Also see Domestic Engineering, Men and Women, Relationship Humor, and Parenting.
- All men are born free and equal. If they go and get married that's their own fault.
- American women expect to find in their husbands a perfection that English women only hope to find in their butlers. (W. Somerset Maugham)
- Before criticizing your wife's faults, you must remember it may have been these very defects which prevented her from getting a better husband that the one she married.
- Before marriage, a man will lie awake thinking about something you said; after marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish saying it. (Helen Rowland)
- The best exercise for a good marriage is bending over backward.
- Compromise in marriage is an amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way.
- Courtship is like looking at the beautiful photos in a seed catalog. Marriage is what actually comes up in your garden.
- The difficulty with marriage is that we fall in love with a personality, but must live with a character. (Peter Devries)
- Don't criticize your wife's judgment, look who she married!
- Don't go to bed angry. Stay up and fight!
- Everything I owe, I owe because of my wife.
- A gentleman is a husband who steadies the stepladder so that his wife will not fall while she paints the ceiling.
- Getting a husband is like buying an old house. You don't see it the way it is but the way it's going to be when you get it remodeled. (Barbara Johnson)
- Give your husband an inch and he'll think he's a ruler.
- Husband for Sale: remote included!
- I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. First, let her think she's having her own way. And second, let her have it. (Lyndon B. Johnson)
- I love you more today than yesterday--yesterday you really got on my nerves!
- I took an assertiveness training course but I'm afraid to tell my wife.
- If it weren't for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers.
- If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen
- If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
- I'm the boss of the house and I have my wife's permission to say so!
- In 1975 the only people who wanted to get married were Catholic priests.
- It is better to marry a man you can live with than to marry the first man you can't live without.
- It is only possible to live happily-ever-after on a day-to-day basis. (Margaret Bonnano)
- It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. (Rita Rudner)
- Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
- A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
- Keep your husband--he might come back in style!
- Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses. (Lord Dewar)
- Love is blind--but marriage opens your eyes.
- Love is the quest, marriage is the conquest, divorce is the inquest.
- Love is the thing that enables a woman to sing while she mops up the floor after her husband has walked across it in his barn boots.
- Make love, not war--or get married and do both!
- Marriage is a continuous process of getting used to things you hadn't expected.
- Marriage is a major commitment, and is best contemplated by those who should be committed.
- Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
- Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity. (G.B. Shaw)
- Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
- Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
- The marriage of convenience has a lot to recommend it; we are better judges of convenience than we are of love.
- Marriages are made in heaven--but then...so are thunder and lightning.
- Marriages are not made in heaven--they come in kits and you have to put them together yourself.
- Marriage is an agreement between two people, temporarily of unsound mind, to do impossible things the rest of their lives.
- My wife and I have an agreement--I don't try to run her life and I don't try to run mine.
- My wife doesn't care what I do while I'm away, as long as I don't have a good time.
- My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her...or something like that.
- My wife sent me a selfie in a new dress and asked ‘Does this dress make my butt look big?' I texted back ‘Noo!' Auto-correct changed my response to ‘Moo!' Please send help.
- The opinions expressed by the husband in this house are not necessarily those of the management.
- The perfect wife is one who doesn't expect a perfect husband.
- A Shotgun wedding is a case of wife or death.
- Some people like to spend, others like to save, unfortunately they tend to marry each other!
- Son: Is it true that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
- True love leads to housework.
- Two can live as cheaply as one--for half as long!
- We've been through a lot together--and most of it was your fault!
- When a man says it's a silly childish game, it's probably something his wife can beat him at.
- The whole thing about matrimony: we fall in love with a personality but we must live with the character.
- A woman has never been known to shoot a man while he was doing the dishes.
- You and I are like honey and tea,
I boil and I steep, then you sweeten me.
A Long Life and a Merry One
(Georgie Starbuck Gailbraith)
Oh, women live longer than men,
So clearly it's up to a wife
To shield her protector, then,
From the stress of domestic life.
She must send her lord to the daily grind
Armored with shining peace of mind,
And cope with the cares that her day may hold,
Junior seems to be taking a cold,
And the baby's raising an awful fuss . . .
"Get going you kids, or you'll miss the bus!" . . .
And the plumbing clogs and the washer quits
After tearing a brand new sheet to bits,
And the door-bell shrills and the telephone shrieks,
And it starts to rain and the back porch leaks,
And the kids come home and behave like weasels,
And Junior's cold's not a cold, it's measles . . .
Yes, women live longer than men,
Or that's what the experts say.
And women can tell you when
It certainly seems that way!
Oh, Promise Me!
(Nelda Wood Martin)
When he was courting
He promised me gold,
And all the furs
My arms could hold.
The world, so he said
He would lay at my feet,
I scarcely believed
But it's true and complete:
I have a gold filling,
(Third molar, I think)
And a purring old cat
With fur soft as mink.
The world he tracks in
All over the room,
And I sweep it out
Ahead of my broom.
Secret of a Happy Marriage
To keep your marriage brimming,
with love in the wedding cup,
whenever you're wrong, admit it;
whenever you're right, shut up.
It Isn't the Principle of the Thing
(Gerogie Starbuck Galbraith)
I don't, my darling, as you aver,
Insist on being right.
However badly my views may err,
I do know black from white.
So though my feminine ego's strong,
I can yield with grace and say
I'm perfectly willing to be wrong
So long as I get my way.
The Secret of a Happy Marriage
A man and woman had been married for sixty years. They kept no secrets from each other except a shoebox the woman had in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask about.
However, one day the woman got sick and the doctor said she would not recover. The man got the shoebox and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed it was time he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling $25,000.
