This file has humor about various countries and regions. For humor related to a particular state see the Specific Destinations file. Also see Travel and Southern Humor.

Canada

You May Be a Canadian If...

• You stand in "line-ups" at the movie, not lines.
• You're not offended by the term "Homo Milk"
• You understand the phrase, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine".
• You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars.
• You drink pop, not soda.
• You know what it means to be on pogey.
• You know that a mickey and a 2-4 means "Party at the camp, eh!"
• You can drink legally while still a teen.
• You know that francophones, anglophones and allophones are not electronic devices.
• You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike.
• When there is a social problem, you turn to your government to fix it instead of telling them to stay out of it.
• You're not sure if the leader of our nation has EVER had sex and don't want to know if he has!
• You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.
• Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway.
• You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
• You know what a Robertson screwdriver is.
• You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
• You know that Thrills are something to chew and "taste like soap".
• You know that Mounties don't always look like that.
• You read rather than scanned this list.

Ireland

 Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean, and Shamus, were walking home late one night and found themselves on the road, which led past an old graveyard. "Come have a look over here," says Paddy.
"It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing", says Sean. "Here's one named Patrick O'Toole. It says here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Shamus yells out. "But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy.
Shamus lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "He was Miles, from Dublin."

Multiple Locations

At these Fahrenheit Temperatures:

• +65 - Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night.
• +60 - Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one).
• +50 - Miami residents turn on the heat.
• +45 - Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts.
• +40 - You can see your breath. Californians shiver uncontrollably. Minnesotans go swimming
• +35 - Italian cars don't start.
• +32 - Water freezes.
• +30 - You plan your vacation to Australia.
• +25 - Ohio water freezes. Californians weep. Minnesotans eat ice cream. Canadians go swimming
• +20 - Politicians begin to talk about the homeless. Miami residents plan vacation farther South.
• +15 - French cars don't start. Cat insists on sleeping with you. New York City water freezes.
• +10 - You need jumper cables to get the car going.
•  +5 - American cars don't start.
•   0 - Alaskans put on T-shirts.
• -5 - German cars don't start. Eyes freeze shut when you blink.
• -10 - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo. Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects.
• -15 - Miami residents cease to exist. Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you. Japanese cars don't start.
• -20 - Politicians actually do something about the homeless. Minnesotans shovel snow off roof.
• -25 - Too cold to think. You need jumper cables to get the driver going.
• -30 - You plan a two week hot bath. Swedish cars don't start.
• -35 - Californians disappear. Minnesotans button top button.
• -40 - Canadians put on sweaters. Your car helps you plan your trip South.
• -50 - Congressional hot air freezes. Alaskans close the bathroom window.
• -80 - Hell freezes over. Polar bears move South. Green Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game.
• -90 - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.

Heaven And Hell

Heaven Is Where...
The chefs are Italian
The lovers are French
The police are English
The mechanics are German
And the Swiss keep the whole thing running.

Hell Is Where...
The chefs are English
The lovers are Swiss
The police are German
The mechanics are French
And the Italians keep the whole thing running

You live in the Midwest when...

• You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
• Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
• You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
• You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
• When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

Rejected but Realistic State Mottos

• Alabama
  Literacy ain't everything, Ya want fries with dat?
  We Have Electricity
  At Least We're not Mississippi
• Alaska
  Come, freeze your butt off
  11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
• Arizona
  Winter home to 150,000 snowbirds
  But It's a Dry Heat
• Arkansas
  At least we're not Mississippi
  Litterasy Ain't Everthing
• California
  Nobody's actually from here
  Fast reloading lanes available
  Hey, with this many of us, we can make anything legal
  As Seen on TV
• Colorado
  Too wimpy to cross the mountains so we stopped here
  If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
• Connecticut
  Way too close to New York
  Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
• Delaware
  Parking for Dupont employees only
  You'll need a map to find us
  We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water
• Florida
  Give me your sick, your old, your rich retirees...
  Senior citizen discounts available
  Come, enjoy the humidity
  Ask Us About Our Grandkids
• Georgia
  Home of the Rednecks
  Gateway to Florida
  We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
• Hawaii
  Try our lei-away program
  Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
• Idaho
  Ain't nothing here
  More Than Just Potatoes...Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Are Real Good
• Illinois
  Land of the voting dead
  Gateway to Iowa
  Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
• Indiana
  Home of David Letterman
  2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
• Iowa
  It's easy to spell
  We Do Amazing Things With Corn
• Kansas
  Hayfever capital of the Midwest
  Dole slept here
  There's no place like home
  First Of The Rectangle States
• Kentucky
  Tobacco is a vegetable
  Gateway to Nashville
  Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
• Louisiana
  Swim the beautiful Bayou
  Cancer Alley's just a name, and names will never hurt you
  We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
• Maine
  We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
For Sale
You can spit on Canada from here

