If you don't appreciate humor and satire about serious subjects you should skip this file. I would never minimize the devastating affects of emotional or mental problems. I understand those things very well. But it is important to learn to laugh at our 'peculiarities'. Laughing won't make problems go away but it can make them easier to live with. Our differences makes the world interesting.
This file includes Fear and Neuroses and Psychiatry. Also see Stress and Addiction.
For ideas on including sensitive issues in your scrapbook see Scrapping the Difficult Times.

Quotes

• According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
• According to recent figures, one out of four Americans is mentally disturbed. Think of three close friends...if they are OK, then you're the one!
• Adult child of alien invaders.
• All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.
• All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
• All your problems are caused by invisible people. To eliminate your problems, all you need to do is find them and kill them. (Scott Adams)
• Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
• Always try to do things in chronological order. It's less confusing that way.
• Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
• As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.
• At least in the asylum, they treated me with respect.
• Before you walk a mile in someone's moccasins take off your own first.
• Being depressed is no fun...and believe me, I know; because I had fun once!
• Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
• Boldly going nowhere
• Clairvoyant's meeting canceled due to unforeseen events.
• Clones are people, two
• Codependent With You (song by John Foster)
• DeJaNesia - the feeling that you've forgotten this before
• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
• Do not disturb. Already disturbed!
• Dr. Jeckyll isn't himself today
• Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
• Don't get even...get odd!
• Even if the voices aren't real, they have some good ideas!
• Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
• Every day of our lives we are on the verge of making those slight changes that would make all the difference.
• Every normal person, in fact, is only normal on the average. His ego approximates to that of the psychotic in some part or other and to a greater or lesser extent. (Sigmund Freud)
• Everybody is somebody else's weirdo...
• Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
• The face is familiar but i can't quite remember my name
• 4 out of 5 voices in my head say Go For It!
• Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
• Go, lemmings, go!
• Have an adequate day.
• I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
• I am at one with my duality.
• I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
• I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
• I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
• I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
• I chose the road less traveled - now where the heck am I?
• I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
• I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
• I hate to advocate drugs, violence, or insanity...but they've always worked for me. (Hunter S. Thompson)
• I shouldn't precisely have chosen madness if there had been any choice, but once such a thing has taken hold of you, you can't very well get out of it. (Vincent van Gogh)
• I don't know what your problem is but I bet it's hard to pronounce.
• I have seen the truth and it makes no sense. (G.K. Chesterton)
• I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no personality at all.
• I let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
• I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
• I lost my emotional baggage on my last flight of fantasy.
• I meander to a different drummer.
• I plead contemporary insanity.
• I realize that there are other people who have days stranger than mine. I don't know them. I don't know anyone who knows them. But I'm sure they're out there. Somewhere. (Sarah Hoffman)
• I used to be conceited, but now I'm absolutely perfect.
• I used to be disgusted...now I'm just amused.
• I used to be sane, but I got better.
• I used to get high on life, but I've built up a tolerance.
• I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
• I would rather have delusions than illusions. Delusions are harder for other people to destroy. (Denny)
• I wouldn't be broke if the voices in my head paid rent
• If everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
• If God hadn't wanted me to be paranoid, He wouldn't have given me such a vivid imagination.
• If you want to know more about paranoids, follow them around.
• If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane. (Jimmy Buffett)
• If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you have always got. (Dr. Phil)
• If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
• If you can't dress weird, why dress at all?
• If you're rich, you're eccentric; if you're poor, you're crazy.
• I'll be the in to your sane. (Numan)
• I'm apathetic and I don't care.
• I'm not breaking the rules...I'm just testing their elasticity.
• I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
• I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you that?
• I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
• In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
• Insane people are always sure that they are fine. It is only the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy. (Nora Ephron)
• Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
• Is it Peace or is it Prozac? - (song by Cheryl Wheeler)
• Is it time for your medication or mine?
• It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
• It's good to know that if I behave strangely enough, society will take full responsibility for me. (Ashleigh Brilliant)
• It's hard to think of you as the end result of millions of years of evolution.
• It's you and me against the world...when do we attack?
• Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you!
• Just when you think you've hit bottom, someone tosses you a shovel.
• Know thyself! (But don't tell anyone!)
• Learn to ask for what you want...The worst people can do is not give you what you ask for - which is precisely where you were before you asked. (Peter McWilliams)
• Let's Put the Fun Back in DysFUNctional
• Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
• A man who is "of sound mind" is one who keeps the inner madman under lock and key. (Paul Valéry)
• Mental backup in progress - Do No Disturb!
• Misery is a communicable disease. (Martha Graham)
• My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot. (Ashleigh Brilliant)
• My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
• My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.
• My life isn't like a box of chocolates...it's more like a jar of jalapenos.
• My reality check bounced.
• No drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power. (P. J. O'Rourke)
• No matter where you go or what you do, you live your entire life within the confines of your head. (Terry Josephson)
• Nobody really cares if you're miserable, so you might as well be happy. (Cythina Nelms)
• Normal is not something to aspire to, it's something to get away from. (Jodie Foster)
• Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
• Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
• Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies two to one.
• Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one. (Albert Einstein)
• Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away. (Philip K. Dick)
• Reality leaves a lot to the imagination. (John Lennon)
• Sanity is a madness put to good uses. (George Santayana)
• Sanity is the playground for the unimaginative!
• Schizophrenia beats being alone
• So it's not home sweet home...adjust!
• Some mornings, it's just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps. (Emo Philips)
• Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness
• There are only 2,000 real people in the world; the rest are bad special effects.
• There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them. (Werner Heisenberg)
• There are very few personal problems that can't be solved by the suitable application of high explosives.
• There are whole years for which I hope I'll never be cross-examined, for I could not give an alibi.
• Things I need to do today: Breathe in. Breathe out.
• This would be really funny if it weren't happening to me
• Today is the last day of your life, so far.
• Truly great madness cannot be achieved without significant intelligence. (Henrik Tikkanen)
• Warning: This person reads fantasy and is an avid denier of reality.
• Was today really necessary?
• We do not have to visit a madhouse to find disordered minds; our planet is the mental institution of the universe. (Johann von Goethe)
• What am I, a Weirdness Magnet?
• What most fundamentally characterizes the well-adjusted, or highly sane person is not chiefly the particular habits or attitudes that he holds, but rather the deftness with which he modifies them in response to changing circumstances. (Wendell Johnson)
• What's the point of being fascinatingly crazy if you don't enrich the world with it?
• When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
• When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Usually, that individual is crazy.
• When you are unhappy, is there anything more maddening than to be told that you should be contented with your lot? (Kathleen Norris)
• When you live in the shadow of insanity, the appearance of another mind that thinks and acts as yours does is something close to a blessed event. (Robert M. Pirsig)
• Why be difficult when with a bit of effort you can be impossible?
• Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
• You are brave, intelligent, brilliant, attractive...and gullible.
• You shouldn't compare yourself to others; they are more messed up than you think.
• You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
• You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it. (Robin Williams)

