This file has humor about various countries and regions. For humor related to a particular state see the Specific Destinations file. Also see Travel and Southern Humor.

At these Fahrenheit Temperatures:

• +65   Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night.
• +60   Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one).
• +50   Miami residents turn on the heat.
• +45   Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts.
• +40   You can see your breath. Californians shiver uncontrollably.
• +35   Italian cars don't start. Minnesotans go swimming.
• +32   Water freezes. Canadians go swimming.
• +30   You plan your vacation to Australia. Californians weep.
• +25   Ohio water freezes. Minnesotans eat ice cream.
• +20   Politicians begin to talk about the homeless. Miami residents plan a vacation farther South.
• +15   French cars don't start. New York City water freezes.
• +10   You need jumper cables to get the car going.
• +5     American cars don't start. Cat insists on sleeping with you.
•   0     Alaskans put on T-shirts.
• -5     German cars don't start. Eyes freeze shut when you blink.
• -10   You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo. Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects.
• -15   Miami residents cease to exist. Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you. Japanese cars don't start.
• -20   Politicians actually do something about the homeless. Minnesotans shovel snow off roof.
• -25   You need jumper cables to get the driver going.
• -30   You plan a two week hot bath. Swedish cars don't start.
• -35   Californians disappear. Minnesotans button top button.
• -40   Canadians put on sweaters. Your car helps plan a trip South.
• -50   Congressional hot air freezes. Alaskans close the windows.
• -80   Hell freezes over. Polar bears move South. Green Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game.
• -90   Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.

Heaven and Hell

Heaven is Where . . .
The chefs are Italian
The lovers are French
The police are English
The mechanics are German
And the Swiss keep the whole thing running.

Hell is Where . . .
The chefs are English
The lovers are Swiss
The police are German
The mechanics are French
And the Italians keep the whole thing running

You live in the Midwest when...

• You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
• Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
• You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
• You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
• When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

