Also see Growing Older - Jokes, Growing Older - Humorous Poems, and Adult Birthdays.
- Aged to Perfection!
- Classified Antique
- I'm Not 40, I'm 18 with 22 Years Experience
- I'm Not Old...I'm Chronologically Challenged!
- I'm Not Old...I'm Chronologically Gifted
- I'm Not That Old! I Demand a Recount!
- I'm Too Young to Be This Old!
- In Dog Years, I'm Dead
- It's Not How Old You Are, But How You Are Old
- Young at Heart...Slightly Older in Other Places
- After fifty it's patch, patch patch.
- After forty it's a matter of maintenance.
- Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9pm is the new midnight.
- Age is a pretty high price to pay for maturity.
- Aging has slowed me down but it hasn't shut me up.
- Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life. (Daniel Francois Esprit Auber)
- As I get older I realize that sometimes I roll my eyes out loud.
- At my age happy hour is nap time.
- At my age, I'm entitled to be grumpy!
- At my age rolling out of bed in the morning is easy...getting up off the floor is another story.
- The best thing about the good old days was that I wasn’t good and I wasn’t old.
- The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
- Boys will be boys...and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
- Don't let aging get you down--it's too hard to get back up!
- Don't worry about age--it's ugly you have to watch out for.
- Don't worry about avoiding temptation--as you grow older, it starts avoiding you.
- Don't worry about wrinkles, they're just antique smiles.
- Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
- For all the advances in modern medicine, there is still no cure for the common birthday.
- Fortunately I'm too poor to have a mid-life crises.
- Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
- Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
- Give me one good reason for acting my age.
- The good die young--because they see it's no use living if you've got to be good. (John Barrymore)
- Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional!
- How do you tell if you're having a mid-life crises when you're whole life has been one crises after another?
- I am finding senility to be a smooth transition for me.
- I am old enough to sleep by myself, and young enough not to want to have to.
- I am swift as a gazelle – an old gazelle with arthritis that was just run over by a Landrover.
- I do all my own stunts – but never intentionally.
- I don't believe in aging. I believe in forever altering one's aspect to the sun.
- I don't do drugs. At my age I get the same effect just standing up fast.
- I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights".
- I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
- I either got old too soon or smart too late.
- I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
- I got myself a seniors’ GPS. Not only does it tell me how to get to my destination, it tells me why I wanted to go there.
- I like my bifocals, my dentures fit me fine, My hearing aid is perfect, but I really miss my mind.
- I may be old but I'm not technologically obsolete.
- I started out with nothing...I still have most of it.
- I still have something on the ball I am just too tired to bounce it.
- I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
- If I had known I was going to live this long, I would have taken better care of myself.
- If you're as old as you feel, how can I be alive at 150?
- I'm not getting older. I just started a wrinkle collection!
- I’m not mean, I’m just too old to pretend I like you.
- I'm not old; I bought the prune farm as an investment!
- I'm not old; I haven't even had my mid-life crisis yet!
- I'm not old; I'm just a victim of gravity!
- I'm not old; I've just been young a very long time!
- I'm not old; my hair is naturally blue.
- I'm not young enough to know everything. (Sir James M. Barrie)
- In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
- Inside every older person is a young person wondering what the heck happened.
- The irony of life is that by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.
- It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
- It takes about ten years to get used to how old you are.
- It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
- It's hard to feel middle aged because you don't know how long you're going to live.
- I've only got one other speed and it's slower.
- Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
- Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
- Lying about my age is easier now that I often forget what it is.
- Middle age is a time when you discover you keep on growing older, even after you are old enough. (Donald Raddle)
- Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
- Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else. (Ogden Nash)
- My memory is still perfect. I can even...now what was I saying?
- No man is ever old enough to know better. (Holbrook Jackson)
- Old age comes at a bad time.
- Old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.
- The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom. (H. L. Mencken)
- The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
- People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life--provided we get cable or that dish thing.
- The secret to staying young is to find an age you really like and stick with it.
