Also see Marriage Humor, Men, Relationship Humor, Humor For Women, and Women.




An Explanation

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!


Punctuation is Important!

An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."


He versus She in the Work Place

The family picture is on HIS desk. Ah, a solid, responsible family man.
The family picture is on HER desk. Umm, her family will come before her career.

HIS desk is cluttered. He's obviously a hard worker and a busy man.
HER desk is cluttered. She's obviously a disorganized scatterbrain.

HE is talking with his co-workers. He must be discussing the latest deal.
SHE is talking with her co-workers. She must be gossiping.

HE's not at his desk. He must be at a meeting.
SHE's not at her desk. She must be in the ladies' room.

HE's not in the office. He's meeting with customers.
SHE's not in the office. She must be out shopping.

HE's having lunch with the boss. He's on his way up.
SHE's having lunch with the boss. They must be having an affair.

The boss criticized HIM. He'll improve his performance.
The boss criticized HER. She'll be very upset.

HE got an unfair deal. Did he get angry?
SHE got an unfair deal. Did she cry?

HE's getting married. He'll get more settled.
SHE's getting married. She'll get pregnant and leave.

HE's having a baby. He'll need a raise.
SHE's having a baby. She'll cost the company money in maternity benefits.

HE's going on a business trip. It's good for his career.
SHE's going on a business trip. What does her husband say?

HE's leaving for a better job. He knows how to recognize a good opportunity.
SHE's leaving for a better job. Women are not dependable.


Instructions for using drive up ATM machine

Male Instructions:

  1. Pull up to ATM
  2. Insert card
  3. Enter PIN
  4. Take cash, card and receipt
  5. Drive away

Female Instructions:

  1. Pull up to ATM
  2. Back up and pull forward to get closer
  3. Shut off engine
  4. Put keys in purse
  5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
  6. Hunt for card in purse
  7. Insert card
  8. Hunt in purse for grocery receipt with PIN written on it.
  9. Enter PIN
  10. Study instructions.
  11. Hit "cancel"
  12. Re-enter correct PIN
  13. Check balance
  14. Look for envelope
  15. Look in purse for pen
  16. Make out deposit slip
  17. Endorse checks
  18. Make deposit
  19. Study instructions
  20. Make cash withdrawal
  21. Get in car
  22. Check makeup
  23. Look for keys
  24. Start car
  25. Check makeup
  26. Start pulling away
  27. Stop
  28. Back to machine
  29. Get out of car
  30. Take card and receipt
  31. Get back in car
  32. Put card in wallet
  33. Put receipt in checkbook
  34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
  35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
  36. Check makeup
  37. Put car in reverse
  38. Put car in drive
  39. Drive away from machine
  40. Drive three miles
  41. Release parking brake

Oops! I forget the rest of the male instructions:

  1. Forget to inform wife (who maintains the checking account) of said ATM withdrawal.
  2. Get angry with wife when the account is overdrawn!
  3. Look sheepish when she finds ATM withdrawal slips in your wallet three months later.

Moods of a Woman

An angel in truth, a demon in fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction.

She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.

She can be sour as vinegar or sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,

She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk;

You'll fancy she's this, but you'll find she's that.
For she'll play like a kitten and bite like a cat.

In the morning she will, in the evening she won't,
And if you're expecting she does, then she don't.

At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.

Moods of A Man

Horny
Hungry


8 words with two meanings:

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female . . . Any part under a car's hood.
Male . . . The fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female . . . Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male . . . Playing football without a cup.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female . . . The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male . . . Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female . . . A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male . . . Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female . . . A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male . . . Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female . . . An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male . . . A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female . . . The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve
Male . . . Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female . . . A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male . . . A device for scanning through all 375 channels every five minutes.


Life is good when you're a female...


Life is good when you're a male...


Female Prayer

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Amen.

Male Prayer

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with big boobs
who owns a liquor store and a bass boat. This doesn't
rhyme and I don't give a crap.
Amen.


How to Impress a Woman

Wine her, Dine her, Call her, Hug her,
Hold her, Surprise her, Compliment her,
Smile at her, Laugh with her,
Cry with her, Cuddle with her,
Shop with her, Give her jewelry,
Buy her flowers, Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go to the end of the earth and back for her.

How to Impress a Man

Show up naked.
Bring beer.


The Truth about Dogs

Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
They hear a package of food opening a block away, but they don't hear you when you're in the same room.
They growl when they are not happy.
When you want to play, they want to play.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They are great at begging.
They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
They leave their toys everywhere.
They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
Conclusion: They are little men in fur coats.


The Truth about Cats

1) Cats do what they want.
2) They rarely listen to you.
3) They're totally unpredictable.
4) They whine when they are not happy.
5) When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7) They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8) They're moody.
9) They leave hair everywhere.
10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: They're tiny little women in cheap fur coats.


What's the Difference?

A man was waiting in the doctor's office. The doctor came in and said, "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that you have an inoperable brain tumor. The good news is our hospital has just been certified to do brain transplants and there has been an accident right out front. A young couple was killed and you can have which ever brain you like. The man's brain is $100,000 and the woman's brain is $30,000."
The patient could not help but ask, "Why such a large difference between the male and the female brain?"
The doctor replied, "The female brain is used.


Male/Female Differences

God made men and women to complement each other with the unique traits we were each given:

WOMEN

MEN


Political Correctness

How to Talk About Women

How to Talk About Men