Laughter is the Best Medicine

Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.

If you don't appreciate humor and satire about serious subjects you should skip this file. I would never minimize the devastating affects of emotional or mental problems. I understand those things very well. But it is important to learn to laugh at our 'peculiarities'. Laughing won't make problems go away but it can make them easier to live with. Our differences makes the world interesting.
This file includes Fear and Neuroses, Going Crazy and Psychiatry. Song lists about emotional health, obsession, craziness, fear and neurosis are at the bottom of the page.
Also see Stress, Emotional and Mental Health, Addiction, Living Through a Pandemic , and Scrapping the Difficult Times.

Quotes

According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
Adult child of alien invaders.
All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Always try to do things in chronological order. It's less confusing that way.
Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough.
Being depressed is no fun...and believe me, I know; because I had fun once!
Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
Boldly going nowhere.
Brain at 3am: I can see you're trying to sleep, so I would like to off you a selection of every memory, unresolved issue, or things you should have said or done today as well as in the past 40 years.
Clairvoyant's meeting canceled due to unforeseen events.
Clones are people, two.
DeJaNesia--the feeling that you've forgotten this before. (Denny Davis)
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Don't get even...get odd!
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
Every normal person, in fact, is only normal on the average. His ego approximates to that of the psychotic in some part or other and to a greater or lesser extent. (Sigmund Freud)
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo...
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
The face is familiar but I can't quite remember my name.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Go, lemmings, go!
Have an adequate day.
Hold on a minute, I'm busy overreacting to something.
The human brain is awesome. It functions 24 hours a day from the day we are born and only stops when we are taking an exam or fall in love.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I always carry a little crazy with me, I never know when I'm going to need it.
I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
I am not anti-social - I am just really pro-me.
I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
I chose the road less traveled--now where the heck am I?
I don't have ducks, I don't have a row. I have squirrels and they're drunk.
I don't have ducks . . . or a row. I have squirrels and they're everywhere.
I don't know what your problem is but I bet it's hard to pronounce.
I don't pretend to be something I'm not. Well, normal...sometimes I pretend I'm normal.
I don't suffer from stress, I'm a carrier.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I have seen the truth and it makes no sense. (G.K. Chesterton)
I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no personality at all.
I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
I lost my emotional baggage on my last flight of fantasy.
I meander to a different drummer.
I read that the typical symptoms of stress are over-eating, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
I realize that there are other people who have days stranger than mine. I don't know them. I don't know anyone who knows them. But I'm sure they're out there. Somewhere. (Sarah Hoffman)
I think I'll just put an "out of order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
I used to be conceited, but now I'm absolutely perfect.
I used to be disgusted...now I'm just amused.
I used to get high on life, but I've built up a tolerance.
I want my blankie!
If it is true that stress brings on weight loss, why am I not invisible?
If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
If you can't dress weird, why dress at all?
I'm apathetic and I don't care.
I'm not breaking the rules...I'm just testing their elasticity.
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
I'm not weird, I'm a limited edition.
In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
Instead of a sign that says ‘Do Not Disturb' I need one that says ‘Already disturbed, proceed with caution'.
Is it time for your medication or mine?
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
It's hard to think of you as the end result of millions of years of evolution.
It's okay to talk to yourself. It's even okay to answer yourself. But when you ask yourself to repeat what you just said, you have a problem.
Just when you think you've hit bottom, someone tosses you a shovel.
Know thyself! (But don't tell anyone!)
Let's Put the Fun Back in DysFUNctional
A man who is "of sound mind" is one who keeps the inner madman under lock and key. (Paul Valéry)
Mental backup in progress--Do No Disturb!
Misery is a communicable disease. (Martha Graham)
My brain has too many tabs open.
My ducks are absolutely not in a row. At this point I don't even know where my ducks are.
My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot. (Ashleigh Brilliant)
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.
My life isn't like a box of chocolates...it's more like a jar of jalapenos.
My mind is like an internet browser. Seventeen tabs are open, four of them are frozen and I don't know where the music is coming from.
My reality check bounced.
My son asked me why I have been speaking so softly in the house. I said I was afraid that the NSA was listening. He laughed, I laughed, Alexa laughed.
No need to drive me crazy, I can walk from here.
Nobody really cares if you're miserable, so you might as well be happy. (Cythina Nelms)
Normal is not something to aspire to, it's something to get away from. (Jodie Foster)
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
Practical guide for successful living: Put your head under the pillow and scream.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one. (Albert Einstein)
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away. (Philip K. Dick)
Reality leaves a lot to the imagination. (John Lennon)
Sanity is a madness put to good uses. (George Santayana)
Sanity is the playground for the unimaginative!
So it's not home sweet home...adjust!
Some days I amaze myself. Other days I put my keys in the fridge!
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness
Sometimes my overzealous nature is awkward as hell, and I forget that other people aren’t in my head. (Tony Blosser)
There are only 2,000 real people in the world; the rest are bad special effects.
There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them. (Werner Heisenberg)
There are whole years for which I hope I'll never be cross-examined, for I could not give an alibi.
There is no problem that can't be solved with a little self-delusion.
Things I need to do today: Breathe in. Breathe out.
This would be really funny if it weren't happening to me
Three out of four voices in my head want to sleep. The other wants to know if penguins have knees.
To the people who lose one shoe on the highway: Please tell me what the rest of your life is like.
Today is the last day of your life, so far.
Warning: This person reads fantasy and is an avid denier of reality.
Was today really necessary?
What am I, a Weirdness Magnet?
What doesn't kill you give you weird coping mechanisms and a twisted sense of humor.
When life is stressful, do something to lift your spirits. Go for a drive. Drive two or three thousand miles away. Maybe change your name.
When parents say to their kids "Go to your room and think about what you've done", it's really good practice for what you'll do every night as an adult. (Pat Tobin)
When you are having a problem remember "This too shall pass". It might pass like a kidney stone, but it WILL pass.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
Why be difficult when with a bit of effort you can be impossible?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
You are brave, brilliant, attractive...and gullible.
You shouldn't compare yourself to others; they are more messed up than you think.
You think I'm OCD, well I think you're a slacker who can't do things right.