Myers-Briggs Types prayers

• INTJ - Lord, keep me open to others' ideas. Wrong though they may be.
• ISTJ - Lord, help me relax about insignificant details, beginning tomorrow at 11:41 a.m. e.s.t.
• ISTP - God, help me consider other peoples' feelings, even if most of them ARE hypersensitive.
• ESTP - Good, help me take responsibility for my own actions, even though they're usually NOT my fault.
• ESTJ - God, help me not try to run everything. But, if you need some help, just ask.
• ISFJ - Lover, help me to be more laid back and help me do it exactly right.
• ISFP - Lord, help me to stand up for my rights - if you don't mind my asking.
• ESFP - God, help me take things more seriously, especially parties and dancing.
• ESFJ - God, give me patience, and I mean RIGHT NOW.
• INFJ - Lord, help me not be a perfectionist (did I spell that correctly?).
• INFP - God, help me finish everything I sta
• ENFP - God, help me keep my mind on one th -- Look, a bird -- ing at a time.
• ENFJ - God, help me to do only what I can and trust you to do the rest. And do you mind putting that in writing?
• INTP - Lord, help me be less independent, but let me do it my way.
• ENTP - Lord, help me follow established procedures today. On second thought, I'll settle for a few minutes.
• ENTJ - Lord, help me slow downandnotrushthroughwhatIdo.

10 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity

1. Sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in."
4. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
5. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
6. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
7. Sing along at the opera.
8. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
9. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"
10. Tell your children, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

