Also see Vehicles, Travel, Car Racing and Biking.
- After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch. (Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair)
- After all, what is a pedestrian? He is a man who has two cars--one being driven by his wife, the other by one of his children.
- Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves. (Albert Einstein)
- Auto dealer to buyer: "And if it gives you any trouble...don't hesitate to call Tokyo!"
- The best safety device in a car is a rear-view mirror with a policeman in it.
- (Bumper Sticker spotted on Cape Cod): If It's Called Tourist Season, Why Can't We Hunt Them?
- Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due.
- Cars are built for speed, and highways are built for speed.
What is not built for speed is the human body. (Newsweek 1976)
- Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
- Drive-in banks were established so that cars could see their real owners.
- The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the prices of a new car.
- Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers.
- Everything in life is somewhere else...and you get there in a car. (E. B. White)
- Fool other drivers into thinking you have a cell phone by holding an old TV remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and onto the curb.
- Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
- He who hesitates is not only lost but several miles from the next freeway exit.
- How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?
- I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
- I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather,
not screaming and terrified, like his passengers.
- If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
- If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend.
- If the front of your cars says 'Dodge', do you really need a horn?
- Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
- It takes 8,460 bolts to assemble an automobile, but only one nut to scatter it all over the road.
- It's time for a new car if you can leave your car parked, unlocked, with the keys in the ignition, and not worry about it being stolen.
- It's time for a new car when the 8-track tape deck finally eats your last tape.
- It's time for a new car when you double the value of your car every time you fill the tank.
- It's time for a new car when you have the local tow company on speed-dial.
- The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
- Lady driver to police officer: "That's silly, how could I have been doing 60 miles per hour? I've only been driving ten minutes."
- My low-fuel light was on, so I stopped and got $10 worth of gas. Unfortunately, my low-fuel light was still on.
- Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to modern people who blow horns to break up traffic jams.
- Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.
- The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe we are above average drivers.
- Payments are the only thing certain to last the life of your car.
- A pedestrian is someone who thought there were a couple of gallons left in the tank.
- A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.
Yesterday you took my license away and today you expect me to show it to you!"
- The shortest distance between two points has a bridge out.
- Sign outside an auto body shop: May we have the next dents?
- Sign outside a Chicago radiator shop: Best place in town to take a leak.
- Sign outside a muffler shop: No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.
- Sign outside a repair shop: If I couldn't repair your brakes, I will make your horn louder.
- Some people just don't know how to drive. I call these people, "Everybody But Me".
- Someday we'll look back on all this and while we're looking, we'll plow into a parked car.
- A tree never hits an automobile except in self defense.
- A truck driver didn't notice the 'low bridge ahead' sign and gets stuck under the bridge. Eventually a police officer arrives. He says to the truck driver, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
- Used car salesmen are not in it for the money. They just like lying to strangers. (Scott Adams)
- When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. (Prince Philip)
- When buying a used car, punch the buttons on the radio. If all the stations are rock and roll, there's a good chance the transmission is shot. (Larry Lujack)
- When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?
- Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
- Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
- Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
- A woman was driving below the speed limit on the interstate when a highway patrolman pulled her over. "Do you know why I stopped you, ma'am?" asked the officer.
"Sure do," sniffed the woman. "I was the only one you could catch."
- You might need a new car if while waiting at a stop-light, people run up asking if anyone was hurt.
- Back off! I'm not that kind of car.
- Beat rush hour, leave work at noon.
- Caution: Driver Legally Blonde!
- Caution: I drive like you do.
- come the rapture can I have your car?
- Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes
- Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
- Drive carefully, we need every taxpayer we can get.
- Driver carries no cash. He's married.
- Excuse me for driving so closely in front of you.
- Forget about World Peace...visualize using your turn signal.
- Hang up and drive!
- Hello, officer. Put it on my tab.
- Hit me, I need the money!
- Honk If Anything Falls Off
- Honk if you like peace and quiet.
- Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window.
- Horn Broke, Watch for Finger
- I brake for no apparent reason.
- I Brake Suddenly for Tailgaters
- I chose the road less traveled--now where the heck am I?
- I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
- I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
- I have good brakes, do you have GOOD insurance?
- I respect your opinion. I just don't want to hear it!
- If this car is being driven courteously it's been stolen.
- If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you.
- If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
- If you don't like my driving, get off the sidewalk.
- If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
- I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
- Keep Honking...I'm Reloading
- Learn from your parents' mistakes. Use birth control!
- My insurance cost more than my car!
- My kids drive me crazy. I drive them everywhere else.
- My Other Car is a Broom
- A real gentleman wouldn't stare at my stickers.
- Remember: Stop Lights timed for 35 MPH are also timed for 70 MPH.
- The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
- Some people burn rubber--I burn oil.
- Still playing with cars, after all these years!
- Stupidity is NOT a HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!
- There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
- Think "HONK" if You're Telepathic
- Welcome to America...now speak English...
- With my good looks, I can stop traffic.
- Yes, this is my truck...No, I won't help you move
- Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.
How to Identify Where a Driver is From...
