• A:\ B:\ C:\ - Alphabet of a new generation.
• A chat has nine lives.
• Click now....repent later!
• A computer geek will spend hours trying to find a way to save two minutes
• Don't byte off more than you can view.
• Everybody gets so much information all day long that they lose their common sense. (Gertrude Stein)
• Few influential people involved with the Internet claim that it is a good in and of itself. It is a powerful tool for solving social problems, just as it is a tool for making money, finding lost relatives, receiving medical advice, or, come to that, trading instructions for making bombs. (Esther Dyson)
• Getting information off the Internet is like taking a drink from a fire hydrant. (Mitchell Kapor)
• Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day;
  teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
• Home is where the computer is plugged in.
• Home is where you hang your @
• I am logged in, therefore I am.
• I had a life once...now I have a computer and a modem.
• I'm just gettin' on for a minute...
• The Internet is a telephone system that's gotten uppity. (Clifford Stoll)
• The Internet is proof that a million monkeys with a million typewriters can't write Hamlet.
• The Internet is so big, so powerful and pointless that for some people it is a complete substitute for life. (Andrew Brown)
• The Internet is the world's largest library. It's just that all the books are on the floor. (John Allen Paulos)
• The Internet treats censorship as a malfunction and routes around it. (John Perry Barlow)
• A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
• A Life? Cool! Where can I download one of those from?
• Looking at the proliferation of personal web pages on the net, it looks like very soon everyone on earth will have 15 Megabytes of fame. (M. G. Siriam)
• The 'Net is a waste of time, and that's exactly what's right about it. (William Gibson)
• Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
• There's no place like http://www.home.com
• Too many clicks spoil the browse.
• The truth is out there? Anyone knows the URL?
• A web-surfer and his leisure time are soon parted.
• What's sort of interesting about the whole public relations disaster that is the Net, in some ways, is that the fundamentals are really good.(Meg Whitman)
• You affect the world by what you browse. (Tim Berners-Lee)

You know you're an Internet Junkie when...

• All of your friends have an @ in their names.
• Not only is your computer in the center of the room, it's set up to allow 'netting from your couch, as well as your desk chair.
• Sleep and nighttime are no longer irrevocably linked.
• When you read a magazine, you have the urge to click on the underlined passages.
• You arrange to get e-mail access no matter where you go.
• You can remember your web address faster than your phone number.
• You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
• You check your web page more than once a day.
• You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
• You decide to stay in college another year, just for the free Internet access.
• You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
• You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
• You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
• You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Internet Explorer 5.0 or higher."
• You get depressed when you get less than 10 e-mails a day.
• You get REALLY excited when people from countries with limited access to the 'net visit your pages.
• You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee.
• You have more e-mail addresses than you do pairs of shoes.
• You know about USENET cultures in groups you don't even read.
• You laugh at people with 56,000-baud modems.
• You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
• You name your children Mozilla and Dotcom.
• You set up an automatic rerouting of your e-mail to your pager.
• You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
• You see a beautiful sunset, and you half-expect to see "Enhanced for Netscape 6.0" on one of the clouds.
• You start getting paranoid that you aren't getting all your e-mail.
• You start introducing yourself as "JohnDoe at CSi dot com."
• You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :-)
• You start using smileys in your snail mail. : )
• You tell a cab driver you live at "http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html".
• You visit "The Really Big Button That Doesn't Do Anything" again and again and again.
• You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
• You write web pages about your web pages.
• You'll spend hours customizing a computer you're computer to the pinnacle of comfort, but you won't spend a few minutes sewing up a skirt.
• Your cat or dog has its own home page.
• Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem...and you succeed.
• Your opening line is: "So, what's your homepage address?"
• Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
• You bought a license plate holders with your URL or E-Mail address embossed on it.
• You're reading this.
• Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else.

Guide to understanding a net addicts day:
Slow day: not much to do so spent three hours on Usenet.
Busy day: managed to work in three hours of Usenet.
Very busy day: barely squeezed in three hours of Usenet.