She said, "When we were to be married, my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily."
The old man was so moved he had to fight back tears. Only two doilies in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in sixty years. He almost burst with happiness.
"Honey," he said, "that explains the doilies, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling doilies."
It's Nice to Have a Husband by Your Side
Over the years,
When the sink overflowed,
Or the car ran out of gas,
Or the lady who comes every Tuesday to clean didn't come,
Or I felt pudgy,
Or inferior to Marilyn Kaufman who is not only a pediatric surgeon
but also a very fine person as well as beautiful,
Or I fell in the creek and got soaked on
our first family camping trip,
Or mosquitoes ate me alive on
our first family camping trip,
Or I walked through a patch of what later turned out to be
plenty of poison ivy on what later turned out to be
our last family camping trip,
Or my sweater shrank in the wash,
Or I stepped on my glasses,
Or the keys that I swear on my children's head I put on the dresser
Or I felt depressed,
Or inferior to Ellen Jane Garver who not only teaches constitutional law
but is also a wit plus sexually insatiable,
Or they lost our luggage,
Or our reservations,
Or two of the engines,
Or the rinse that was going to give my hair some subtle copper highlights
turned it purple,
Or my mother-in-law got insulted at something I said,
Or my stomach go upset at something I ate,
Or I backed into a truck that I swear when I looked in my rearview mirror
wasn't parked there ,
Or I suffered from some other blow of fate,
It's always been so nice to have my husband by my side
so I could blame him.
How to Look After Your Husband
(This was passed on to me as a "genuine extract from a 1950 Home Economics Book". It may have been changed a little, but it does reflect the general feeling of the time.)
- Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return from work. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.
- Prepare yourself. Take fifteen minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work weary people. His boring day may need a lift.
- Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair, and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are his little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
- Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the house just before your husband arrives. Gather up school books, toys, papers etc. and then dust cloth the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order and it will give you a lift too.
- Minimize the noise. Be sure there is no noise from washer, dryer, dishwasher or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.
- Don't greet him with complaints or problems. Don't complain if he is late for dinner. Count this as minor compared to what he may have gone through that day.
- Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair. Have a cooling drink ready for him. Offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a soft voice. Allow him to relax and unwind. Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him speak first.
- Make the evening his. Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead try to understand his world and pressure, his need to be home and relaxed.
- THE GOAL: try to make your home a place of peace of peace and order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.
Modern Day Chain Letter
(from Readers Digest)
This chain letter was started by a woman like yourself, in hope of bringing relief to tired, disconnected women.
Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost you anything.
Just send a copy of this letter to five of your female friends who are equally tired. Then bundle up your husband and send him to the woman whose name is at the top of the list, and add your name to the bottom.
When your name comes to the top of the list, you will receive 16,748 men, and some of them will be dandies, I assure you!
Have faith and don't break the chain . . . (One woman broke the chain and got her own husband back!)
Spicing Things Up
The husband was disturbed by his wife's indifferent attitude toward him, and the marriage counselor suggested he try being more aggressive in his lovemaking.
"Act more like a romantic lover and less like a bored spouse," he was advised. "When you go home, make love to her as soon as you meet--even if it is right inside the door."
At the next consultation the advisor was pleased to hear that the husband had followed instructions. "And how did she react?" the consultant asked.
"Well, to tell the truth," the husband replied, "she was still sort of indifferent; but her bridge club went absolutely wild!"
A couple were discussing their wallpaper, which had just been hung. Don was annoyed at Debby's indifference to what he felt was a poor job.
"The problem is that I'm a perfectionist and you're not," he finally said to her.
"Exactly!" she replied. "That's why you married me and I married you!"
Love Means Never Having to Say You're Sorry...
Except when it's your fault.
Or when it's his fault but he's too immature to admit it.
Or when it's the children's fault but he's holding you responsible.
Or when it's nobody's fault but he's looking for a scapegoat.
Proposal Gone Wrong
For months Bill had been Lynn's devoted admirer. At long last he had collected sufficient courage to ask her the momentous question.
"There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor," Bill began, "but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being, a being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one's absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one's joys and sorrows."
To his delight, Bill saw a sympathetic gleam in Lynn's eyes. Then she nodded in agreement, "I think it's a wonderful idea! Can I help you pick out a puppy?"
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- Dagwood: "This article looks interesting. It's titled 'Older men live longer with younger wives'."
Dagwood: "It's on page 26...well, page 26 is missing."
- Ellie: "I don't know if I'm ready to read my poetry on stage, John. What if I panic? What if I make a fool of myself?"
John: "You'll be fine. You can handle it...you've made a fool of yourself before.
- If you love something, set it free,
if it comes back its yours,
if it doesn't it never was...
...and if it just sits there on the sofa, watching TV,
unaware that it's been set free,
you probably married it...
- Never tell your husband anything important without properly preparing him. First get his attention. Make him look you right in the eye. Make him repeat the message three times. However, when the event comes to pass, he will still say "Why didn't you tell me?"
- A well-known architect enjoyed putting on old clothes and working in his garden. Humming cheerfully as he trimmed the hedge one day, he was surprised to see a lady pull her car over to the curb near him. "What do you get for being the gardener here?" she asked. "Perhaps I can offer you more to come work for me." "Oh, I don't think so," the architect replied. "The lady here lets me sleep with her."
- Wife: "John, this is the fourth towel you've used in two days...and the sink is full of whiskers. I know these are habits you have developed over the years--but surely you can change!"
Husband: "Why, darling...and let your talent for nagging go to waste?"
- Woman to a friend: "Is your husband easy to please?"
Friend: "I don't know . . . I've never tried."