If you are offended by jokes about religion, you won't enjoy this file. Also see Philosophy and Religion.

Quotes

• The Bible looks like it started out as a game of Mad Libs. (Bill Maher)
• Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time. (Dennis Miller)
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.
• A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
• A cult becomes a religion when it stops killing its members and starts killing non-members.
• Dear Lord, I need your arm around my shoulder--and your hand over my mouth.
• Did you hear about the dyslectic Rabbi?
  He walks around saying 'Yo'.
• An existential map has 'you are here' written all over it.
• Existentialism has no future.
• Faith can move mountains, but don't be surprised if God hands you a shovel!
• Forbidden fruit creates many jams.
• Fortune tellers write séance fiction
• Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish. (Timothy Jones)
• He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife. (Douglas Adams)
• How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
• I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. (Sir Winston Churchill)
• I can resist everything but temptation. (Oscar Wilde)
• I didn't believe in reincarnation when I was here before either
• I gotta get my life together. The extreme heat wave this summer made me realize I can’t go to hell.
• I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much. (Mother Teresa)
• I simply haven't the nerve to imagine a being, a force, a cause which keeps the planets revolving in their orbits, and then suddenly stops in order to give me a bicycle with three speeds. (Quentin Crisp)
• I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated His ability. (Oscar Wilde)
• I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding. (Steven Wright)
• If God had been in favor of permissiveness he would have handed Moses ten suggestions.
• If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
• If Jesus was a Jew, how come he had a Puerto Rican name?
• If there is no god, who pops up the next kleenex?
• If you are born again, then do you have two belly buttons?
• If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
• If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
• In the beginning, there was nothing. And God said, "Let there be Light." And there was still nothing. But, you could see it. (Dave Weinstein)
• It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
• It's going to be fun to watch and see how long the meek can keep the earth after they inherit it. (Kin Hubbard)
• It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning. (Bill Watterson)
• Jesus died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them? (Jules Feiffer)
• Jesus Saves -- passes to Moses, shoots, SCORES!
• Kill them all!...Let God sort them out.
• Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself. (Rita Mae Brown)
• Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it. (Sam Levenson)
• The lion will lay down with the lamb--but every morning they'll have to provide a new lamb.
• A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience. (Doug Larson)
• Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory position.
• Nothing makes it easier to resist temptation than a proper bringing-up, a sound set of values--and witnesses. (Franklin P. Jones)
• On the whole human beings want to be good, but not too good and not quite all the time. (George Orwell)
• Opportunity may knock only once, but temptation leans on the doorbell.
• Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. (H.L. Mencken)
• Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. (Napoleon Bonaparte)
• Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get another chance later on. (Bob Talbert)
• Sign on a synagogue: Under same management for 5,765 years.
• There are two things I've learned: There is a God. And, I'm not Him.
• The trouble with born-again Christians is that they are an even bigger pain the second time around. (Herb Caen)
• There is a theory, which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
• Those who flee temptation generally leave a forwarding address. (Lane Olinghouse)
• We look at the ancient Greeks with their gods on a mountain top throwing lightning bolts and say, 'Those ancient Greeks. They were so silly. So primitive and naive. Not like our religions. We have burning bushes talking to people and guys walking on water. We're...sophisticated.' (Paul Provenza)
• What makes resisting temptation difficult for many people is they don't want to discourage it completely. (Franklin P. Jones)
• Where are we going and why am I in this handbasket?

Answer to a Prayer

"Please, God," the man prayed, "you know me. I'm always praying to you, yet I have nothing but bad luck, misery and despair. Look at the butcher next door. He's never prayed in his life, and he has nothing but prosperity, health and joy. How come a believer like me is always in trouble, and he is always doing so well?"
A voice boomed from beyond, "Because the butcher doesn't bug me, that's why!"

A Christian Bear

As an atheist walked alongside a river, he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a huge bear charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him. At that instant the atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice from heaven asked, "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light. "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well," said the Voice. The light went out, and the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful, Amen."

Repenting?

Gregory had worked in a lumberyard for fifteen years. During all that time, he did not go near his church, even once. He was stealing lumber and selling it to pay for good times. At last, his conscience began to bother him. He decided to repent. The next Sunday he went to confession. "Father," he wailed, "I have been away from the sacraments for more than fifteen years. And worse than that, I have been stealing lumber to pay for my follies."
"How much lumber have you stolen, son?" asked the priest.
"I've stolen lumber every day for fifteen years."
"Stolen lumber every day for fifteen years? My son, can you make a novena?"
"If you've got the plans, Father, I've got the lumber!"

