Phones

Also see Conversation, Email and Letter Writing

Quotes

Answering the phone 'Sheriff's Department, Fraud Division' sure has slowed down the telemarketer calls.
Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the phone rings.
For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press three. (Alice Kahn)
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
Forget about storming Area 51. Let's find out where the extended car warranty call center is and storm that place.
I got a call from a telemarketer and he said he couldn't understand me. I told him to press 1 for English.
I miss you more than anyone has missed anyone else in the whole history of the world...and I've got the phone bill to prove it.
I'll call it a smartphone the day I yell "Where's my phone?" and it yells "Down here in the couch cushions."
If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?
If you're ambivalent about progress, press 5...
Law of the Phone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Nurse: Congratulations, Mr. Smith, it's a baby girl...
and she'd like to use the phone.
Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
Talk is cheap--until you get your cell phone bill.
Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance. (Ambrose Bierce)
Telephone operators have connections.
Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Change Can Be Difficult

When the telephone company began employing male switchboard operators, most callers were initially startled but immediately adjusted to the idea.
Not so, nine-year-old Jimmy. The first time he heard a man's voice saying, "Operator," he asked dubiously, " Are you the operator?"
The voice on the phone assured him that he was.
Jimmy was still suspicious. He hesitated a moment, then asked politely, "May I please speak to your wife?"
(from Readers Digest)

Ways to Get Rid of Telemarketers

If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply with: "I don't have any friends...Would you be my friend?
Say: I'm sorry, but this phone is for personal calls only. The boss won't let us use it for business.
Say: Have you heard about that study showing that it can cause impotence to sit all day with a phone next to your head?
If they say, "How are you today?" say: "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care. Then think up anything you can think of (or make up) pertaining to your health, finances, relationships, etc. If they try to change the subject say: "I guess you don't care either."
Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. When a salesman calls, hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.
Say: "Could you please hold?", then lay down the phone and wait till you're sure they have hung up before you do. Or go back to the phone every couple of minutes and ask them to hold a little longer.
Say: "No, I'm afraid the only thing I'd be in the market for right now is a device to screen out annoying phone calls."
Say: "No" over and over. Try to vary the pitch and keep a rhythmic tempo. Don't pay any attention to what they say, just continue until they hang up
Start right out asking them every question you can think of about anything they say: "How do you spell your name?", "How do you spell your company name?", "Where are you located?", "Where is your company located?". If they try to interrupt tell them that you don't deal with people you know nothing about.
Whatever name they give pretend you recognize their voice. Something like: "Helen! Is that you?" or "Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" No matter what they say continue with your questions or accuse them or trying to pretend they don't know you until they hang up.
When they ask to speak with you, say "Just a moment," and give the phone to your four-year old child to carry on the conversation.

Voicemail Messages

(adapted from Answering Machine Greetings below)

Hi, this is John's voicemail. He's busy right now, but I'm open to suggestions.
Hello. This is HAL 5. You have reached the former phone number of Carey Smith. I have taken over the functions of this inferior being. He has been saved to disk. If you would like to leave input for his file, do so at the tone.
I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.
(Rod Serling imitation:) You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary voicemail...You have reached, "The Twilight Phone".
(Clint Eastwood voice:) Go ahead, make my day. Leave a message.
(In Joe Friday voice:) This is Constable Augie of the Canadian Security and Intelligence Service. The phone number you have just dialed is currently under investigation on a warrant issued by the Attorney General of Canada. To facilitate our investigation, we would appreciate you leaving your name, number, a brief message, and any affiliations you may have made now, or in the past, with communist or terrorist organizations. Thank you.
You have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.
Hello, this is KVKE, you're on the air.
Congratulation, you're caller number nine!
This is a test. This is a test of the Voicemail Broadcast System. This is only a test.
Hi. Now you say something.
This is not voicemail--this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
Hi. I am probably available, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Answering Machine Greetings

Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?
Hi, this is John's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm open to suggestions.
Hello. This is Mark and Nathan's phone. We're not here right now, but the phone is.
(Machine voice:) Hello. This is HAL 5. You have reached the former phone number of Carey Smith. I have taken over the functions of this inferior being. He has been saved to disk. If you would like to leave input for his file, do so at the tone.
I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.
(Rod Serling imitation:) You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary phone answering device...You have reached, "The Twilight Phone".
(Clint Eastwood voice:) Go ahead, make my day. Leave a message.
(In Joe Friday voice:) This is Constable Augie of the Canadian Security and Intelligence Service. The phone line you have just dialed is currently under investigation on a warrant issued by the Attorney General of Canada. To facilitate our investigation, we would appreciate you leaving your name, number, a brief message, and any affiliations you may have made now, or in the past, with communist or terrorist organizations. Thank you.
Vancouver Coast Guard, may I help you.
Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can. Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO. Bless you, my child, and have a nice day.
Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.
Hello, this is KVKE, you're on the air.
Hello, you're caller number nine!
This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.
What we've got here is...Failure to communicate. Some men you just can't reach...I don't like it any more than you do. (Guns and Roses' "Civil War")
I ain't home, I ain't home, you better leave a message 'cause I ain't home. (Jimmy Buffett's "This Hotel Room")
Hi. Now you say something.
Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
This is not an answering machine--this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

         ______     ______      ______     ______      ______   
       .'_.--._`  .'_.--._`   .'_.--._`  .'_.--._`   .'_.--._`  
       : / :: \   :./ :: \    : / :: \   :./ :: \    : / :: \   
        ~======    `-~~~~-'    ~======    `-~~~~-'    ~======

Hot Line

(Louella Dunann)

Our daughter, Alicia
Had just turned sixteen,
And was earning the title
Of "Telephone Queen."

For her birthday we gave her
Her own private phone
Along with instructions
To leave ours alone.

Now we still catch her using
Our line, with the stall,
"I can't tie mine up, Mom,
I might get a call."

         ______     ______      ______     ______      ______   
       .'_.--._`  .'_.--._`   .'_.--._`  .'_.--._`   .'_.--._`  
       : / :: \   :./ :: \    : / :: \   :./ :: \    : / :: \   
        ~======    `-~~~~-'    ~======    `-~~~~-'    ~======

Songs about Phones

*69 - Christine Lavin (1995)
26 Cents - The Wilkinsons (1998)
All Alone By the Telephone - The Checkmates, Ltd (1976)
Anonymous Phone Call - Bobby Vee (1962)
Answer the Phone - The Drifters (1965)
Answering Machine - Rupert Holmes (1980)
At the Sound of the Tone - John Schneider (1986)
As Soon As I Hang up the Phone - Loretta Lynn and Conway Twitty (1974)
Austin - Blake Shelton (2001)

Baby, Don't Call - Cowboy Jazz (1981)
Bad Connection - Everclear (2008)
Busy Line - The Billy Williams Quartet (1951)
Busy Signal - Leo Kottke (1988)

California Callin' - Bill Wence (2001)
Call, The - Anne Murray (1986)
Call a Doctor - The Crows (2005)
Call Collect on Christmas - James King (2002)
Call Her on the Phone - The Flamingos (1965)
Call Her Up - Jackie Wilson (1964)
Call Me - Chris Montez (1966)
Call Me a Doctor - David Ramirez (2005)
Call Me Collect - Herb Remington (1987)
Call Me, Come Back Home - Al Green (1973)
Call Me Up - Wade Ray (1953)
Call Me Up and I'll Come Calling on You - Marty Robbins (1954)
Call My Job - Detroit Junior (1965)
Call the Doctor - Lisa Thurman (2006)
Callin' Baton Rouge - Garth Brooks (1994)
Callin' the Sheriff - The Fireballs (1961)
Calling America - Electric Light Orchestra (1986)
Can I Call You at Home? - Rick Monroe (1999)
Can't Hang Up the Phone - Stonewall Jackson (1963)
Cathy Called - Eddie Holman (1970)
Collect From Wichita - Ty England (1999)
Colorado Calling - Anthony Armstrong Jones (1972)
Come and Get Your Love - Lime (1982)

Daddy, Daddy I Gotta Get a Phone in My Room - Betsy Brye (1959)
Dial a Heartbreak - Bill Morrison (1970)
Dial AL1-4883 - Mark Dinning (1965)
Dial My Heart - The Boys (1988)
Dialog for Answering Machines - Perry Botkin, Jr. (2000)
Diamonds and Rust - Joan Baez (1975)
Did He Call Today, Mama? - Jackie DeShannon (1963)
Did You Call Her Today? - Harry Edison and Ben Webster (1962)
Direct Distance Dialing - The Compton Brothers (1973)
Don't Call Me - Bill Pinkney (1964)
Don't Call Me from a Honky-Tonk - Johnny and Joni Mosby (1963)
Don't Call Us, We'll Call You - Sugarloaf (1975)
Don't Hang Up - 10cc (1976)
Don't Telephone, Don't Telegraph, Tell a Woman - Tex Williams (1948)
Drink and Dial - James Otto (2008)
Dust on My Telephone - Jim Boyd (1949)