Handling Stress

Husband: "It's good to see you taking time to read a book. What is it?"
Wife: "A book on how to handle stress. The doctor says I get involved in too many things. This is a terrific book--I know all kinds of people who would benefit from a course on this . . . I bet if I tried I could get a good group together! I'm going over to Connie's. She'll know someone who could give a workshop. We could form a committee . . ."
Husband: "I give up!"

The Secret to Inner Peace

By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace . . . It read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started." So I looked around to see all the things I started and hadn't finished. Today I have finished one small bottle of Grand Marnier, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of Jack Daniel's, my Prozac, a small box of chocolates and a half-gallon of Baskin Robbins rocky road ice cream. You have no idea how good I feel.

Myers-Briggs Types prayers

INTJ - Lord, keep me open to others' ideas. Wrong though they may be.
ISTJ - Lord, help me relax about insignificant details, beginning tomorrow at 11:41 a.m. e.s.t.
ISTP - God, help me consider other peoples' feelings, even if most of them ARE hypersensitive.
ESTP - God, help me take responsibility for my own actions, even though they're usually NOT my fault.
ESTJ - God, help me not try to run everything. But, if you need some help, just ask.
ISFJ - Lord, help me to be more laid back and help me do it exactly right.
ISFP - Lord, help me to stand up for my rights - if you don't mind my asking.
ESFP - God, help me take things more seriously, especially parties and dancing.
ESFJ - God, give me patience, and I mean RIGHT NOW.
INFJ - Lord, help me not be a perfectionist (did I spell that correctly?).
INFP - God, help me finish everything I sta
ENFP - God, help me keep my mind on one th -- Look, a bird -- ing at a time.
ENFJ - God, help me to do only what I can and trust you to do the rest. And do you mind putting that in writing?
INTP - Lord, help me be less independent, but let me do it my way.
ENTP - Lord, help me follow established procedures today. On second thought, I'll settle for a few minutes.
ENTJ - Lord, help me slow downandnotrushthroughwhatIdo.

