Also see Marriage Humor, Men, Relationship Humor, Humor For Women, and Women.
- According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.
- All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.
- Ask a woman how she stubbed her toe and she'll say she walked into a chair, ask a man and he'll say someone left a chair in the middle of the room.
- The difference between Government Bonds and men is that Government Bonds mature.
- The difference between man and E.T. is that E.T. phoned home.
- "Easy" is an adjective used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man. (Nancy Linn-Desmond)
- Have you ever wondered why it takes MILLIONS of sperm and only one egg to make a baby? It's because not one of those little surfers will stop and ask for directions!
- How can men and women process information differently if they're given the same information? Simple, women begin their processing by listening! (Rhonda Hansome)
- Q. How many men does it take to change a light bulb? A. One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Q. How many women does it take to change a light bulb? A. None. They just sit there in the dark and complain.
- If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base. (Dave Barry)
- If diamonds are a girl's best friend and a dog is man's best friend, who really is the dumber sex?
- I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me. (Elayne Boosler)
- Man has his will, but woman has her way. (Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.)
- A man is as good as he has to be, and a woman is as bad as she dares. (Elbert Hubbard)
- A man says to his wife, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
"OK," says his wife as she gets up and unplugs the TV.
- A man thinks he knows, but a woman knows better. (Chinese proverb)
- A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
- A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.
- A man's idea of helping with the housework is lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
- Men always want to be a woman's first love, women like to be a man's last romance. (Oscar Wilde)
- Men are taught to apologize for their weaknesses, women for their strengths. (Lois Wyse)
- Men define a 50-50 relationship as you cook/I eat; you clean/I make messes; you iron/I wrinkle; etc.
- Men forget everything, women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what happened. (Rita Rudner)
- MEN need signs...WOMEN work ALL the time!
- Men play the game, women know the score. (Roger Waddis)
- Men see objects; women see the relationship between objects. (Michel Foucalt)
- Psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women because when it's time for a man to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
- She says, "He forgets stuff I tell him, so I have to repeat myself over and over again."
He says, "She nags me."
- A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh! (Conan O'Brien)
- To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
- What Women Want: To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held. What Men Want: Tickets for the world series. (Dave Barry)
- What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
- What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
- When men and women agree, it is only in their conclusions; their reasons are always different. (George Santayana)
- Wife: I hate seeing all those rear ends in the jeans commercials.
Husband: I guess they want you to see the labels.
Wife: Well, why don't they put the labels on the knees?
Husband: No one would look there! (Dik Browne)
- A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
- A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
- A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's--she changes it more often!
- Women always worry about the things that men forget; men always worry about the things women remember.
- Women and cats will do exactly at they please, men and dogs should just relax and get used to it.
- Women may be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships. (James Shubert)
- Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself--like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks. (Jean Kerr)
- Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say, "Oh no, I've got to get out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
- Would you like to speak to the man in charge or the woman who knows what's going on?
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
Punctuation is Important!
An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
He versus She in the Work Place
The family picture is on HIS desk. Ah, a solid, responsible family man.
The family picture is on HER desk. Umm, her family will come before her career.
HIS desk is cluttered. He's obviously a hard worker and a busy man.
HER desk is cluttered. She's obviously a disorganized scatterbrain.
HE is talking with his co-workers. He must be discussing the latest deal.
SHE is talking with her co-workers. She must be gossiping.
HE's not at his desk. He must be at a meeting.
SHE's not at her desk. She must be in the ladies' room.
HE's not in the office. He's meeting with customers.
SHE's not in the office. She must be out shopping.
HE's having lunch with the boss. He's on his way up.
SHE's having lunch with the boss. They must be having an affair.
The boss criticized HIM. He'll improve his performance.
The boss criticized HER. She'll be very upset.
HE got an unfair deal. Did he get angry?
SHE got an unfair deal. Did she cry?
HE's getting married. He'll get more settled.
