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as ten-fifteen years.
Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

Honesty is the Best Policy

At a dinner for Commonwealth heads of state some years ago, the chief of protocol saw a guest pocket a gold salt cellar. He asked Winston Churchill what he should do.
"Leave it to me" said Sir Winston, and proceeded to pocket a gold pepper-shaker. He then turned to the guilty party and whispered, "Oh, dear, the chief of protocol saw. We'd better put them both back."

Reality?

(Ayn Rand)

They proclaim that every man is entitled to exist without labor and, the laws of reality to the contrary notwithstanding, is entitled to receive his "minimum sustenance" - his food, his clothes, his shelter - with no effort on his part, as his due and his birthright. To receive it - from whom?

Border Patrol

Jay Leno referring to President Bush:
In his speech, he outlined a plan to start patrolling the U.S.-Mexican border using members of the National Guard. He said this will give us the most secure border in the world one weekend a month and two full weeks in the summer...This will replace our old method of border control: the honor system

How Much is a Billion?

The next time you hear a politician use the word 'billion' casually, think about whether you want that politician spending your tax money.
A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting it into perspective:
A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
A billion minutes ago, Jesus was alive.
A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
A billion days ago no one walked on two feet on earth.
But a billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate the government spends it.

Official Announcement:

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

It just doesn't get more accurate than that!

The Real Reason

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse? You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

Why We Have an Oil Shortage

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country. Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil so we didn't know we were getting low.

The reason for that is purely geographical. Our OIL is located in Alaska, California, Coastal Florida, Coastal Louisiana, Kansas, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, and Texas ... but our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington DC.

Free of Charge

A priest walked into a barbershop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord."
The next morning, the barber came to work and there were twelve prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.
Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community."
The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.
Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the country."
The next morning, the barber came to work and there were twelve Senators in front of the door.

True or False

A bus filled with politicians was driving through the countryside one day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and crashes into the ditch.
A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians he buries them.
The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man.
"So you buried the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?"
The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie."

Who's in Charge?

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow - or, better yet, just put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

Unconstitutional

Supreme Court Justice Hugo Black was a strict constitutionalist - so strict, in fact, that he carried a copy of the Constitution around with him at all times. Almost all times, anyhow. One morning, reporter-commentator, Sidney Zion spotted Justice Black just inside the grand lobby of the Supreme Court building patting his pockets, fumbling through his briefcase and turning his coat inside out to see if anything had fallen through the lining.
"Did you lose something, Justice Black?" Zion asked. "Can I help you?"
"Oh, yes. Thank you very much," replied Justice Black. "I seem to have left my Constitution on my dresser when I left home this morning." And then Hugo Black turned face to face with Sidney Zion and said, "May I borrow yours?" (from Reader's Digest)

To Each His Own

(Reader's Digest)

One Christmas Eve, a Washington, D. C. radio station called the British ambassador and asked: "What would you like for Christmas?" The ambassador thought for a while and gave his answer.

The next day he heard the announcer tell what foreign ambassadors wanted for Christmas: "The French ambassador said, 'I earnestly desire that next year should be a year of peace.' The Russian ambassador hopes for a year of justice for all men. The German ambassador wants to see a greater sharing of wealth in the world. And the British ambassador said, 'I would like a box of candied fruit.'"

Political Correctness Gone Too Far?

*[This entry has been omitted in order to protect a small and most likely fictional demographic of aquatic creatures, those with a potentially intense sympathy toward the aforementioned likely fictional creatures, as well as those who may or may not have, or may or may not know, a person who shares in these probably-fictional aquatic creatures' particular, though unspecified in this notice, trait.]*

Only in America...

• can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
• are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
• do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
• do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke, and then complain at the weight loss center that they cannot lose weight.
• do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
• do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
• do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
• do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
• do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
• do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
• can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House.

Out-Smarted

An airplane was about to crash, and there were 5 passengers left, but only 4 parachutes. The first passenger,
Bill Clinton said, "I am President of the United States, and I have a great responsibility, being the leader of nearly 300 million people, and a superpower, etc." So he takes the first parachute, and jumps out of the plane.
The second passenger, said, I'm Antoine Walker, one of the best NBA Basketball players, and the Boston Celtics need me, so I can't afford to die." So he takes the second parachute, and leaves the plane.
The third passenger, Hillary Clinton, said "I am the wife of the President of the United States,
and soon to be New York Senator, and I am the smartest woman in the world." So she takes the third parachute and exits the plane.
The fourth passenger, the Old man, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year old boy scout, "I am old and frail and I don't have many years left, so a as Christian gesture and a good deed, I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The boy scout said, "It's Ok, there's a parachute left for you. The world's smartest woman took my backpack."

The Pig

Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.
Bill told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened.
About an hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.
"What happened to you?" asked Bill.
"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his nineteen year old daughter made mad passionate love to me," said the driver.
"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Clinton. The driver replies, "I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just killed the pig."

Remember When

It is a strange turn of events. Hillary gets $8 Million for her forthcoming memoir. Bill gets about $12 Million for his memoir. This from two people who have spent the past eight years being unable to recall anything about past events!

Starr-You-Are

("Dr. seuss" style poem about Bill Clinton)

Denial

(another 'Dr. seuss' style poem about Clinton)