This file includes humor about cats. Also see Cat Poems, Cat Quotes and Page Ideas, Humorous Cat Poems and Pets.

Quotes

• Always the cat remains a little beyond the limits we try to set for him in our blind folly. (Andre Norton)
• Amazing products, cats--and real simple to manufacture.
• And thou shall have dominion over all the beasts, except, of course, for cats!
• Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.
• Are cats really intelligent aliens taking over the earth?
• A burglar broke into the house . . . I put the red dot on his chest and the cat did the rest.
• Buy visiting cards for the cat; she knows a lot more cats than we know people. (Barry Pain)
• Cat bathing is a martial art.
• A cat is perfectly willing to jog...if you are willing to carry him.
• Cat Motto: There's nothing better than a good nap...
  with the possible exception of two good naps.
• CAT (n): 1. Furry keyboard cover 2. Alarm clock
• Cat people are different, to the extent that they generally are not conformists. How could they be, with a cat running their lives? (Louis J. Camuti, DVM)
• A cat wearing bunny ears is ready for the Easter Purrade.
• Cats always know just how you're feeling...they don't care, but they know.
• Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.
• Cats are our last best chance to have a dysfunctional relationship.
• Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia. (Joseph Wood Krutch)
• Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit. (John S. Nichols)
• Cats bring you dead animals because they think you are a useless cat that couldn't survive on its own.
• Cats' hearing apparatus is built to allow the human voice to easily go in one ear and out the other. (Stephen Baker)
• Do well in school and get a good job because the more money you make the more kitten you can buy. And kittens are the root of happiness.
• Don't bother spending a lot of money buying Christmas presents for your cats. First of all their brains are the size of a peanut and they don't even know it's Christmas. Second, if they were bigger they'd eat you.
• Dogs have masters. Cats have assisted living specialists.
• The earth can't be flat because if it was cats would have pushed everything off of it by now.
• Generic cat food is not popular because no cat will admit to being a generic cat.
• The good thing about a dark skirt is that it's the best thing for removing cat hairs from the sofa.
• How many cold and lonely midnights have been warmed by the simple presence of this small being, whose affection pervades our solitude? (Carl van Vechten)
• I don't do mousework.
• I had been told that the training procedure with cats was difficult. It's not. Mine had me trained in two days. (Comedian Bill Dana)
• I replaced my litter box with an Amazon box, now when it’s full I just tape it shut and put it on my porch for someone to steal.
• I'd rather be known as the "crazy cat lady" than a "people person" because I may have lost my mind but I've found my soul.
• Into every life a little cat hair must fall.
• It was difficult to feel vexed by a creature that burst into a chorus of purring as soon as I spoke to him. (Philip Brown)
• It is in the nature of cats to do a certain amount of unescorted roaming...the state of Illinois has enough to do without trying to control feline delinquency. (Adlai Stevenson)
• Kitten: small homicidal muffin on legs; affects human sensibilities to the point of endowing the most wanton and ruthless acts of destruction with near-mythical overtones of cuteness.
• No matter how much cats fight, there always seems to be plenty of kittens. (Abe Lincoln)
• The only self-cleaning thing in this kitchen is the cat!
• Purranoia: the fear that the cats are up to something!
• To bathe a cat takes brute force, perseverance, courage of conviction--and a cat. The last ingredient is usually hardest to come by. (Stephen Baker)
• Wear natural fibers--hug your cat.
• When I die I want catnip planted on my grave. Then all the stray cemetery cats will flock to my grave and rub all over it, and people will think I'm some kind of cat god.
• When my cats aren't happy, I'm not happy. Not because I care about their mood but because I know they're just sitting there thinking up ways to get even. (Penny Ward Moser)
• Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
• You can keep a dog; but it is the cat who keeps people, because cats find humans useful domestic animals. (George Mikes)
• Young kittens assume that all other animals are cats, approach them with jaunty friendliness, and invite them to play. (Muriel Beadle)

Note: These are only the humorous quotes. There are a LOT more quotes about cats in the Cat Quotes and Page Ideas file.

>^,,^< Jokes >^,,^<

• Doctor: "There's no doubt your husband's allergy is caused by your cat."
  Woman: "Oh! No! That's terrible!"
  Doctor: "No need to worry, I'm sure you can find him a good home."
  Woman: "Oh, that won't be necessary, my husband is old enough to take care of himself."
• Jury foreman: "Then we're agreed. If Mrs. Whittle will go along with a 'guilty' verdict, we each agree to adopt one of the defendant's twelve cats and give it a good home."
• A vet hands two bottles to a cat owner and says, "Give him one of these pills every four hours, then use this to stop your bleeding."