- Setting an example for your children takes all the fun out of middle age. (William Feather)
- Some days I amaze myself. Other days I put my keys in the fridge!
- There are a lot of good things about being old. I just can't remember any of them.
- There is always a lot to be thankful for, if you take the time to look. For example, I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
- There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky appendages and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
- There's one more terrifying fact about old people: I'm going to be one soon. (P. J. O'Rourke)
- They tell you that you'll lose your mind when you grow old. What they don't tell you is that you won't miss it much.
- Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
- The trick is to live a long time without growing old.
- Warning: dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
- We get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads. So I'm just really intelligent and my head couldn't hold any more so it started filling up the rest of me. (from a Garfield comic strip)
- We're all getting older at the same rate of speed. We just got started at different times.
- When the neighbors play music too loud, I dance naked. That shuts 'em down pretty quick!
- Wisdom doesn't necessarily come with age. Sometimes age just shows up all by itself. (Tom Wilson)
- Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes and come out wrinkle free and three sizes smaller?
- Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
- You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
- You call them grey hairs, I call them stress highlights.
- You're only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.
Aches and Pains
At a retirement home a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains.
"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man.
Then there was a short moment of silence.
"Thank God we can all still drive," said one woman cheerfully.
Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow
Things pertaining to hair--or lack thereof--are in the Hair, Haircuts and Hats file.
Exercise for Seniors
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them as long as you can, then relax.
Each day you'll find you can hold this position longer. Try to reach a full minute.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags and then 50-lb potato bags. Eventually you will be able to lift 100-lb potato bags and hold your arms straight for a full minute. (I'm at this level now).
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
Signs You're Getting Old:
- All of your favorite movies are now revised in color.
- An 'all-nighter' means not getting up to pee!
- At a garden party you're mainly interested in the garden.
- At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.
- The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.
- The clothes you've put away until they come back in style...come back in style.
- Conversations with people your own age often turn into 'dueling ailments.'
- Frequently you find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.
- 'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.
- 'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.
- Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
- The gray-haired person you help across the street is your spouse.
- A group of campers form a circle and start singing 'Kumbaya' when you light the candles on your birthday cake.
- It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.
- It takes too much effort to procrastinate.
- The kids leave one by one, only to return two by two.
- Lawn care has become a big highlight of your life.
- Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.
- One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle.
- A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
- Someone compliments you on your layered look...and you're wearing a bikini.
- A stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.
- They seem to be making adults much younger--when did they decide to let kids become policemen?
- The waiter asks how you'd like your steak...and you say 'pureed.'
- When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
- When you do the 'Hokey Pokey' you put your left hip out...and it stays out.
- Work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
- You begin every other sentence with, 'Nowadays...'
- You can do just as much as ever; but would rather not.
- You choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy
- You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.
- You discover the words, 'whippersnapper,' and 'by-cracky' creeping into your vocabulary.
- You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
- You find this list tasteless and insensitive.
- You have trouble remembering simple words like...
- You keep repeating yourself.
- You know it all, you just can't remember it all at once!
- You keep repeating yourself.
- You look both ways before crossing a room.
- You know all the answers but nobody asks you any questions.
- You make it a point to attend all the RV shows that come to town.
- You realize that aging is not for wimps.
- You keep repeating yourself.
- You refer to your $2500 stereo system as 'the hi-fi.'
- You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
- You smile all the time because you can't hear a thing others are saying.
- You start beating everyone else at trivia games.
- You start video-taping daytime game shows.
- You still have a photographic memory but it no longer offers same day service.
- You tune into the easy listening station...on purpose.
- You wonder why you waited so long to take up macramé.
- You're a walking storeroom of facts...you've just lost the key to the storeroom door.
- You're awake many hours before your body allows you to get up.
- You're good at opening childproof caps--with a hammer.
- You're not grouchy, you just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, loud music, unruly kids, barking dogs, politicians and a few other things you can't remember.
- You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.
- You're sitting on a park bench, and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.