Password Security Guidelines V2.2b

Due to new security policies, the following guidelines have been issued to assist in choosing new passwords. Please follow them closely. Passwords must conform to at least 21 of the following attributes.

1. Minimum length 12 characters.
2. Not in any dictionary.
3. No word or phrase bearing any connection to the holder.
4. Containing no characters in the ASCII character set.
5. No characters typeable on a Sun type 5 keyboard.
6. No subset of one character or more must have appeared on Usenet news, rand(3), or the King James bible (version 0.1 alpha)
7. Must be quantum theoretically secure, i.e. must automatically change if observed (to protect against net sniffing).
8. Binary representation must not contain any of the sequences 00 01 10 11, commonly known about in hacker circles.
9. Be provably different from all other passwords on the internet.
10. Not be representable in any human language or written script.
11. Color passwords must use a minimum 32 bit palette.
12. Changed prior to every use.
13. Resistant to revelation under threat of physical violence.
14. Contain tissue samples of at least 3 vital organs.
15. Must contain both upper and lower case characters as well as at least 2 numbers.
16. Undecodable by virtue of application of 0-way hash function.
17. Odorless, silent, invisible, tasteless, weightless, shapeless, lacking form and inert.
18. Contain non-linear random S-boxes (without a backdoor).
19. Due to the severity of the restrictions, you must change your password every day.

How many message board posters does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer: 1,343
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed;
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently;
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs;
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs;
53 to flame the spell checkers;
41 to correct spelling/grammar of the flames;
6 to argue over whether it's "light bulb" or "light bulb";
another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive;
156 to write to the site administrator about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this board;
109 to post that this board is not about light bulbs and to please take this thread to the litebulb board;
203 to demand that cross posting to grammar-l, spelling-l and illuminati-l about changing light bulbs be stopped;
111 to defend the posting to this board saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this board;
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty;
27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs;
14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and the post the corrected URL's;
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this board which makes light bulbs relevant to this board;
33 to link all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers and then add "Me too";
12 to post to the board that they are logging off because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy;
19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three";
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ;
44 to ask what is "FAQ";
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago in chat?"
143 to ask "what's chat?"

How to Build a Web Page

(by Bridgett Schneider and Nancy Cole)

1. Download a piece of Web authoring software. (20 minutes)
2. Think about what to write on your Web page. (6 weeks)
3. Download the same Web authoring software, because they have released 3 new versions since you first time downloaded it. (20 minutes)
4. Decide to steal some images and awards to put on your site. (1 minute)
5. Visit sites to find images and awards; find five that you like. (4 days)
6. Run setup of your Web authoring software. After it fails, download it again. (25 minutes)
7. Run setup again, boot the software, click all toolbar buttons to see what they do. (15 minutes)
8. View the source of others' pages. (4 hours)
9. Preview your Web page using the Web Authoring software. (1 minute)
10. Try to line up two related images horizontally. (6 hours)
11. Remove one of the images. (10 seconds)
12. Set the text's font color to the same color as your background; wonder why all your text is gone. (4 hours)
13. Download a counter from your ISP. (4 minutes)
14. Try to figure out why your counter reads "You are visitor number 16.3 E10." (3 hours)
15. Put 4 blank lines between two lines of text. (8 hours)
16. Fine-tune the text, then prepare to load your Web page on your ISP. (40 minutes)
17. Accidentally delete your complete Web page. (1 second)
18. Recreate your Web page. (2 days)
19. Try to figure out how to load your Web page onto your ISP's server. (3 weeks)
20. Call a friend to find out about FTP. (30 minutes)
21. Download FTP software. (10 minutes)
22. Call your friend again. (15 minutes)
23. Upload your Web page to your ISP's server. (10 minutes)
24. Connect to your site on the Web. (1 minute)
25. Repeat any and all of the previous steps. (eternity)