All I Need to Know About Birthdays, I Learned From My Cat!

(author unknown)

Be finicky--they'll try harder to please you.
Give attitude--get attention.
If you don't like your presents, SULK.
If you get bored at your party--curl up and take a nap.
Don't stress out over your first gray whisker.
Act completely unimpressed by the presents you receive.
This is your day, so if anyone bugs you, you're allowed to hiss and spit.
Take the day off and lie in the sun.
Stay out on the prowl all night long.
Demand only the most expensive fresh fish for dinner.
It's a good day to shed your inhibitions.
Act catty--toy with your presents before you tear them open.
Don't overdo it with the catnip or you'll regret it in the morning.
If you aren't getting enough attention, sharpen your claws on somebody's leg.
Don't let anything or anyone PUT YOU OUT!

And remember . . . curiosity might kill you, but birthdays won't!

Creation of the Cat

(author unknown)

On the first day of creation,
God created the cat.
On the second day,
God created man to serve the cat.
On the third,
God created all the animals
of the earth to serve as potential
food for the cat.
On the fourth day,
God created honest toil so that man
could labor for the good of the cat.
On the fifth day,
God created the sparkle ball
so that the cat
might or might not play with it.
On the sixth day,
God created veterinary science
to keep the cat healthy
and the man broke.
On the seventh day,
God tried to rest,
but he had to scoop the litterbox.

The Truth about Cats

(author unknown)

1) Cats do what they want.
2) They rarely listen to you.
3) They're totally unpredictable.
4) They whine when they are not happy.
5) When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7) They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8) They're moody.
9) They leave hair everywhere.
10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: They're tiny little women in cheap fur coats.

The Real Question

The question: How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?

The Cat's Answer: Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs.
The real question is: "How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"

Simple Tricks for Cats--or motives for mayhem

(Jon Roe)

Just when I was looking for something to devote the rest of my life to, what should come floating across my desk but a Parents magazine column entitled "Simple Tricks for Cats and Dogs."
The first sentence from authors Jo and Paul Loeb was shocking in its perversity: "Teaching their pets to do a simple trick or two is a great way for children to occupy themselves over Christmas vacation."
What kinds of sadists are putting out Parents magazine these days? Can you imagine a more cruel and inhumane thing to do to a poor little kid than to have him or her spend Christmas vacation trying to teach tricks to a cat?
No jury would convict that kid for doing in the parents on New Year's Day.
You can't teach an old cat new tricks, or a new cat old tricks. You can't teach a cat anything. I don't care what Jo and Paul Loeb say. Nonetheless, they blithely prattle away about training your "dog or cat" as if the two are interchangeable.
For instance, get a load of this:
"Shaking hands is one of the simplest but most sought after tricks. To teach it, first make your pet sit; then . . .
Hold it! First, Jo and Paul, would you tell us how to make a cat sit? Or maybe it would be better to simply begin the lesson whenever we happen upon a sitting cat.
. . . put your hand out as you would when you go to shake hands, and gently push him to one side with your other hand, throwing him slightly off-balance, while at the same time saying, 'Shake hands.' He will automatically lift his paw in order to regain his balance . . .
Wrong! He will automatically lift his paw in order to put a six-inch gash in your hand. Let's move on to the next trick.
Eating out of a can is a great trick for cats. Start off by giving your cat a taste of his favorite food on the outside of the can . . .
Hold it! My cat's favorite food is crabmeat crepes, and they don't come in cans.
. . . where he can easily smell and taste it. Once he licks the food off the outside of it, he'll start associating the food with the can.
Obviously these two have never opened a can of cat food at 6 a.m. while a cat screeches in their ears, or they'd know cats already make that association.
Get a supply of his favorite food in large size cans. Let you cat eat his meal out of a can instead of his feeding bowl. After a few days, try feeding him out of a can that is only half full. With this, he will no longer be able to eat out of it with his mouth. But, since it is mealtime, he will be hungry and will try to get at his food by using his paw.
Wow! What a great trick! Messy, too. Maybe after that, we could train him to kick his kitty litter all over the kitchen floor.
Rolling over is best suited to dogs, but cats can learn it too--it just takes a little more work . . .
Uh-huh. Just a little more work. Your kids will be able to pass it on to their kids and it could become a holiday tradition as each succeeding generation attempted to teach the cat to roll over.

How to give a cat a pill:

(author unknown)

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.
2. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
3. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
4. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
5. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
6. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
7. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.
8. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
9. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
10. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
11. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
12. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
13. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
14. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
15. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
16. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.
17. Arrange for vet to make a house call.

How to Give a Dog a Pill:

1. Wrap it in bacon.