Rejected but Realistic State Mottos

• Alabama
  Literacy ain't everything, Ya want fries with dat?
  We Have Electricity
  At Least We're Not Mississippi
• Alaska
  Come, Freeze Your Butt Off
  11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
• Arizona
  Winter Home to 150,000 Snowbirds
  But It's a Dry Heat
• Arkansas
  At Least We're Not Mississippi
  Litterasy Ain't Everthing
• California
  Nobody's Actually From Here
  Fast Reloading Lanes Available
  Hey, With This Many of Us, We Can Make Anything Legal
  As Seen on TV
• Colorado
  Too Wimpy to Cross the Mountains So We Stopped Here
  If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
• Connecticut
  Way Too Close to New York
  Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
• Delaware
  Parking for Dupont Employees Only
  You'll Need a Map to Find Us
  We Really Do Like the Chemicals in Our Water
• Florida
  Give Me Your Sick, Your Old, Your Rich Retirees...
  Senior Citizen Discounts Available
  Come, Enjoy the Humidity
  Ask Us About Our Grandkids
• Georgia
  Home of the Rednecks
  Gateway to Florida
  We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
• Hawaii
  Try Our Lei-Away Program
  Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
• Idaho
  Ain't Nothing Here
  More Than Just Potatoes...Okay, We're Not, But the Potatoes are Real Good
• Illinois
  Land of the Voting Dead
  Gateway to Iowa
  Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
• Indiana
  Home of David Letterman
  2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
• Iowa
  It's Easy to Spell
  We Do Amazing Things With Corn
• Kansas
  Hayfever Capital of the Midwest
  Dole Slept Here
  There's No Place Like Home
  First Of the Rectangle States
• Kentucky
  Tobacco is a Vegetable
  Gateway to Nashville
  Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
• Louisiana
  Swim the Beautiful Bayou
  Cancer Alley's Just a Name, and Names Will Never Hurt You
  We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
• Maine
  We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
  For Sale
  You Can Spit on Canada From Here
• Maryland
  If it Weren't for Washington, You Couldn't Find Us
  If You Can Dream it, We Can Tax it
  A Thinking Man's Delaware
• Massachusetts
  Taxus Por Un Fortunat Bums
  Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
• Michigan
  Where Cars Used to Come From
  First Line of Defense From the Canadians
• Minnesota
  Not Sweden, But We Try to Act Like it
  10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000 Mosquitoes
• Mississippi
  Why Would You Want to Come Here?
  Elvis was Born Here, But Heck, Even He Left
  Come Feel Better About Your Own State
• Missouri
  Gateway to Kansas
  Here's Mine, Show Me Yours
  We Love Company
  Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
• Montana
  It's Where You're Wanted
  Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
• Nebraska
  Not Much to Look at, But We Sure Have a Lot of it
  More Corn Than Kansas
  Go to Kansas, Turn North
  Ask About Our State Motto Contest
• Nevada
  More Weirdos Than Alaska (Warmer Too)
  2 words--Death Valley
  3:5 You'll Leave Broke
  We Have Our Own Nuclear Testing
  Two to One You Will Come Again
• New Hampshire
  Like Old Hampshire, Only Newer
  About as Exciting as Vermont
  Go Away and Leave Us Alone
• New Jersey
  Waste Not...Send it Here Instead
  You Want a ##$%## Motto?? I Got Yer ##$%## Motto Right Here!!
• New Mexico
  We Have Reservations
  Alien Welcome Center--Roswell
  Lizards Make Excellent Pets
• New York
  Like We CARE About a Motto
  English Spoken Here; Sometimes
  You Have the Right to Remain Silent...
• North Carolina
  We're Bigger Than South Carolina
  Tobacco is a Vegetable
• North Dakota
  The OTHER South Dakota
  We Really ARE One of the 50 States!
• Ohio
  Don't Judge Us by Cleveland
  Proud Polluters of Lake Erie
  We're Easy to Spell
  We Wish We Were in Michigan
• Oklahoma
  I Don't Think We're in Kansas Anymore, Toto
  Rather Sooner Than Later
  We're OK, You're NOT!
  Like the Play, Only No Singing
• Oregon
  As Pretty as California but Not as Weird
  You Can See the Sunset From Here
  Spotted Owl...It's What's for Dinner
• Pennsylvania
  Free Lube Job With Oil Change
  Freeway On-Ramps--What's That?
  Cook With Coal
• Rhode Island
  Size Ain't Everything
  Nobody Famous Came From Rhode Island
  We're Not REALLY an Island
• South Carolina
  Settled by Prisoners, What Do You Expect
  Just South of North Carolina
  Where the Civil War is Never Over
• South Dakota
  To Rent This Space Call 1-800-SEE-COWS
  Closer Than North Dakota
• Tennessee
  To Stay Here, You'd HAVE to Be a Volunteer!
  A Great Fixer-Upper
  The Educashun State
• Texas
  See, EVERYTHING is Bigger in Texas!
  Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I speak English)
• Utah
  At Least Our Sheep Can't Talk
  Our Jesus is Better Than Your Jesus
• Vermont
  Bet Ya Can't Name two of Our Towns
  Yep
• Virginia
  Please Don't Confuse Us With West Virginia!
  Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
• Washington
  If We'd Meant DC, We'd Have Said DC, Stupid
  We Like Our State, So STAY OUT!
  Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
• Washington, D.C.
  Seattle is NOT Our Capital, WE are the CAPITAL!
  Wanna Be Mayor?
• West Virginia
  Well, it Sounded Better Than Eastern Ohio...
  One Big Happy Family--Really!
• Wisconsin
  Come Cut Our Cheese
  Land of Funny Accents
  Say "Cheeeese"
• Wyoming
  The Nation's Best Beef Cattle. Watch Where You Step.
  More Elk Than People, but Not Much Traffic
  Wynot?
  

Something to think about: Why is it called the tourist season if we can't shoot them?