A Good Deed

A man tries to enter heaven but there are some criteria to be met before entry is allowed. St. Peter asked several questions. Was he religious in life? Did he attend church? Was he generous? Did he give money to the poor, to charities? Did he do any good deeds? Did he help his neighbor?
The man answered each question, "No".
Exasperated, St. Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Now think!"
The man says, "I came out of a store and found a little old lady surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her, taunting and abusing her. I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought my way through the crowd and got her purse back. I helped her to her feet. Then I went up to the biggest, meanest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then I spit in his face."
"Wow, said St. Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen?"
"Oh, about ten minutes ago"

Dear Lord

So far today, God,
I've done all right.
I haven't gossiped,
haven't lost my temper,
haven't been greedy, grumpy,
nasty, selfish, or over-indulgent.
I'm really glad about that.

But in a few minutes, God,
I'm going to get out of bed,
and from then on, I'm probably
going to need a lot more help.

Fire and Ice

(Robert Frost)

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

Modern Day Prayer

Lord help me to relax about insignificant details beginning tomorrow at 7:41:23 a.m. PST.
God help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of them ARE hypersensitive.
God help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though they're usually NOT my fault.
God, help me to not try to RUN everything. But, if You need some help, please feel free to ASK me!
Lord, help me to be more laid back, and help me to do it EXACTLY right.
God help me to take things more seriously, especially laughter, parties, and dancing.
God give me patience, and I mean right NOW!
Lord help me not be a perfectionist. (Did I spell that correctly?)
God, help me to finish everything I sta
God, help me to keep my mind on one th -- Look, a bird -- ing at a time.
God help me to do only what I can, and trust you for the rest.
And would you mind putting that in writing?
Lord keep me open to others' ideas, WRONG though they may be.
Lord help me be less independent, but let me do it my way.
Lord help me follow established procedures today. On second thought, I'll settle for a few minutes.
Lord, help me slow down and notrushthroughwhatIdo.
Amen.

Speculation About Jesus

There are three good arguments that Jesus was black

1. He called everyone brother
2. He like Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial

There are three good arguments that Jesus was Jewish

1. He went into his father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He thought his mother was a virgin and his mother thought he was God

There are three good arguments that Jesus was Italian

1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with his meals
3. He used olive oil

There are three good arguments that Jesus was a Californian

1. He never cut his hair
2. He went barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion

There are three good arguments that Jesus was a Native American

1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the 'great spirit'

There are three good arguments that Jesus was Irish

1. He never got married
2. He was always telling stories
3. He loved green pastures

There are three better arguments that Jesus was a woman

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do.

Church Signs

• Honk if you love Jesus. Text while drving if you want to meet him soon.
• There are some questions that can't be answered by Google.
• Read the Bible - It's user friendly and we offer tech support here on Sundays at 10 a.m.
• Church Parking - Trespassers will be baptized.
• What is missing from Ch ch? U R
• Aspire to inspire before you expire.
• Where will you be sitting in eternity? Smoking or Non-smoking?

Four Important Religion Facts

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian World.
4. Catholics do not recognize each other at Hooters.

Show and Tell

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was to bring in an object that represented their religion.
The first student stood up and said, "My name is Benjamin. I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."
The second student stood up and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."
The third student stood up and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Methodist and this is a casserole."

The Best Way to Pray

A priest and a minister sat discussing the best positions for prayer.
"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said. "No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven." A telephone repairman working nearby interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

The Twenty and the One

A well-worn one-dollar bill and twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.
The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels. "I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean..."
"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"
"So, tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been?"
The one dollar bill replies, "I've been to the Methodist Church, the Presbyterian church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church..."
The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"

The Dying Man

A priest was preparing a man for his long journey into the night.
Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil."
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"
The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."

Still Looking, Huh?

E-mail from God . . .
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called on an angel and sent her to Earth for a time. When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on Earth, 95 percent is bad and 5 percent is good.
God said this was not good. He decided to E-mail the 5 percent that were good and encourage them. A little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what that E-mail said?

Didn't get one either, huh?

