Also see Growing Older, Growing Older - Humor and Adult Birthdays.



My Rememberer

My forgetter's getting better
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke.

For when I'm 'here' I'm wondering
If I really should be 'there'
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!

Often times I walk into a room,
Say "what am I here for?"
I wrack my brain, but all in vain
A zero, is my score.

At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!

When shopping I may see someone,
Say "Hi" and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, "who was that?"

Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.

P.S. Send this to everyone you know . . . because I don't remember who sent it to me!


Just a Wonder

A row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won't stop.
A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot
Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.
The purple pill goes to my brain
And tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze.
The red ones, smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones, very big and bright
Prevent my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to know . . .
Is what tells each one where to go!


Prayer for Senility:

God grant me the senility
to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.


Don't Worry

At age 20 we worry about what others think of us;
At age 40 we don't care what they think of us;
At age 60 we realize that they haven't been thinking of us at all.


I'm Fine, How are You?

There's nothing the matter with me,
I'm just as healthy as can be,
I have arthritis in both knees,
And when I talk, I talk with a wheeze.
My pulse is weak, my blood is thin,
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.

All my teeth have had to come out,
And my diet I hate to think about.
I'm overweight and I can't get thin,
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.

Arch supports I need for my feet.
Or I wouldn't be able to go out in the street.
Sleep is denied me night after night,
But every morning I find I'm all right.
My memory's failing, my head's in a spin.
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.

The moral of this as the tale unfolds,
Is that for you and me, who are growing old.
It is better to say "I'm fine" with a grin,
Than to let people know the shape we are in.

I'm fine, how are you ?


Radio 2

Dean Farnell)

I'm getting old I'm in despair
I've found my first grey pubic hair
I'm fast asleep by half past 10
I'm never gonna see my teens again.

It won't be long until I'm gone
When father time will have won
My pipe and slippers wait for me
It's, bingo, crib and cups of tea.

I'm wearing beige, and a cardigan
The musics hell on radio one
I just think about vapour rubs
Saga magazines, and bowling clubs.

I want to live till I'm 99
Where's it gone, this life of mine
How can it be, that at 43
I think of retirement beside the sea.

The downward spiral has begun
The musics hell on radio one
The only thing, that's left to do
Is to tune my dial to radio two.


My Get Up and Go Has Got Up and Went

How do I know that my youth is all spent?
Well, my get up and go has got up and went,
But in spite of it all I am able to grin.
When I think of the places my get up has been.

Old age is golden, So I've heard said
But sometimes I wonder, as I get into bed.
With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup
And my eyes on the table until I wake up.

Ere sleep dims my eyes I say to myself
"Is there anything else I can put on the shelf?"
And I'm happy to say as I close the door
"My friends are the same, perhaps even more."

When I was a young thing my slippers were red,
I could kick my heels as high as my head.
Then when I was older, my slippers were blue,
But still I could walk the whole day through.

Now I'm still older, my slippers are black.
I walk to the store and puff my way back.
The reason I know my youth is all spent,
My get up and go has got up and went.

But really, I don't mind when I think with a grin,
Of all the grand places my get up has been.
Since I have retired from life's competition
I busy myself with complete repetition.

I get up each morning and dust off my wits,
Pick up the paper and read the 'obits',
If my name is missing I know I'm not dead
So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.


Reality Check

(Elizabeth Van Loan)

I feel young and full of pep,
Rushing hither and yon.
Enjoying every passing day
Seldom woebegone.
Until the daily news proclaims:
"Elderly Woman Hit by Car."
And I am halted in my tracks,
My pleasant world ajar.
Forced to face reality--
That 'elderly' woman is
younger than me!


A Little Mixed Up

Just a line to say to say I'm living,
that I'm not among the dead
Though I'm getting more forgetful,
and mixed up in my head;

I've got used to my arthritis,
To my dentures I'm resigned.
I can manage my bifocals,
But, Oh God, I miss my mind.

For sometimes I don't remember,
At the bottom of the stairs
If I was going up for something,
or if I just came down from there.

And before the fridge so often,
my poor mind is filled with doubt--
Have I put the food away . . .
Or come to take some out?

There are times when it is dark
And my nightcap's on my head
I don't know if I'm retiring,
or just getting out of bed;

So if it's my turn to write you,
There's no need in getting sore,
I may think that I have written
And I don't want to be a bore.

Please remember that I love you,
And I wish that you were here;
But now it's nearly mail time,
So I must say goodbye, my dear.

Now here I stand beside the mailbox,
With my face so very red,
Instead of mailing you my letter,
I have opened it instead!


ABC's of Aging

A is for arthritis,
B is for bad back,
C is for the chest pains. Corned Beef? Cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight--can't read that top line.
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention--
and not to forget other gastrointestinal glitches)
H is high blood pressure
I is for itches, and lots of incisions
J is for joints, that now fail to flex
L is for libido--what happened to sex?
Wait! I forgot about K!
K is for my knees that crack all the time
(But forgive me, I get a few lapses in my
Memory from time to time)
N is for nerve (pinched) and neck (stiff) and neurosis
O is for osteo-for all the bones that crack
P is for prescriptions, that cost a small fortune
Q is for queasiness. Fatal or just the flu?
Give me another pill and I'll be good as new!
R is for reflux--one meal turns into two
S is for sleepless nights,
counting fears on how to pay my medical bills!
T is for tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears
and the word 'terminal' also rings too near
U is for urinary and the difficulties that flow (or not)
V is for vertigo, as life spins by
W is worry, for pains yet unfound
X is for X ray--and what one might find
Y is for year (another one, I'm still alive).
Z is for zest
For surviving the symptoms my body's deployed,
And keeping twenty-six doctors gainfully employed.