Going Crazy

Quotes

According to recent figures, one out of four Americans is mentally disturbed. Think of three close friends...if they are OK, then you're the one!
All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.
As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.
At least in the asylum, they treated me with respect.
The Devil whispered in my ear, "You’re not strong enough to withstand the storm." I whispered in the Devil's ear, "I love your eggs."
Do not disturb. Already disturbed!
Dr. Jeckyll isn't himself today.
Even if the voices aren't real, they have some good ideas!
Four out of five voices in my head say "Go For It!"
I am at one with my duality.
I didn't lose my mind, I just put it someplace safe.
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
I hate to advocate drugs, violence, or insanity...but they've always worked for me. (Hunter S. Thompson)
I shouldn't precisely have chosen madness if there had been any choice, but once such a thing has taken hold of you, you can't very well get out of it. (Vincent van Gogh)
I let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
I plead contemporary insanity.
I used to be sane, but I got better.
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
I wouldn't be broke if the voices in my head paid rent
I'll be the in to your sane. (Numan)
I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for thirty years.
I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you that?
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
If everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
If God hadn't wanted me to be paranoid, He wouldn't have given me such a vivid imagination.
If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane. (Jimmy Buffett)
If you want to know more about paranoids, follow them around.
If you're rich, you're eccentric; if you're poor, you're crazy.
Insane people are always sure that they are fine. It is only the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy. (Nora Ephron)
Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
It's good to know that if I behave strangely enough, society will take full responsibility for me. (Ashleigh Brilliant)
It's you and me against the world...when do we attack?
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you!
Just when you think you've reached the bottom of her craziness you find there's a crazy underground garage.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Me: Sometimes I talk to myself.
Me: omg same!
My doctor asked if anyone in my family was suffering from mental illness. I said, "No, we all seem to enjoy it."
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies two to one.
Schizophrenia beats being alone
Some mornings, it's just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps. (Emo Philips)
There are very few personal problems that can't be solved by the suitable application of high explosives.
Truly great madness cannot be achieved without significant intelligence. (Henrik Tikkanen)
We do not have to visit a madhouse to find disordered minds; our planet is the mental institution of the universe. (Johann von Goethe)
What's the point of being fascinatingly crazy if you don't enrich the world with it?
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
When they told me I was delusional I nearly fell off my unicorn.
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Usually, that individual is crazy.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it. (Robin Williams)

10 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity

Sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars.
Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in."
Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
Sing along at the opera.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"
Tell your children, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

