Quotes and Page Toppers

• Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.
• A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
• Been there, done fat.
• Being overweight snacks up on you.
• Bigger snacks mean bigger slacks.
• Blessed are they who count their calories for their efforts shall not go to waist.
• Brain cells come and brain cells go...but fat cells live forever.
• Caution: Hungry Dieter...may bite if provoked.
• The chief ingredient of fad diets is baloney.
• Dear Lord--if you can't make me skinny...please make my friends fat.
• Diet: Day 1 - I have removed all the bad food from the house. It was delicious.
• A diet is the penalty we pay for exceeding the feed limit.
• A diet is what helps a person gain wait more slowly. (Bill Copeland)
• Dieters don't mind getting a little behind.
• Dieter's birthday wish: A hug and a quiche.
• Dieting is a losing battle.
• Dieting is not a piece of cake.
• Dieting is wishful shrinking!
• Diets are for losers.
• Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it.
• Diets are part of the American weigh of life.
• Don't go out of your weigh to please anyone but yourself.
• Eat, drink and be merry...for tomorrow we diet!
• Ever get nostalgic for "The Weigh We were"?
• Everything weighs about one percent less at the equator so I think all scales should be adjusted accordingly.
• The first thing you lose on a diet is your sense of humor!
• Gluttony is not a secret vice. (Orson Welles)
• God must love calories because He made so many!
• I am living beyond my seams.
• I am not a glutton--I am an explorer of food. (Erma Bombeck)
• I am not overweight, I am a nutritional overachiever.
• I am PHAT (Pretty, Healthy & Trim)
• I bought a talking refrigerator that said "Oink" every time I opened the door. It made me hungry for pork chops. (Marie Mott)
• I follow two diets; one doesn't give me enough to eat!
• I go up and down the scale so often that if they ever perform an autopsy on me they'll find me like a strip of bacon--a streak of lean and a streak of fat. (Texas Guinan)
• I got this body from junk food.
• I had a million dollar figure before inflation.
• I hate it when I think I'm buying ORGANIC vegetables, but when I get home they're just REGULAR donuts.
• I have flabby thighs; but fortunately my stomach covers them.
• I have gained and lost the same ten pounds so many times over and over again my cellulite must have déjà vu. (Jane Wagner)
• I keep trying to lose weight...but it keeps finding me!
• I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn't be fair to all the skinny people if I was attractive, intelligent, funny AND thin. It's a public service really.
• I thought I was losing weight but it turns out my sweatpants just came untied!
• I wish I could get a little ahead...instead of a big behind.
• If nature had intended our skeletons to be visible it would have put them on the outside of our bodies. (Elmer Rice)
• If you put a croûton on your sundae instead of a cherry it counts as a salad.
• I'm in shape. Round is a shape... isn't it?
• I'm not overweight, I'm undertall!
• In the Middle Ages, they had guillotines, stretch racks, whips and chains. Nowadays, we have a much more effective torture device called the bathroom scale. (Stephen Phillips)
• Inside me there's a thin woman struggling to get out...
  But I can usually sedate her with four or five cupcakes.
• It would be far easier to lose weight permanently if replacement parts weren't so handy in the refrigerator. (Hugh Allen)
• It's not the minutes you spend at the table that cause a problem--it's the seconds.
• I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is fourteen days. (Totie Fields)
• Loser for Life.
• My brain, skin and hair cells continue to die, but my fat cells seem to have eternal life.
• My goal is to weigh what my driver's license says I weigh.
• Not only did I fall off the diet wagon, I set it on fire and used the insurance money to buy cupcakes.
• Not to brag, but I just finished a 14-day diet in five hours.
• Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.
• Obesity is really widespread. (Joseph O. Kern II)
• The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
• One of the life's mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.
• Probably nothing in the world arouses more false hopes than the first four hours of a diet. (Dan Bennett)
• A recent study has found that women who gain a little weight live longer than men who mention it.
• Rich, fatty foods are like destiny: they too, shape our ends.
• The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. (Jackie Gleason)
• Self delusion is pulling in your stomach when you step on the scales. (Paul Sweeney)
• A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter
• Thank you for calling the Weight Loss Hotline.
  If you'd like to lose half a pound right now, press 1 eighteen thousand times.
• There should be a calorie refund for things that didn't taste as good as you expected.
• Those who indulge...Bulge!
• Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
• To lengthen your life, shorten your meals.
• You call it eating five boxes of Girl Scout cookies alone. I call it supporting young female entrepreneurs.
• Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie. (Jim Davis)
• A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
• Why blame the cheeseburgers and pizzas and ice cream for that extra pound?
  How do you know it wasn't the broccoli and cottage cheese?
• You can't lose weight by talking about it. You have to keep your mouth shut!

It's All in How You Look at it

Wife: "This is my favorite picture of myself."
Husband: "You've got to be kidding! Look . . . it's not focused well, the wind is blowing your hair all over the place, and you're squinting from the sun. How can this be your favorite picture?"
Wife: "I look thin."

Forget-Me-Not

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

Holiday Stress Diet

(author unknown)

The following diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the holidays.

Breakfast:
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz. skim milk

Lunch:
4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie

Mid-Afternoon snack:
The rest of Oreos in the package
2 pints Rocky Road ice cream with nuts, cherries and whipped cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce

Dinner:
2 loaves garlic bread
4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke
1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
3 Snickers bars

Late Evening News:
Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)

Rules For This Diet:

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.
9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
10. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
11. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!)
12. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples: ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles

Remember: Stressed spelled backwards is desserts--and that is too much of a coincidence to be an accident!

Toddler Miracle Diet

(author unknown)

The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all- meat diet).
Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days.
Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet!

Over the years you may have noticed that most two-years-olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult you doctor before embarking on this diet; otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good Luck!

DAY ONE:
Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat two bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take one bite of toast, and then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a hand full of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest)
Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, four sips of flat Pepsi.
Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.

DAY TWO:
Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
Lunch: Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a hand full of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon Snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug.
Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour grape Kool- Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon.

DAY THREE:
Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterdays sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of your best chair.
Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
Dinner: Dish of ice cream, hand full of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through nose, if possible.

FINAL DAY:
Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of corn flakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.