Internet

Also see Computer Humor, Computer Pages, Computer Poems, and Email.

A:\ B:\ C:\ - Alphabet of a new generation.
A chat has nine lives.
Click now...repent later!
A computer geek will spend hours trying to find a way to save two minutes.
Dance like the photo isn't being tagged, love like you've never been unfriended, and tweet like no one is following (Will Ferrell)
Don't byte off more than you can view.
Everybody gets so much information all day long that they lose their common sense. (Gertrude Stein)
Few influential people involved with the Internet claim that it is a good in and of itself. It is a powerful tool for solving social problems, just as it is a tool for making money, finding lost relatives, receiving medical advice, or, come to that, trading instructions for making bombs. (Esther Dyson)
Getting information off the Internet is like taking a drink from a fire hydrant. (Mitchell Kapor)
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Home is where the computer is plugged in.
Home is where you hang your @.
I am logged in, therefore I am.
I had a life once...now I have a computer and a modem.
I'm just gettin' on for a minute...
The Internet is a phone system that's gotten uppity. (Clifford Stoll)
The Internet is proof that a million monkeys with a million typewriters can't write Hamlet.
The Internet is so big, so powerful and pointless that for some people it is a complete substitute for life. (Andrew Brown)
The Internet is the world's largest library. It's just that all the books are on the floor. (John Allen Paulos)
The Internet treats censorship as a malfunction and routes around it. (John Perry Barlow)
A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
A Life? Cool! Where can I download one of those from?
Looking at the proliferation of personal web pages on the net, it looks like very soon everyone on earth will have 15 Megabytes of fame. (M. G. Siriam)
The 'Net is a waste of time, and that's exactly what's right about it. (William Gibson)
Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
There's no place like http://www.home.com
Too many clicks spoil the browse.
The truth is out there? Anyone knows the URL?
A web-surfer and his leisure time are soon parted.
You affect the world by what you browse. (Tim Berners-Lee)

Facebook Facts of Life

Big companies don't do business via chain letter. Bill Gates is not giving you $1000, and Disney is not giving you a free vacation. There is no baby food company issuing class-action checks. You can relax; there is no need to pass it on 'just in case it's true'. Furthermore, just because someone said "we checked it out and it's legit", does not actually make it true.
You will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else no matter how many people you share a post with.
The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.
If God wants to send you a message by using a PC, He certainly is not going to 'test' you to see if you share it with others.
Even if the latest NASA rocket disaster DID contain plutonium that went to particulate over the eastern seaboard, do you REALLY think this information would reach the public via Facebook?
You will NOT get bad luck or lose your friends if you DON'T share a post!
You will NOT hear music or see a pop-up window with a cute character, if you DO share a post.

You know you're an Internet Junkie when...

All of your friends have an @ in their names.
Not only is your computer in the center of the room, it's set up to allow 'netting from your couch, as well as your desk chair.
Sleep and nighttime are no longer irrevocably linked.
When you read a magazine, you have the urge to click on the underlined passages.
You arrange to get e-mail access no matter where you go.
You can remember your web address faster than your phone number.
You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
You check your web page more than once a day.
You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
You decide to stay in college another year, just for the free Internet access.
You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Internet Explorer 5.0 or higher."
You get depressed when you get less than ten e-mails a day.
You get REALLY excited when people from countries with limited access to the 'net visit your pages.
You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee.
You have more e-mail addresses than you do pairs of shoes.
You know about USENET cultures in groups you don't even read.
You laugh at people with 56,000-baud modems.
You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
You name your children Mozilla and Dotcom.
You set up an automatic rerouting of your e-mail to your smart phone.
You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
You see a beautiful sunset, and you half-expect to see "Enhanced for Netscape 6.0" on one of the clouds.
You start getting paranoid that you aren't getting all your e-mail.
You start introducing yourself as "JohnDoe at CSi dot com."
You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :-)
You start using smileys in your snail mail. : )
You tell a cab driver you live at "http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html".
You visit "The Really Big Button That Doesn't Do Anything" again and again and again.
You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
You write web pages about your web pages.
You'll spend hours customizing you're computer to the pinnacle of comfort, but you won't spend a few minutes sewing up a skirt.
Your cat or dog has its own home page.
Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem...and you succeed.
Your opening line is: "So, what's your homepage address?"
Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
You bought a license plate holders with your URL or E-Mail address embossed on it.
You're reading this.
Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else.

A Net Addicts Day

Slow day: not much to do so spent three hours on Facebook.
Busy day: managed to work in three hours on Facebook.
Very busy day: barely squeezed in three hours on Facebook.

Password Security Guidelines

Due to new security policies you must change your password every day. The following guidelines have been issued to assist in choosing new passwords. Please follow them closely.

Must contain at least twelve characters.
Must contain both upper and lower case characters and at least two numbers.
Must not be in any dictionary.
Cannot be a word or phrase bearing any connection to the holder.
Must be different from all other passwords on the internet.
Cannot contain any characters from any of your previous passwords.
Cannot be written down or saved in a password saver program.

How many message board posters does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer: 1,343
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed;
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently;
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs;
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs;
53 to flame the spell checkers;
41 to correct spelling/grammar of the flames;
6 to argue over whether it's "light bulb" or "lightbulb";
another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive;
156 to write to the site administrator about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this board;
109 to post that this board is not about light bulbs and to please take this thread to the litebulb board;
203 to demand that cross posting to grammar-l, spelling-l and illuminati-l about changing light bulbs be stopped;
111 to defend the posting to this board saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this board;
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty;
27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs;
14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and to post the corrected URL's;
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this board which makes light bulbs relevant to this board;
33 to link all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers and then add "Me too";
12 to post to the board that they are logging off because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy;
19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three";
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ;
44 to ask what is "FAQ";
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago in chat?"
143 to ask "what's chat?"

How the Internet Was Started

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began. And that's the truth.

How to Build a Web Page

(by Bridgett Schneider and Nancy Cole)

Download a piece of Web authoring software. (20 minutes)
Think about what to write on your Web page. (6 weeks)
Download the same Web authoring software, because they have released three new versions since you first time downloaded it. (20 minutes)
Decide to steal some images and awards to put on your site. (1 minute)
Visit sites to find images and awards; find five that you like. (4 days)
Run setup of your Web authoring software. After it fails, download it again. (25 minutes)
Run setup again, boot the software, click all toolbar buttons to see what they do. (15 minutes)
View the source of others' pages. (4 hours)
Preview your Web page using the Web Authoring software. (1 minute)
Try to line up two related images horizontally. (6 hours)
Remove one of the images. (10 seconds)
Set the text's font color to the same color as your background; wonder why all your text is gone. (4 hours)
Download a counter from your ISP. (4 minutes)
Try to figure out why your counter reads "You are visitor number 16.3 E10." (3 hours)
Put four blank lines between two lines of text. (8 hours)
Fine-tune the text, then prepare to load your Web page on your ISP. (40 minutes)
Accidentally delete your complete Web page. (1 second)
Recreate your Web page. (2 days)
Try to figure out how to load your Web page onto your ISP's server. (3 weeks)
Call a friend to find out about FTP. (30 minutes)
Download FTP software. (10 minutes)
Call your friend again. (15 minutes)
Upload your Web page to your ISP's server. (10 minutes)
Connect to your site on the Web. (1 minute)
Repeat any and all of the previous steps. (eternity)