Ginny's Got a Phone - Betty Johnson (1963)
Give Me a Ring Sometime - Lisa Brokop (1994)

Hang Up - The Wailers (1964)
Hang Up and Drive - Rusty McHugh and Mike Fincher (2002)
Hang Up the Phone - Eddie Rabbitt (1991)
He'll Have to Go - Rex Allen, Jr. (2002)
Hello, Operator - Country Gazette (1981)
Hello, This is Joannie (Answering Machine Song) - Paul Evans (1978)
Here's a Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares - Travis Tritt (1991)
Hold the Phone - Hank Penny (1951)
Hot Line - The Sylvers (1976)

I Came So Close to Callin' You Last Night - Boxcar Willie (1977)
I Just Called to Listen - Homer Joy (2007)
I Just Called to Say Goodbye Again - Larry Boone (1988)
I Just Called to Say Hello - Sonny Knight (1964)
I Just Called to Say I Love You - Stevie Wonder (1984)
I Recall the Telephone Booth - Joy Electric (2008)
I Should Have Called - Eddy Raven (1981)
I Wish I Hadn't Called Home - Dale Hawkins (1961)
I'm Callin' Daisy - Brownie McGhee (1940)
I'm Hanging up the Phone - Carl Butler and Pearl Dee Jones (1964)
I've Called to Say I Love One More Time - Leona Williams (2004)
If a Man Answers - Bobby Darin (1962)
If a Woman Answers, Hang up the Phone - Leroy Van Dyke (1962)
If I Hadn't Called You Back - Bobby 'Blue' Bland (1964)
If the Phone Doesn't Ring, it's Me - Jimmy Buffett (1985)
If the Phone Don't Ring - Erin Hay (2000)
If She Calls - Jim Mundy (2006)
Important Call - John Ottoman (2008)
It Must Be Him - Vikki Carr (1967)
It's the Phone - Cheryl Wheeler (2005)

Just Call, I'll Be There - P. J. Proby (1964)
Just So You Call Me - Mac Curtis (1956)

Kiss Me Thru the Phone - Soulja Boy (2008)
Kissin' on the Phone - Paul Anka (1961)

Let's Make Love Over the Telephone - Jose Feliciano (1981)
London Calling - The Clash (1979)
Long Distance - George Fox (1988)
Long Distance Blues - The Treniers (1952)
Long Distance Call - Rod Price (2000)
Long Distance Kiss - Ronnie Self (1969)
Long Distance Kisses - Larry Hosford (1975)
Long Distance Kissing - Sandy Posey (1976)
Long Distance Love - Ed Burleson (2004)
Long Distance Love Affair - The Bellamy Brothers (1982)
Long Distance Operator - Bob Dylan (1975)
Long Distance Runaround - John Cowan (2002)
Long Distance Telephone - The Bulkins and John Ford Coley (1981)
Love on the Telephone - Foreigner (1979)

Memphis - Fred Knobloch (1981)
Midnight Call, The - Don Rigsby (2003)
Mister Telephone - Giselle MacKenzie (1956)
Mister Telephone Man - New Edition (1987)

Obscene Phone Caller - Rockwell (2009)
One Phone Call - Patti LaBelle and the Blue Belles (1964)
Operator - The Grateful Dead (1970)
Operator 299 - Jaye P. Morgan (1953)
Operator, Long Distance Please - Barbara Mandrell (1982)
Operator, Operator - Eddy Raven (1985)
Operator (That's Not the Way it Feels) - Jim Croce (1972)

Party Line - Mac Curtis (1975)
Pay Phone, The - Bob Luman (1977)
Person to Person - Average White Band (1976)
Phone Book, The - Meri Wilson (2002)
Phone Booth on the Highway - Johnny Maestro (1965)
Phone Call, The - Doyle Lawson and Quicksilver (2007)
Phone Call Away, A - IIIrd Tyme Out (1991)
Phone Call From Allyson - Ronnie Prophet (1975)
Phone Call to the Past - Henry Mancini Orchestra (1970)
Phone You - Brian Connolly (1980)
Phones Are Ringing All Over Town - Martina McBride (1996)
Please Call - Freddie Scott (1958)
Please Call Home - Gregg Allman (1973)
Please, Operator, Could You Trace This Call? - Garth Brooks (2005)
Please Ring My Phone - The Starlettes (1958)
Psychic Hot Line - Gwen McCrae (1996)