- You're sure everything you can't find is in a secure place.
- You're the life of the party...even if it lasts until 8 p.m.
- You're usually interested in going home before you get where you're going.
- You're very good at telling stories--over and over and over and over...
- You're well cared for--long term care, eye care, private care, dental care, Medicare.
- You're wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just your left leg.
- You've met so many people that everyone you meet reminds you of someone else.
- You've seen it all, done it all, heard it all...you just can't remember it all.
- Your back goes out more than you do.
- Your childhood toys are now in a museum.
- Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
- Your insurance company has started sending you their free calendar...a month at a time.
- Your lack of pep is often mistaken for patience.
- Your new easy chair has more options than your car.
- Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "pick one, I can't do both!"
Super Granny--Defender of Justice
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping, and upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, loaded her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.
She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why.
A few minutes later she found her own car parked a few spaces farther down.
She loaded her bags into her car and then drove to the police station.
The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.
Ah, senior moments!
I got this today from an old classmate, and since we're within a 'Certain Age Range', I'm passing it on to you so you can watch for similar symptoms.
I've recently been diagnosed with AAADD . . . that's Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder!!
This is how it goes . . .
I decide to change the oil in the car. I start to the garage, and notice the mail on the table. OK, I'm going to work on the car . . . BUT FIRST I'm going to go through the mail. So, I lay down the car keys on the desk.
After discarding the junk mail, I notice the waste can is full. OK, I'll just put the bills on the desk . . . BUT FIRST I'll take the trash out to the trash can, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox, I'll address a few bills . . . yes, now where is my checkbook?
Oops! There's only one check left. Where did I put those extra checks? Oh, there's my empty cup from last night on the desk! I'm going to look for those checks . . . BUT FIRST I need to put the cup back in the kitchen.
I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice the flowers need a drink of water, so I put the cup on the counter and . . . there's my extra pair of glasses on the kitchen counter! What are they doing here? I'll just put them away . . . BUT FIRST, I need to water those flowers.
I head for the door, and . . . Aaaaaagh! Someone left the TV remote in the wrong spot! OK, I'll put the remote away and water the flowers . . . BUT FIRST, I need those checks . . .
By the end of the day, the oil in the car has not been changed, the bills are still unpaid, the cup is still in the sink, the checkbook still has only one check left, and . . . I'VE LOST MY CAR KEYS!!!
And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm utterly baffled, because . . . I know I was busy the entire day!
I realize this condition is serious . . . I need to get help . . . BUT FIRST, I think I'll check my e-mail. By the way, my doctor told me that this disease is highly contagious can be transmitted by e-mail!. So, if you want to avoid AAADD, don't read this e-mail!!! (I should've put that warning at the beginning of the message, but I got distracted . . . sorry about that . . . you see I've not been myself lately.)
The Golden Years
Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.
Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.
My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I always call her "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her voice. "Idiot", she barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
She retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car."
Games for When We Are Older
- Sag, You're It
- Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
- 20 Questions Shouted into Your Good Ear
- Kick the Bucket
- Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over
- Doc Goose
- Simon Says Something Incoherent
- Hide and Go Pee
- Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
- Musical Recliners
Senior Dress Code
Many of us 'fiftyish' folks are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:
- A nose ring and bifocals
- Spiked hair and bald spots
- A pierced tongue and dentures
- Miniskirts and support hose
- Ankle bracelets and corn pads
- Speedo's and cellulite
- A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
- Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
- Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
- Bikinis and liver spots
- Short shorts and varicose veins
- In-line skates and a walker
- Thongs and Depends
Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.
- At age 4 success is...not peeing in your pants.
- At age 12 success is...having friends.
- At age 16 success is...having a drivers license.
- At age 20 success is...having sex.
- At age 35 success is...having money.
- At age 50 success is...having money.
- At age 60 success is...having sex.
- At age 70 success is...having a drivers license.
- At age 75 success is...having friends.
- At age 80 success is...not peeing in your pants.