Songs about Emotional Health

• 19th Nervous Breakdown - Rolling Stones (1966)
• Am I Going Crazy or Just Out of My Mind? - Lobo (1985)
• Amnesia - Blue October (2000)
• Angels of Madness - The Doobie Brothers (2000)
• Basket Case - Green Day (1994)
• Bats in My Belfry - Napoleon XIV (1966)
• Bewildered - James Brown (1961)
• Bewildered and Blue - Jimmy James (1959)
• Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered - Chris Connor (1952)
• Brainwashed - The Kinks (1969)
• Brainwasher - Junior Walker and the All Stars (1963)
• Brink of Insanity - Venus Mission (2006)
• Broken, Busted, Battered, Beaten and Bewildered - Joe Poovey (1966)
• Child Psychology - Homer and Jethro (1952)
• Claustrophobia - The Bee Gees (1964)
• Crazy - Kenny Rogers (1985)
• Crazy Ex-Girlfriend - Miranda Lambert (2006)
• Crazy Eyes - Johnny Dollar (1966)
• Crazy Girl - Crazy Otto (1963)
• Crazy Me - Arthur Gunter (1958)
• Crazy Me, Foolish You - Ernie Ashworth (1965)
• Crazy Mixed-up Kid - Tommy Duncan and His Band (1956)
• Dear Jean, I'm Nervous - City Boy (1977)
• Go Insane - Lindsey Buckingham (1984)
• Gone Crazy - Alan Jackson (1999)
• Hallucinations - The George Shearing Quintet (1958)
• Honeysuckle Madness - Davin James and His Band (2006)
• How Far is Crazy From Here? - John Bunzow (2000)
• I Gotta Mind to Go Crazy - Les Taylor (1991)
• I Guess I'm Crazy - Mavis Staples (1989)
• I Live in a Split-Level Head - Napoleon XIV (1966)
• I'll Go Crazy - Andy Griggs (1999)
• Id, The - The Invaders (1965)
• If I Keep on Going Crazy - Leon Everette (1981)
• If it Weren't for Country Music I'd Go Crazy - C. Gregory (1991)
• In a Moment of Madness - The Flower Pot Men (1969)
• Insanity - Mike Hartman (1999)
• Lunatic Waltz - Jay Migliori (1996)
• Love Her Madly - The Doors (1971)
• Love Leads to Madness - Nazareth (1982)
• Mi Vida Loca (My Crazy Life) - Pam Tillis (1995)
• Middle-Age Crazy - Jerry Lee Lewis (1977)
• Must Be Crazy - Andrew Gold (1977)
• N-N-Nervous - Bluesville (1965)
• Needles and Pins - The Searchers (1964)
• Nervous about Sally - The Passions (1958)
• Nervous Breakdown - Brad Paisley (1999)
• Normal's Just a Setting on the Washing Machine - Bernice Lewis (2001)
• Nuts on My Family Tree, The - Napoleon XIV (1966)
• Nutty - Billy Wayne (2008)
• Nutty Lady of Shady Lane, The - Homer and Jethro (1955)
• Papa's Going Crazy, Mama's Going Mad - The Atchers (1940)
• Psycho - Bobby Hendricks (1960)
• Psychoanalysis - Arthur Smith and His Crackerjacks (1969)
• Psychotic Reaction - Michael Powers (2004)
• Quietly Crazy - Ed Bruce (1986)
• Rehearsin' for a Nervous Breakdown - Echoes of Swing (2008)
• Same Kind of Crazy, The - Del McCoury Band (2003)
• Sanity Inspector - The Spencer Davis Group (1967)
• Scatterbrain - The Ray Anthony Orchestra (1952)
• Should I Go Home or Should I Go Crazy? - Gene Watson (1979)
• Some Kind of Nut - Danny and the Juniors (1961)
• Squirrley Shirley - Joaquin Murphey (1999)
• Sweet Madness - Joyce Collins (1990)
• Temporary Insanity - Krista (2008)
• There's a Screw Loose - Ronnie Hawkins (1963)
• These Crazy Thoughts Run Through My Mind - Warner Mack (1977)
• They're Coming to Take Me Away - Napoleon XIV (1966)
• Too Lazy to Work, Too Nervous to Steal - BR5-49 (2001)
• West of Crazy - Lisa Brokop (1996)
• Who are the Brain Police? - The Mothers of Invention (1966)
• You Could Drive a Person Crazy - Bernadette Peters (1999)
• You Go Your Way and I'll Go Crazy - Ketty Lester (1964)
• You're Driving Me Crazy - Crazy Otto (1963)

Songs about Obsession

• Beautiful Obsession - Percy Faith Orchestra (1973)
• Beyond Obsession - Bob Smithson (2002)
• Magnificent Obsession - Tarey Wolf (2002)
• Midnight Obsession - Booker T. Wiggins, Jr. (2004)
• Obsession - Eighteen Visions (2007)
• Possession Obsession - Hall and Oates (1985)
• Secret Obsession - Bob McCarroll (2003)
• Self-Obsession is an Art Form - Subliminal Girls (2008)
• Sense and Obsession - Lars Eric Mattsson (2001)
• Wild Obsession - Eric Decks (2007)

