Also see Patriotism and Military Humor.
At a dinner for Commonwealth heads of state some years ago, the chief of protocol saw a guest pocket a gold salt-shaker. He asked Winston Churchill what he should do.
"Leave it to me" said Sir Winston, and proceeded to pocket a gold pepper-shaker. He then turned to the guilty party and whispered, "Oh, dear, the chief of protocol saw. We'd better put them both back."
You read about all these terrorists--most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as ten to fifteen years.
Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.
They proclaim that every man is entitled to exist without labor and, the laws of reality to the contrary notwithstanding, is entitled to receive his "minimum sustenance"--his food, his clothes, his shelter--with no effort on his part, as his due and his birthright. To receive it--from whom?
Jay Leno referring to President Bush:
In his speech, he outlined a plan to start patrolling the U.S.-Mexico border using members of the National Guard. He said this will give us the most secure border in the world . . . one weekend a month and two full weeks in the summer. This will replace our old method of border control: the honor system.
The next time you hear a politician use the word 'billion' casually, think about whether you want that politician spending your tax money.
A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting it into perspective:
A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
A billion minutes ago, Jesus was alive.
A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
A billion days ago no one walked on two feet on earth.
But a billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate the government spends it.
The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.
It just doesn't get more accurate than that!
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse? You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country. Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil so we didn't know we were getting low.
The reason for that is purely geographical. Our OIL is located in Alaska, California, Coastal Florida, Coastal Louisiana, Kansas, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, and Texas . . . but our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington DC.
A priest walked into a barbershop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord."
The next morning, the barber came to work and there were twelve prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.
Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community."
The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.
Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the country."
The next morning, the barber came to work and there were twelve Senators in front of the door.
A bus filled with politicians was driving through the countryside one day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and crashes into the ditch.
A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians he buries them.
The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man.
"So you buried the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?"
The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie."
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. But they are unable to locate eleven million illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow--or, better yet, just put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.
Supreme Court Justice Hugo Black was a strict constitutionalist--so strict, in fact, that he carried a copy of the Constitution around with him at all times. Almost all times, anyhow. One morning, reporter-commentator, Sidney Zion spotted Justice Black just inside the grand lobby of the Supreme Court building patting his pockets, fumbling through his briefcase and turning his coat inside out to see if anything had fallen through the lining.
"Did you lose something, Justice Black?" Zion asked. "Can I help you?"
"Oh, yes. Thank you very much," replied Justice Black. "I seem to have left my Constitution on my dresser when I left home this morning." And then Hugo Black turned face to face with Sidney Zion and said, "May I borrow yours?" (from Reader's Digest)
One Christmas Eve, a Washington, D. C. radio station called the British ambassador and asked: "What would you like for Christmas?" The ambassador thought for a while and gave his answer.
The next day he heard the announcer tell what foreign ambassadors wanted for Christmas: "The French ambassador said, 'I earnestly desire that next year should be a year of peace.' The Russian ambassador hopes for a year of justice for all men. The German ambassador wants to see a greater sharing of wealth in the world. And the British ambassador said, 'I would like a box of candied fruit.'"
*[This entry has been omitted in order to protect a small and most likely fictional demographic of aquatic creatures, those with a potentially intense sympathy toward the aforementioned likely fictional creatures, as well as those who may or may not have, or may or may not know, a person who shares in these probably-fictional aquatic creatures' particular, though unspecified in this notice, trait.]*
An airplane was about to crash, and there were five passengers left, but only four parachutes. The first passenger,
Bill Clinton said, "I am President of the United States, and I have a great responsibility, being the leader of nearly 300 million people, and a superpower, etc." So he takes the first parachute, and jumps out of the plane.
The second passenger, said, I'm Antoine Walker, one of the best NBA Basketball players, and the Boston Celtics need me, so I can't afford to die." So he takes the second parachute, and leaves the plane.
The third passenger, Hillary Clinton, said "I am the wife of the President of the United States, and soon to be New York Senator, and I am the smartest woman in the world." So she takes the third parachute and exits the plane.
The fourth passenger, the Old man, says to the fifth passenger, a ten-year-old boy scout, "I am old and frail and I don't have many years left, so a as Christian gesture and a good deed, I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The boy scout said, "It's Ok, there's a parachute left for you. The world's smartest woman took my backpack."
Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.
Bill told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened.
About an hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.
"What happened to you?" asked Bill.
"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his nineteen year old daughter made mad passionate love to me," said the driver.
"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Clinton. The driver replies, "I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just killed the pig."
It is a strange turn of events. Hillary Clinton gets $8 Million for her forthcoming memoir. Bill Clinton gets about $12 Million for his memoir. This from two people who have spent the past eight years being unable to recall anything about past events!
(by "Phil", based on the book Sam I Am)
Can we count them with our nose?
Can we count them with our toes?
Should we count them with a band?
Should we count them all by hand?
If I do not like the count,
I will simply throw them out!
I will not let this vote count stand
I do not like them, AL GORE I am!
Can we change these numbers here?
Can we change them, calm my fears?
What do you mean, Dubya has won?
This is not fair, this is not fun
Lets count them upside down this time
Lets count until the state is mine!
I will not let this VOTE count stand!
I do not like it, AL GORE I am!
I'm really ticked, I'm in a snit!
You have not heard the last of it!
I'll count the ballots one by one
And hold each one up to the sun!
I'll count, recount, and count some more!
You'll grow to hate this little chore
But I will not, cannot let this vote count stand!
I do not like it, Al Gore I am!
I won't leave office, I'm stayin' here!
I've glued my desk chair to my rear!
Tipper, Hillary, and Bubba too,
all telling me that I should sue!
We find the Electoral College vile!
RECOUNT the votes until I smile!
We do not want this vote to stand!
We do not like it, AL GORE I am!
How shall we count this ballot box?
Let's count it standing in our socks!
Shall we count this one in a tree?
And who shall count it, you or me?
We cannot, cannot count enough!
We must not stop, we must be tough!
I do not want this vote to stand!
I do not like it AL GORE I am!
I've counted till my fingers bleed!
And still can't fulfill my counting need!
I'll count the tiles on the floor!
I'll count, and count, and count some more!
And I will not say that I am done!
Until the counting says I've won!
I will not let this vote count stand!
I do not like it, AL GORE I am!
What's that? What are you trying to say?
You think the current count should stay?
You do not like my counting scheme?
It makes you tense, gives you bad dreams?
Foolish people, you're wrong you'll see!
You're only care should be for me!
I will not let this vote count stand!
I do not like it. and Al Gore I am!
("Dr. seuss" style poem about Bill Clinton)
I'm here to ask
Did you grope her
I did not do that
I did not do that
Did you smile?
And did you tell
I do not like you
I will not answer
The public's easy
(another 'Dr. seuss' style poem about Clinton)
I did not do it in a car
I did not do it in a bar
I did not do it in the dark
I did not do it in the park
I did not do it on a date
I did not ever fornicate
I did not do it at a dance
I did not do it in her pants
I did not get beyond first base
I did not do it in her face
I never did it in a bed
If you think that, you've been misled
I did not do it with a groan
I did not do it on the phone
I did not cause her dress to stain
I never boinked Saddam Hussein
I did not do it with a whip
I never fondled Linda Tripp
I never acted really silly
With volunteers like Kathleen Willey
There was one time, with Margaret Thatcher
I chased her 'round, but could not catch her
No kinky stuff, not on your life
I wouldn't even with my wife
And Jennifer Flowers' tale of woes
Were paid for by my right-wing foes
And Paula Jones, and those state troopers
Are just a bunch of party poopers
I did not ask my friends to lie
I did not hang them out to dry
I did not do it last November
But if I did, I don't remember
I did not do it in the hall
I could have, but I don't recall
I never did it in my study
I never did it with my dog, Buddy
I never did it to Sox, the cat
I might have--once--with Arafat
I never did it in a hurry
I never groped Ms. Betty Currie
There was no sex at Arlington
There was no sex on Air Force One
I might have copped a little feel
And then endeavored to conceal
But never did these things so lewd
At least, not ever in the nude
These things to which I have confessed
They do not count, if we stayed dressed
It never happened with a cigar
I never dated Mrs. Starr
I did not know this little sin
Would be retold on CNN
I broke some rules my mama taught me
I tried to hide, but now you've caught me
But I implore, I do beseech
Do not condemn, do not impeach
I might have got a little tail
But never, never did I inhale