War and Military Service are not funny subjects--however, there are things you have to laugh about to keep from crying. Also see Military, Political Humor, and Peace.

• An apostle of conciliation once asked the late French statesman Georges Clememceau whether his hatred of the Germans was based on knowledge. "Have you ever been to Germany?" he inquired.
  "No, monsieur," replied the Tiger, "I have not been to Germany. But twice in my lifetime the Germans have been to France."
• An army's weapons are made by the lowest bidder.
• Ban the bomb...Save the world for conventional warfare.
• Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except the Boy Scouts have adult supervision. (Blake Clark)
• DON'T BUILD MORE NUKES...until we've used the ones we have.
• During his toughening-up period in the Marines, my son's friend Joe asked permission to phone his mother long distance. "What the blankety-blank are you," the CO barked, "a sissy??
  "No, sir," he replied. "But my mom is."  (Reader's Digest)
• If the Army wanted you to have a wife, they would have issued you one.
• In Washington, D.C., Dr. C.L. Spencer, scheduled to make a speech in Louisville, lost his plane seat to a Colonel with priority. Dr. Spencer canceled his talk, flew home to Boston, then learned that the Colonel had flown to Louisville just to hear him talk.  (Reader's Digest)
• The military don't start wars. Politicians start wars. (William Westmoreland)
• The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his. (General George S. Patton)
• Peace through superior firepower.
• Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
• War is God's way of teaching us geography. (Paul Rodriguez)

The Wrong Thing

The Euro-Train was quite crowded. The U.S. Marine walked its entire length looking for a seat, only to find that the last seat left was taken by a well-dressed middle-aged French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
The Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"
An Englishman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window!" (George Clute)

Peace Activist Etiquette

With all of this talk of impending war, many of us will encounter "Peace Activists" who will try and convince us that we must refrain from retaliating against the ones who terrorized us all on September 11, 2001, and those who support terror.
These activists may be alone or in a gathering and most of us don't know how to react to them. When you come upon one of these people, or one of their rallies, here are the proper rules of etiquette:

1. Listen politely while this person explains their views. Strike up a conversation if necessary and look very interested in their ideas. They will tell you how revenge is immoral, and that by attacking the people who did this to us, we will only bring on more violence. They will probably use many arguments, ranging from political to religious to humanitarian.
2. In the middle of their remarks, without any warning, punch them in the nose.
3. When the person gets up off of the ground, they will be very angry and they may try to hit you, so be careful.
4. Quickly and calmly remind the person that violence only brings about more violence and remind them of their stand on this matter. Tell them if they are really committed to a nonviolent approach to undeserved attacks, they will turn the other cheek and negotiate a solution. Tell them they must lead by example if they really believe what they are saying.
5. Most of them will think for a moment and then agree that you are correct.
6. As soon as they do that, hit them again. Only this time hit them harder. Square in the nose.
7. Repeat steps 2-5 until the desired results are obtained and the idiot realizes how stupid of an argument he/she is making.
8. There is no difference in an individual attacking an unsuspecting victim or a group of terrorists attacking a nation of people. It is unacceptable and must be dealt with. Perhaps at a high cost.

We owe our military a huge debt for what they are about to do for us and our children. We must support them and our leaders at times like these. We have no choice. We either strike back, VERY HARD, or we will keep getting hit in the nose.

Military Language

The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don't speak the same language. For instance, Take the simple phrase "secure the building".
The Army will post guards around the place.
The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters.
The Air Force will take out a 5-year lease with an option to buy.

Rules of Combat

• Anything you do can get you shot. Including doing nothing.
• The best defense is to stay out of range.
• Close only counts in horseshoes, nukes and proximity-fused missiles.
• Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you.
• Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
• The easy way is always mined.
• The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions:
  When you're not ready for them.
  When you're ready for them.
• Five second fuses only last three seconds.
• If hit, landing near the people that just shot you down is not a good idea.
• If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
• If the enemy is in range, so are you.
• If you are short on everything but enemy, you are in combat.
• If you aren't sure, the claymore or SAMs is pointed at you.
• If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
• Incoming fire has the right of way.
• It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.
• Keep in mind that your aircraft was made by the lowest bidder.
• Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.
• Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
• Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.
• No combat-ready unit ever passed inspection.
• No inspection-ready unit ever passed combat.
• Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
• The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.
• Smart bombs have bad days too.
• Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
• Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
• When in doubt empty the magazine.
• When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
• You are not Tom Cruise.