- One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO
- One hand on wheel, one finger out window: NY
- One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON
- One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: CA
- One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, with gun in lap: L.A.
- Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror:
OH, but driving in CA.
- Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: ITALY
- One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: SEATTLE
- One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: TX CITY MALE
- One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70 MPH, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: TX COUNTRY MALE
- One hand constantly refocusing the rearview mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rattail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: TX FEMALE
- Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: WV
- Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 15 MPH on the state highway and city streets in the left lane with the left blinker on: ALTUS, OK
The Truth About Car Ads
- MUST SELL
...before it blows up.
- NEEDS SOME BODY WORK
...was blindsided by a Winnebego.
- LOOKS LIKE NEW
...just don't try to drive it anywhere.
- ALL ORIGINAL
...I never had anything fixed, adjusted, or replaced.
- LOADED WITH OPTIONS
...each one more troublesome than the next.
- NEVER SMOKED IN
...unfortunately, that's the best thing I can say about it.
- PROJECT CAR
- LOTS OF POTENTIAL
- NEEDS MINOR REPAIR
Car Names Explained
- Audi - Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
(or) Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
(or) All Unnecessary Devices Installed
- BMW - Big Money Works
(or) Bought My Wife
(or) Brutal Money Waster
- Buick - Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
- Chevrolet - Cheap Heap, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time
(or) Condition Hopeless, Entire Vehicle Relies On Leftover Engine Technology
(or) Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
(or) Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
- Dodge - Dead or Dying Gas Eater
(or) Dear Old Dad's Geriatric Express
(or) Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
- Fiat - Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
(or) Fix It All the Time
- Ford - First On Race Day
(or) Fast Only Rolling Downhill
(or) First On Rust and Deterioration
(or) Fix Or Repair Daily
- GM - General Maintenance; Great Mistake
- GMC - Got a Mechanic Coming?
- Garage Man's Companion
- Honda - Had One Never Did Again
(or) Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else
- Hyundai - Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable and Inexpensive
- Mazda - Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
- Oldsmobile - Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment
(or) Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday
- Pinto - Put In New Transmission Often
- Pontiac - Poor Old Neanderthal Thinks It's A Cadillac
- Saab - Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown
(or) Send Another Automobile Back
- Toyota - Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
- Volvo - Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
(or) Vehicles Of Low Velocity Owners
- VW - Virtually Worthless
I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car gave me a startled look. "I don't know about you, lady," he said incredulously. "But I usually just put my car in park."
One night a big snowstorm hit. The next morning, as my wife was pulling out of the driveway, her car slid into a ditch. The local garage sent a tow truck, and she was soon on her way.
Later that day, my wife got stuck again. The same tow truck rescued her. One the way home, she went off the road again. Out came the tow truck--for the third time.
When the phone rang late that night, I answered it. "It's the garage man," I called to my wife. "He wants to know if it's all right to put the tow truck away."
The Truth Hurts
A man, seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear view mirror, pulls to the side of the road. A police officer approaches the car.
The man says, "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you.
Man: No sir, I was going a little over 60.
Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80! (The man gives wife dirty look.)
Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken taillight.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken taillight!
Wife: Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks! (The man gives his wife another a dirty look.)
Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt!
The Man turns to his wife and yells, "For cryin' out loud, can't you just shut up?!"
The officer asks, "Ma'am, Does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife: "No officer, Only when he's drunk."
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. He was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Since she was oblivious to his lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "SCARF!"
Policeman: "When I saw you coming around the corner, I said to myself, `fifty-five at least'."
Woman driver: "Well, you are a long way off! It's this hat that makes me look so old!"
As a man was driving down the road he passed a traffic camera and saw it flash. Astounded that he had been caught speeding when he was doing the speed limit, he turned around and, going even slower, he passed by the camera. Again, he saw it flash.
He couldn't believe it so he turned and, going at a snail's pace, he passed the camera again. AGAIN, he saw the camera flash. He guessed it must be faulty, and home he went.
A few weeks later he received three traffic fines in the mail, all for not wearing a seat belt.
What Would Jesus Drive?
Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?" But the initials really stand for "What would Jesus drive?"
One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because the Bible says "God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury."
But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm."
Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast."
Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord."
Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring, "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills."
Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land."
And, following the Master's lead, the Apostles car-pooled in a Honda: "The Apostles were in one Accord."
Driving to Work
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and flipped the woman off. "Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself.
I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why: I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 96 miles each day. Of these, sixteen miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an eight-lane highway so if you just look at the seven lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every forty feet per lane.
That's seven cars every forty feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.
Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000. In any given group of females, one in twenty-eight has PMS. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70 percent describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449. According to the National Institute of Health, 22 percent of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34 percent describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association 5 percent of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed. Flip one off?
I think not.
(written by a very smart man)
A friend of mine (also a very smart man) pointed out some flaws in the above story:
" . . . when you are in bumper to bumper traffic, you do not pass a new car every forty feet. Most of the time the same cars stay together. One lane will move up then another lane and so on . . . Cars that switch lanes all the time do not do much better . . . the original assumption is not valid and that pretty much voids the rest of the calculations."
But I still think it's funny ;-)