SHE's getting married. She'll get pregnant and leave.
HE's having a baby. He'll need a raise.
SHE's having a baby. She'll cost the company money in maternity benefits.
HE's going on a business trip. It's good for his career.
SHE's going on a business trip. What does her husband say?
HE's leaving for a better job. He knows how to recognize a good opportunity.
SHE's leaving for a better job. Women are not dependable.
Instructions for using drive up ATM machine
- Pull up to ATM
- Insert card
- Enter PIN
- Take cash, card and receipt
- Drive away
- Pull up to ATM
- Back up and pull forward to get closer
- Shut off engine
- Put keys in purse
- Get out of car because you're too far from machine
- Hunt for card in purse
- Insert card
- Hunt in purse for grocery receipt with PIN written on it.
- Enter PIN
- Study instructions.
- Hit "cancel"
- Re-enter correct PIN
- Check balance
- Look for envelope
- Look in purse for pen
- Make out deposit slip
- Endorse checks
- Make deposit
- Study instructions
- Make cash withdrawal
- Get in car
- Check makeup
- Look for keys
- Start car
- Check makeup
- Start pulling away
- Back to machine
- Get out of car
- Take card and receipt
- Get back in car
- Put card in wallet
- Put receipt in checkbook
- Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
- Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
- Check makeup
- Put car in reverse
- Put car in drive
- Drive away from machine
- Drive three miles
- Release parking brake
Oops! I forget the rest of the male instructions:
- Forget to inform wife (who maintains the checking account) of said ATM withdrawal.
- Get angry with wife when the account is overdrawn!
- Look sheepish when she finds ATM withdrawal slips in your wallet three months later.
Moods of a Woman
An angel in truth, a demon in fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction.
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.
She can be sour as vinegar or sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk;
You'll fancy she's this, but you'll find she's that.
For she'll play like a kitten and bite like a cat.
In the morning she will, in the evening she won't,
And if you're expecting she does, then she don't.
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.
Moods of A Man
8 words with two meanings:
THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female . . . Any part under a car's hood.
Male . . . The fastener on a woman's bra.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female . . . Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male . . . Playing football without a cup.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female . . . The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male . . . Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female . . . A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male . . . Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female . . . A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male . . . Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female . . . An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male . . . A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female . . . The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve
Male . . . Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female . . . A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male . . . A device for scanning through all 375 channels every five minutes.
Life is good when you're a female...
- We got off the Titanic first.
- We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
- We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
- We can cry and get off speeding fines.
- We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
- Taxis stop for us.
- We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
- Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies (you get the point).
- New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
- No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
- We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
- If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
- We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her butt.
- We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
- If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
- We have the ability to dress ourselves.
- We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
- If we marry someone twenty years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
- There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
- We'll never regret piercing our ears.
- We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
- We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra.
- Nobody has to know when we're at work and find ourselves incredibly turned on by the way a man smells.
Life is good when you're a male...
- Your last name stays put.
- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
- Chocolate is just another snack.
- You can be president.
- You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
- Foreplay is optional.
- Car mechanics tell you the truth.
- You don't give a darn if someone notices your new haircut.
- The world is your urinal.
- Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
- You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
- Same work...more pay.
- Wrinkles add character.
- You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
- Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.
- If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
- People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
- The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
- New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
- Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "So, notice anything different?"
- One mood, ALL the damn time.
- Phone conversations are over in thirty seconds flat.
- You know stuff about tanks.
- A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
- You can open all your own jars.
- Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.
- You can go to a public toilet without a support group.
- You can leave the motel bed unmade.
- You can kill your own food.
- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
- If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
- Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
- If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
- Everything on your face stays its original color.
- You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
- Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
- You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.
- You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours never thinking:
"He must be mad at me".
- No maxi-pads.
- You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
- If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
- You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
- You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
- You almost never have strap problems in public.
- You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
- The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
- You don't have to shave below your neck.