Rules

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.
The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.
"What Happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"We know." said the young man, "We're not welcome at Safeway anymore either."

Mathematics Versus Logic

Two nuns known as Sister Mathematical and Sister Logical went out of the convent to sell cookies.
It was getting dark and they were still far away from the convent.
Sister Logical: "Have you noticed a man has been following us for the past half hour?"
Sister Mathematical: "Yes, I wonder what he wants."
Sister Logical: "It's logical. He wants to rape us."
Sister Mathematical: "Oh, no! At this pace he will reach us in fifteen minutes at most. What can we do? "
Sister Logical: "The only logical thing to do, of course. We have to start walking faster."
Sister Mathematical: "It is not working."
Sister Logical: "Of course it's not. The man did the only logical thing. He also started to walk faster."
Sister Mathematical: "So, what shall we do? At this pace, he will reach us in less than 1 minute."
Sister Logical: "The only logical thing we can do is split up. You go that way and I will go this way. He cannot follow both of us."
The man decided to go after Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because Sister Logical has not arrived yet. Finally, Sister Logical arrives.
Sister Mathematical: "Sister Logical! Thank God you are here. Tell us what happened."
Sister Logical: "The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, so he decided to go after me."
Sister Mathematical: "So, what happened? Please tell us."
Sister Logical: "The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I could. The man also started to run as fast as he could."
Sister Mathematical: "And what else?"
Sister Logical: "The only logical thing to happen. He reached me."
Sister Mathematical: "Oh, no. What did you do then?"
Sister Logical: "The only logical thing to do. I took my dress up."
Sister Mathematical: "Oh, Sister. What did the man do?"
Sister Logical: "The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants."
Sister Mathematical: "Oh, no! What happened then?"
Sister Logical: "Nothing, isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up runs faster than a man with his pants down!"

A Blessing in Disguise

A woman was getting a pie ready to put into the oven when the phone rang. It was the school nurse, her son had come down with a fever and would she come and take him home?
She put the pie in the oven thinking she would get back before it was done.
However her son's condition was worse than she expected so she drove to the clinic as fast as she dared. She nervously waited for the doctor to finish the exam. The doctor told her to take her son home and get him to bed and then pick up a prescription he needed to take.
She was so upset that by the time she got the boy home and in bed and headed out to pick up the prescription she forgot about the pie in the oven.
She got the prescription filled and rushed back to the car . . .
Which was locked with her keys inside.
She ran back into the mall, found a phone and called home. When her son answered, she yelled, "I've locked the keys inside the car!" In a hoarse voice her son whispered, "Get a wire coat hanger, Mom. You can get in with that."
She began searching the mall for a wire coat hanger--which turned but not to be easy because most shops didn't use wire hangers anymore. Eventually she found a shop that had one.
She was relieved as she hurried out of the mall. But when she got to the car she realized she didn't have any idea how to use the hanger to unlock the door.
Then she remembered the pie in the oven. All the frustrations of the past hour collapsed on her and she began crying. Then she prayed, "Dear Lord, my boy is sick and he needs this medicine and my pie is in the oven and the keys are locked in the car and Lord, I don't know what to do with this coat hanger. Dear Lord, send somebody who does know what do with it and I need that person NOW, Lord. Amen."
She was wiping her eyes when a beat-up old car pulled up in front of her. A young man, twentyish-looking, in a T-shirt and ragged jeans, got out. The first thing she noticed about him was the long, stringy hair and beard. When he drew near she held out the wire coat hanger. "Young man," she said, "do you know how to get into a locked car with one of these?"
He gaped at her for a moment, then plucked the hanger from her hand.
"Where's the car?"
A quick look at the door and window, a couple of twists of the coat hanger and just like that, the door was open!
When she saw the door open, she threw her arms around him. "Oh," she said, "the Lord sent you! You're such a good boy. You must be a Christian!"
He stepped back and said, "No ma'am, I'm not a Christian, and I'm not a good boy. I just got out of prison yesterday."
She hugged him again--fiercely. "Praise the Lord!" she cried. "He sent me a professional!"

Dear Dr. Laura

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's law. I have learned a great deal from you, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other specific laws and how to best follow them.

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. How should I deal with this?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as it suggests in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may buy slaves from the nations that are around us. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans but not Canadians. Can you clarify?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 10:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 20:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear prescription glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11 :6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse, and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your faithful servant.