Fears and Neuroses

Quotes

All of me is beautiful, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts.
Change is good as long as I don't have to do anything differently.
Coincidence is just an euphemism for conspiracy.
The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
Did you ever wonder if the person in the puddle is real, and you're just a reflection of him? (Calvin and Hobbes)
Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you out.
Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows.
Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.
I can tell if people are judgmental just by looking at them.
I don't have to take this abuse from you...I've got other people waiting to abuse me.
I feel like a fugitive from the law of averages. (William H. Mauldin)
I got a self-help tapes called "How to Handle Disappointment." I got it home and the box was empty. (Jonathon Droll)
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?"
I'm cleverly disguised as a responsible adult
I'm flexible as long as you don't change anything.
I'm going to be more assertive....if that's OK with you.
I'm not afraid of the dark...it's the stuff in the dark that I'm scared of!
I'm not anti-social I'm just not user friendly.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
Look out behind you--the lemmings are gaining!
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
Masquerading as a normal person day after day is exhausting!
My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips
The neurotic circles ceaselessly above a fogged-in airport.
The neurotic rule--when in doubt, go ahead and feel humiliated.
The neurotic would like to trust his analyst--if only because he's paying him so much money. But he can't--because if the analyst really cared, he'd be doing it for nothing.
Neurotics love being in debt; it proves that someone trusts them.
No good neurotic finds it difficult to be both opinionated and indecisive.
Of course I'm out of my mind, it's dark and scary in there!
Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
Psychotics build castles in the air, neurotics live in them, and psychologists collect the rent.
Psychiatrist to patient: "Would you mind hanging around awhile afterward? My next patient has an inferiority complex, and I'd like him to have a look at you!"
Somehow I have to believe that I'm worth all the aggravation I cause myself.
There is a difference between a psychopath and a neurotic.
A psychopath thinks two and two are five.
A neurotic knows two and two are four, but he worries about it.
To him who is in fear everything rustles. (Sophocles)
We all spend our lives in solitary confinement, but the neurotic believes he's the only one.

Psychiatry

The aim of psychoanalysis is to relieve people of their neurotic unhappiness so that they can be normally unhappy. (Sigmund Freud)
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined. (Samuel Goldwyn)
Men will always be mad, and those who think they can cure them are the maddest of all.(Voltaire)
Psychoanalysis: Confession without absolution. (G.K. Chesterton)
Psychoanalysis makes quite simple people feel they're complex. (S.N. Behrman)
A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.
Psychiatrists classify a person as neurotic if he suffers from his problems in living, and as psychotic if he makes others suffer. (Thomas Szasz)
Psychiatry is the care of the Id by the odd.
Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is free!
There's nothing wrong with the average person that a good psychiatrist can't exaggerate.
The neurotic would like to trust his analyst--if only because he's paying him so much money. But he can't--because if the analyst really cared, he'd be doing it for nothing.
A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the man who lives in it. A psychiatrist is the man who collects the rent. (Jerome Lawrence)
Psychiatrist to patient: "Would you mind hanging around awhile afterward? My next patient has an inferiority complex, and I'd like him to have a look at you!"

Bathtub Test

A visitor at a mental institution asked the Director what criteria defines whether a patient needs to be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtub."
Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket since it is larger than the teacup or spoon."
"No," answered the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug."

So how did you do?

Psychiatric Hotline

(Barbara Johnson)

Hello, welcome to Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, and 5.
If you are paranoid, don't do anything. We know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are delusional, press 6 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will reply, and nothing will really ever change anyway.
If you have an Oedipus complex, have your mother press 7.
If you have attention deficit disorder, we can't help you because you have probably already hung up by now.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia press eight and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