Fears and Neuroses

• All of me is beautiful, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts.
• As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
• Camouflage is a game we all like to play, but our secrets are as surely revealed by what we want to seem to be as by what we want to conceal. (Russell Lynes)
• Change is good as long as I don't have to do anything differently.
• Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
• Coincidence is just an euphemism for conspiracy.
• The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
• Did you ever wonder if the person in the puddle is real, and you're just a reflection of him? (Calvin and Hobbes)
• Even your worst enemy can't wish you what you think up for yourself.
• Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
• Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows.
• Everything great that we know has come from neurotics...never will the world be aware of how much it owes to them, nor above all what they have suffered in order to bestow their gifts on it. (Marcel Proust)
• Feelings are not supposed to be logical. Dangerous is the man who has rationalized his emotions. (David Borenstein)
• Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.
• I don't have to take this abuse from you...I've got hundreds of people waiting to abuse me.
• I don't necessarily want to be happy; I just want to stop feeling miserable.
• I feel like a fugitive from the law of averages. (William H. Mauldin)
• I got a self-help tapes called "How to Handle Disappointment." I got it home and the box was empty. (Jonathon Droll)
• I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
• I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
• I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.
• I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
• I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
• If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?"
• I'm flexible as long as you don't change anything.
• I'm going to be more assertive....if that's OK with you.
• I'm not afraid of the dark...it's the stuff in the dark that I'm scared of!
• I'm not anti-social I'm just not user friendly.
• In a real dark night of the soul, it is always three o'clock in the morning, day after day. (F. Scott Fitzgerald)
• Indecision is the key to flexibility.
• Lethargy in Motion
• Look out behind you - the lemmings are gaining!
• My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
• Masquerading as a normal person day after day is exhausting!
• My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips
• A neurosis is a secret that you don't know you are keeping. (Kenneth Tynan)
• The neurotic circles ceaselessly above a fogged-in airport.
• The neurotic rule - when in doubt, go ahead and feel humiliated.
• The neurotic would like to trust his analyst - if only because he's paying him so much money. But he can't - because if the analyst really cared, he'd be doing it for nothing.
• Neurotics love being in debt; it proves that someone trusts them.
• No good neurotic finds it difficult to be both opinionated and indecisive.
• Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal. (Albert Camus)
• Of course I'm out of my mind, it's dark and scary in there!
• Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
• People who do not understand themselves have a craving for understanding. (Wilhelm Stekel)
• Psychotics build castles in the air, neurotics live in them, and psychologists collect the rent.
• Psychiatrist to patient: "Would you mind hanging around awhile afterward? My next patient has an inferiority complex, and I'd like him to have a look at you!"
• Somehow I have to believe that I'm worth all the aggravation I cause myself.
• There is a difference between a psychopath and a neurotic.
  A psychopath thinks 2 and 2 are five.
  A neurotic knows 2 and 2 are four, but he worries about it.
• To him who is in fear everything rustles. (Sophocles)
• We all spend our lives in solitary confinement, but the neurotic believes he's the only one.
• When one is a stranger to oneself then one is a stranger to others too. (Anne Morrow Lindbergh)
• When we bury feelings we also bury ourselves...It's like awarding someone sole custody of your happiness without even asking for visitation rights. (Sarah Ban Breathnach)
• You never find yourself until you face the truth. (Pearl Bailey)

FEAR
F alse
E vidence
A ppearing
R eal.

Psychiatry

• The aim of psychoanalysis is to relieve people of their neurotic unhappiness so that they can be normally unhappy. (Sigmund Freud)
• Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined. (Samuel Goldwyn)
• Men will always be mad, and those who think they can cure them are the maddest of all.(Voltaire)
• Psychoanalysis: Confession without absolution. (G.K. Chesterton)
• Psychoanalysis makes quite simple people feel they're complex. (S.N. Behrman)
• A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.
• Psychiatrists classify a person as neurotic if he suffers from his problems in living, and as psychotic if he makes others suffer. (Thomas Szasz)
• Psychiatry is the care of the Id by the odd.
• Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is free!
• There's nothing wrong with the average person that a good psychiatrist can't exaggerate.
• The neurotic would like to trust his analyst - if only because he's paying him so much money. But he can't - because if the analyst really cared, he'd be doing it for nothing.
• A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the man who lives in it. A psychiatrist is the man who collects the rent. (Jerome Lawrence)
• Psychiatrist to patient: "Would you mind hanging around awhile afterward? My next patient has an inferiority complex, and I'd like him to have a look at you!"

Bathtub Test

A visitor at a mental institution asked the Director what criteria defines whether a patient needs to be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtub."
Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket since it is larger than the teacup or spoon."
"No," answered the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug."

So how did you do?

Psychiatric Hotline

(Barbara Johnson)

Hello, welcome to Psychiatric Hotline.

• If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
• If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
• If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, and 5.
• If you are paranoid, don't do anything. We know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace the call.
• If you are delusional, press 6 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
• If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
• If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will reply, and nothing will really ever change anyway.
• If you have an Oedipus complex, have your mother press 7.
• If you have attention deficit disorder, we can't help you because you have probably already hung up by now.
• If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.
• If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
• If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
• If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
• If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
• If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
• If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
• If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.