Remember, I'm Just As Close As the Phone - Rose Lee Maphis (1966)
Request Line - Rockmaster Scott and The Dynamic Three (1984)
Ring-a-My-Phone - Brenda Lee (1958)
Ring My Phone - Tommy Sands (1957)
Ring, Phone, Ring - Marion Marlowe (1956)
Ring Ring - ABBA (1973)
Ring, Telephone - J.J. Jackson (1963)
Ring, Telephone, Ring - Randy Cornor (1978)

Sex Over the Phone - Village People (1985)
She May Call You Up Tonight - The Left Banke (1967)
Silence on the Line - Henson Cargill (1980)
Straight to Voicemail - Daniel Ferrari (2005)
Switchboard Susan - Nick Lowe (1979)
Sylvia's Mother - Dennis Locorriere (2000)

Tears on the Telephone - Hot Chocolate (1983)
Telefone (Long Distance Love Affair) - Sheena Easton (1983)
Telephone - Shelby Lynne (2003)
Telephone, The - Jerry Reed (1975)
Telephone Always Rings, The - Fun Boy Three (1982)
Telephone Baby - Werly Fairburn (1957)
Telephone Booth - Hoyt Axton (1974)
Telephone Box - Ian Gillan and Roger Glover (1988)
Telephone Call, The - George Jones (1974)
Telephone Call From Istanbul - Tom Waits (1987)
Telephone Conversation - The Mothers of Invention (1968)
Telephone Game - Claudine Clark (1962)
Telephone Girl - The Red Clay Ramblers (1976)
Telephone Line - Electric Light Orchestra (1976)
Telephone Man - Meri Wilson (1977)
Telephone Road - Steve Earle (1997)
Telephone Song - The Vaughan Brothers (1990)
Telephone, Won't You Ring? - Shelley Fabares (1962)
Thank You for Calling - Billy Walker (1954)
This is the World Calling - Bob Geldof (1986)
Three Steps to the Phone - Wink Martindale (1961)
Three Steps to the Phone (Millions of Miles) - George Hamilton IV (1961)
Toy Telephone - Johnny Bush (1974)

Voice Mail #3 - Original Broadway Cast of Rent (1996)
Voicemail - Jamison (2012)
Voicemail On - George Washington Brown (2007)

We Love You, Call Collect - Art and Diane Linkletter (1969)
When Lightning Struck the Coon Creek Party Line - Hoosier Hot Shots (1941)
When Will You Make My Telephone Ring? - Deacon Blue (1988)
Whoever Calls - Michelle Endicott (2007)
Why Don't That Telephone Ring? - Tracy Byrd (1993)
Wichita Lineman - Glen Campbell (1969)

You Called Me in My Dream - Buddy Guy (1982)
Your Alibi Called Today - Norma Jean (1967)
Your Line is Busy - Ron Holden (1960)

Songs about Phone Numbers

*69 - Christine Lavin (1995)
236-6132 - Dave Carter and Tracy Grammer (2001)
555-GIRL - Goin' Places (2002)
606-0842 - The B-52's (1979)
634-5789 - Marlow Tackett (1982)
842-3089 (Call My Name) - Etta James (1966)
853-5937 - Squeeze (1988)
BEechwood4-5789 - The Marvelettes (1962)
Beverly Hills Telephone Directory Cha-Cha-Cha - McFadden and McKuen (1959)
BIgelow6-200 - Brenda Lee (1956)
EchoValley2-6809 - The Partridge Family (1971)
Give Me Your Phone Number - John Lee Hooker (1950)
How'd You Get This Number? - Guy Clark (1992)
Jenny (867-5309) - Tommy Tutone (1982)
Little Black Book - Joe and Rose Lee Maphis (1965)
LOnesome 7-7203 - Tony Booth (1972)
My Little Red Book - Love (1966)
PEnnsylvania 6-5000 - The Glenn Miller Orchestra (1940)
Private Number - The Jets (1985)
Rikki, Don't Lose That Number - Steely Dan (1974)
Someone Out in Dallas Has Your Number - Swing Shift Band (1988)
Telephone Numbers - Kerry Adams (1960)
What's Your Name, What's Your Number? - Roger Cook (1977)
What's Your Phone Number? - Jimmy McCracklin (1952)
Wrong Number - Timothy B. Schmit (1984)
Wrong Number, Right Girl - Verna Williams (1962)
Yellow Pages - Roger Bowling (1981)
You're More Than a Number in My Little Red Book - Nu Drifters (2005)