Songs about Craziness

Am I Going Crazy or Just Out of My Mind? - Lobo (1985)
Angels of Madness - The Doobie Brothers (2000)
Basket Case - Green Day (1994)
Bats in My Belfry - Napoleon XIV (1966)
Brink of Insanity - Venus Mission (2006)
Crazy - Kenny Rogers (1985)
Crazy Ex-Girlfriend - Miranda Lambert (2006)
Crazy Eyes - Johnny Dollar (1966)
Crazy Girl - Crazy Otto (1963)
Crazy Me - Arthur Gunter (1958)
Crazy Me, Foolish You - Ernie Ashworth (1965)
Crazy Mixed-up Kid - Tommy Duncan and His Band (1956)
Go Insane - Lindsey Buckingham (1984)
Gone Crazy - Alan Jackson (1999)
Hallucinations - The George Shearing Quintet (1958)
Honeysuckle Madness - Davin James and His Band (2006)
How Far is Crazy From Here? - John Bunzow (2000)
I Gotta Mind to Go Crazy - Les Taylor (1991)
I Guess I'm Crazy - Mavis Staples (1989)
I Live in a Split-Level Head - Napoleon XIV (1966)
I'll Go Crazy - Andy Griggs (1999)
If I Keep on Going Crazy - Leon Everette (1981)
If it Weren't for Country Music I'd Go Crazy - C. Gregory (1991)
In a Moment of Madness - The Flower Pot Men (1969)
Insanity - Mike Hartman (1999)
Love Her Madly - The Doors (1971)
Love Leads to Madness - Nazareth (1982)
Lunatic Waltz - Jay Migliori (1996)
Mi Vida Loca (My Crazy Life) - Pam Tillis (1995)
Middle-Age Crazy - Jerry Lee Lewis (1977)
Must Be Crazy - Andrew Gold (1977)
Normal's Just a Setting on the Washing Machine - Bernice Lewis (2001)
Nuts on My Family Tree, The - Napoleon XIV (1966)
Nutty - Billy Wayne (2008)
Nutty Lady of Shady Lane, The - Homer and Jethro (1955)
Papa's Going Crazy, Mama's Going Mad - The Atchers (1940)
Psycho - Bobby Hendricks (1960)
Psychoanalysis - Arthur Smith and His Crackerjacks (1969)
Psychotic Reaction - Michael Powers (2004)
Quietly Crazy - Ed Bruce (1986)
Same Kind of Crazy, The - Del McCoury Band (2003)
Sanity Inspector - The Spencer Davis Group (1967)
Should I Go Home or Should I Go Crazy? - Gene Watson (1979)
Some Kind of Nut - Danny and the Juniors (1961)
Squirrley Shirley - Joaquin Murphey (1999)
Sweet Madness - Joyce Collins (1990)
Temporary Insanity - Krista (2008)
There's a Screw Loose - Ronnie Hawkins (1963)
These Crazy Thoughts Run Through My Mind - Warner Mack (1977)
They're Coming to Take Me Away - Napoleon XIV (1966)
West of Crazy - Lisa Brokop (1996)
You Could Drive a Person Crazy - Bernadette Peters (1999)
You Go Your Way and I'll Go Crazy - Ketty Lester (1964)
You're Driving Me Crazy - Crazy Otto (1963)

Songs about Fear and Neurosis

19th Nervous Breakdown - Rolling Stones (1966)
Claustrophobia - The Bee Gees (1964)
Dear Jean, I'm Nervous - City Boy (1977)
Is it Peace or is it Prozac? - Cheryl Wheeler (1991)
N-N-Nervous - Bluesville (1965)
Needles and Pins - The Searchers (1964)
Nervous about Sally - The Passions (1958)
Nervous Breakdown - Brad Paisley (1999)
Rehearsin' for a Nervous Breakdown - Echoes of Swing (2008)
Too Lazy to Work, Too Nervous to Steal - BR5-49 (2001)

Songs about Emotional Health

Amnesia - Blue October (2000)
Bewildered - James Brown (1961)
Bewildered and Blue - Jimmy James (1959)
Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered - Chris Connor (1952)
Brainwashed - The Kinks (1969)
Brainwasher - Junior Walker and the All Stars (1963)
Broken, Busted, Battered, Beaten and Bewildered - Joe Poovey (1966)
Child Psychology - Homer and Jethro (1952)
Id, The - The Invaders (1965)
Scatterbrain - The Ray Anthony Orchestra (1952)
Who are the Brain Police? - The Mothers of Invention (1966)

Songs about Obsession

Beautiful Obsession - Percy Faith Orchestra (1973)
Beyond Obsession - Bob Smithson (2002)
Magnificent Obsession - Tarey Wolf (2002)
Midnight Obsession - Booker T. Wiggins, Jr. (2004)
Obsession - Eighteen Visions (2007)
Possession Obsession - Hall and Oates (1985)
Secret Obsession - Bob McCarroll (2003)
Self-Obsession is an Art Form - Subliminal Girls (2008)
Sense and Obsession - Lars Eric Mattsson (2001)
Wild Obsession - Eric Decks (2007)