• Maryland
  If it weren't for Washington, you couldn't find us
  If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
  A Thinking Man's Delaware
• Massachusetts
  Taxus Por Un Fortunat Bums
  Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (for most tax brackets)
• Michigan
  Where cars used to come from
  First Line of Defense From the Canadians
• Minnesota
  Not Sweden, but we try to act like it
  10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000 Mosquitoes
• Mississippi
  Why would you want to come here?
  Elvis was born here, but heck, even he left
  Come Feel Better About Your Own State
• Missouri
  Gateway to Kansas
  Here's mine, Show Me yours
  We love company
  Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
• Montana
  It's where you're wanted
  Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
• Nebraska
  Not much to look at, but we sure have a lot of it
  More corn than Kansas
  Go to Kansas, turn north
  Ask About Our State Motto Contest
• Nevada
  More weirdos than Alaska (warmer too)
  2 words - Death Valley
  3:5 you'll leave broke
  We have our own nuclear testing
  Two to one you will come again
• New Hampshire
  Like Old Hampshire, only newer
  About as exciting as Vermont
  Go Away and Leave Us Alone
• New Jersey
  Waste not...Send it here instead
  You Want a ##$%## Motto?? I Got Yer ##$%## Motto Right Here!!
• New Mexico
  We have reservations
  Alien Welcome Center - Roswell
  Lizards Make Excellent Pets
• New York
  Like we CARE about a motto
  English spoken here; sometimes
  You Have the Right to Remain Silent...
• North Carolina
  We're bigger than South Carolina
  Tobacco is a Vegetable
• North Dakota
  The OTHER South Dakota
  We Really ARE One of the 50 States!
• Ohio
  Don't judge us by Cleveland
  Proud polluters of Lake Erie
  We're easy to spell
  We Wish We Were In Michigan
• Oklahoma
  I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto
  Rather Sooner than later
  We're OK, you're NOT!
  Like the Play, Only No Singing
• Oregon
  As pretty as California but not as weird
  You can see the sunset from here
  Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner
• Pennsylvania
  Free lube job with oil change
  Freeway On-Ramps - What's That?
  Cook With Coal
• Rhode Island
  Size ain't everything
  Nobody famous came from Rhode Island
  We're Not REALLY An Island
• South Carolina
  Settled by prisoners, what do you expect
  Just south of North Carolina
  Where the Civil War is Never Over
• South Dakota
  To rent this space call 1-800-SEE-COWS
  Closer Than North Dakota
• Tennessee
  To stay here, you'd HAVE to be a Volunteer!
  A great fixer-upper
  The Educashun State
• Texas
  See, EVERYTHING is bigger in Texas!
  Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I speak English)
• Utah
  At least our sheep can't talk
  Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
• Vermont
  Bet ya can't name 2 of our towns
  Yep
• Virginia
  Please don't confuse us with West Virginia!
  Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
• Washington
  If we'd meant DC, we'd have said DC, stupid
  We like our state, so STAY OUT!
  Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
• Washington, D.C.
  Seattle is NOT our capital, WE are the CAPITAL!
  Wanna Be Mayor?
• West Virginia
  Well, it sounded better than Eastern Ohio...
  One Big Happy Family - Really!
• Wisconsin
  Come Cut Our Cheese
Land of funny accents
Say "Cheeeese"

• Wyoming
  The nation's best beef cattle. Watch where you step
  More elk than people, but not much traffic
  Wynot?