- One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
- You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
- You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
- Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with big boobs
who owns a liquor store and a bass boat. This doesn't
rhyme and I don't give a crap.
How to Impress a Woman
Wine her, Dine her, Call her, Hug her,
Hold her, Surprise her, Compliment her,
Smile at her, Laugh with her,
Cry with her, Cuddle with her,
Shop with her, Give her jewelry,
Buy her flowers, Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go to the end of the earth and back for her.
How to Impress a Man
Show up naked.
The Truth about Dogs
Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
They hear a package of food opening a block away, but they don't hear you when you're in the same room.
They growl when they are not happy.
When you want to play, they want to play.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They are great at begging.
They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
They leave their toys everywhere.
They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
Conclusion: They are little men in fur coats.
The Truth about Cats
1) Cats do what they want.
2) They rarely listen to you.
3) They're totally unpredictable.
4) They whine when they are not happy.
5) When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7) They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8) They're moody.
9) They leave hair everywhere.
10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: They're tiny little women in cheap fur coats.
What's the Difference?
A man was waiting in the doctor's office. The doctor came in and said,
"Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that you have an inoperable brain tumor. The good news is our hospital has just been certified to do brain transplants and there has been an accident right out front. A young couple was killed and you can have which ever brain you like. The man's brain is $100,000 and the woman's brain is $30,000."
The patient could not help but ask, "Why such a large difference between the male and the female brain?"
The doctor replied, "The female brain is used.
God made men and women to complement each other with the unique traits we were each given:
- Women have strengths that amaze men. They carry children, they carry hardships, they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love, and joy.
- They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry.
- They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.
- Women wait by the phone for a 'safe at home call' from a friend after a snowy drive home.
- They are child care workers, executives, attorneys, stay-at-home moms, biker babes, and your neighbors.
- They wear suits, jeans, and they wear uniforms.
- They fight for what they believe in. They stand up for injustice.
- They walk and talk the extra mile to get their children in the right schools and get their family the right health care.
- They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
- Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving.
- They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point.
- Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves.
- Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
- A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.
- Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in homes, apartments, and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run, or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.
- The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals.
- They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile, and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.
- Men are good at lifting heavy stuff.
How to Talk About Women
- She is not a 'Babe' or a 'Chick' -- She is a 'Breasted American'.
- She is not a 'Screamer' or a 'Moaner' -- She is 'Vocally Appreciative'.
- She is not 'Easy' -- She is 'Horizontally Accessible'.
- She is not a 'Dumb Blonde' -- She is a 'Light-Haired Detour Off the Information Superhighway'.
- She has not 'Been Around' -- She is a 'Previously-Enjoyed Companion'.
- She is not an 'Airhead' -- She is 'Reality Impaired'.
- She does not get 'Drunk' or 'Tipsy' -- She gets 'Chemically Inconvenienced'.
- She does not 'Nag' you -- She becomes 'Verbally Repetitive'.
- She is not a 'Tramp' -- She is 'Sexually Extroverted'.
- She does not have 'Major League Hooters' -- She is 'Pectorally Superior'.
How to Talk About Men
- He does not have a 'Beer Gut' -- He has developed a 'Liquid Grain Storage Facility'.
- He is not a 'Bad Dancer' -- He is 'Overly Caucasian'.
- He does not 'Get Lost All the Time' -- He 'Investigates Alternative Destinations'.
- He is not 'Balding' -- He is in 'Follicle Regression'.
- He is not a 'Cradle Robber' -- He prefers 'Generational Differential Relationships'.
- He does not get 'Falling-Down Drunk' -- He becomes 'Accidentally Horizontal'.
- He is not a 'Male Chauvinist Pig' -- He has 'Swine Empathy'.
- He is not afraid of 'Commitment' -- He is 'Relationship Challenged'.
- He is not 'Horny' -- He is 'Sexually Focused'.
- It's not his 'Crack' you see hanging out of his pants -- It's 'Rear Cleavage'.